Terry, to avoid fainting, keep repeating: "It isn't a date. It isn't a date. It isn't a date."

`The episode opens with Brooke and Linda shopping in South Beach.

They're probably looking for dog sweaters. Or maybe visors, since they live in Florida.

Brooke comments that the shopping is good, but the boys aren't so cute. Linda's all, "Are you mad, woman?" They sit down at a restaurant and Linda points out all the hot guys everywhere:

Muscles and/or capes seem to be the main criteria of hotness to Linda. Linda urges Brooke to be more social so that she's not a "spinster [her] whole life." Uh, she's 18. And really, if she wants to be alone instead of settling for a guy wrapped in a flag, she's showing major signs of maturity, anyway.

When Brooke and Linda arrive home, they tell Terry and Nick of their boy-spotting adventure. Nick says that Linda shouldn't be picking out guys for Brooke; he should because he's "like on Brooke's level." Uh, what level would that be? Nick, Linda and Terry eventually all decide to try to find a guy for Brooke, as sort of a competition. Jeez, the girl just turned 18 and they're scrambling to get her attached and out. So much for family glue.

Well, at least Linda and Nick are -- Terry is adamant that what they're attempting to send Brooke on "aren't dates. This is like picking out the right type of person for you, just so you'll know in the future." The very, very distant future. Right. Keep telling yourself that, Terry. Later, Terry reiterates to Linda they they definitely not trying to find Brooke a boyfriend. "You don't know that it's not gonna happen now, but just keep telling yourself that, honey," is her response. In conclusion, Linda's awesome.

The family splits up to look for a future husband or companion or non-boyfriend or whatever for Brooke. Terry hits the gym, and finds his way to the nearest step class.

"Seem to have a huge non-heterosexual problem here," he remarks. Problem or solution, Terry? Aren't you the one who wants to find Brooke a platonic companion? Also, if you're looking for straight dudes, try someplace other than step class. You're better off looking in the dressing room of Bang Bang in Chelsea than in a step class.

Terry assesses the situation:

"The ones that might be straight, don't look straight. The ones that don't look straight, definitely aren't straight." Well, Terry, you know what they say: they're either all gay or...gay.

Nick has much better luck at some store that sells Jet Skis. This is because Nick's charms are irresistible to all. He just sort of slides in and is like...

"Nice watercraft. Wanna come over?" And the guy's like, "Can I?"

Nick would seem to have an eye for twinks. This is not surprising, considering.

This boy, with the improbable and far-too-perfect name of Hunter, agrees to hang with Nick at some point. Nick's all...

..."Score!" We'll see!

Meanwhile, Linda has her own plans brewing!

What kind of guy the woman who married Hulk Hogan has picked out for her daughter will remain a mystery for now. The possibilities are chilling, though.

Then, Hunter ends up coming over and Brooke's like...

Nick explains that Hunter's into cars and Jet Skis and stuff. "Sounds like you guys will have fun together," replies Brooke. Oh, Brooke!

Later, in an aside to the camera, Brooke says, "If that is the guy Nick picked out for me, I question Nick's brain." But not his sexuality. See, even if Nick loses the competition (and let's face it, he has), he still wins, at least in the game of heterosexuality. Pretty sneaky, bro.

Next, Terry cruises the gym again.

And really, he's talking about "Gay, gay, gay," but he's the one who's scoping out dudes 24/7. Just sayin'!

He eventually runs into this guy:

And goes gaga. By proxy and for Brooke, of course. It turns out that this guy, Harry Smith, is related to Jimmy Hart, of the Hart Foundation, who used to wrestle with Hulk . Harry is now a wrestler, too. Now Terry's simply over the moon! He invites Harry over so that Brooke can come as close to marrying her father without actually marrying him. Or something.

Some time later, Harry comes over.

Brooke scopes him out as he approaches the house.

"He looks like a poo poo crybaby," she remarks. It's amazing that she can see past the fanny pack.

Terry's totally excited that Harry's come. He says that the contest is over, as no one can compare to Harry.

Hulk would seem to have a crush on Harry this big.

Brooke's date with Harry consists of dinner at home with all the Hogans asking him questions. He gets to show off his muscles...

And then, as if things aren't exciting enough, Brooke plays him some of her music.

This gives her the opportunity to check her Sidekick. Brooke keeps it real. After the "date," when she says that Harry is too "big and bulky and wrestler-y" for her. Linda, on the other hand, thinks his butt is nice. Sometimes butt just ain't enough.

It's time for Brooke's third and final date of the episode (and, if Terry has any say, of her life, as well). It's with Jay, the guy she posed with during her album promo shoot.

He seemed scrawny back then. Now, in comparison to all that came before him this episode, he seems like the most beautiful boy to ever walk the face of the earth. Funny how that works.

Anyway, Brooke would seem to agree...

She has a great time with Jay at dinner. Though Terry's not there, he can sense his daughter slipping from his reach, and so he calls her.

He calls her again, later, when Brooke and Jay share a walk on the beach (so that later, in their respective personal ads, they claim this as an interest and be totally honest).

Undeterred by the interruptions, Brooke and Jay build a sand castle...

...dance...

...and, uh, Jay ends up with his bare chest exposed.

Wholesome fun!

At home, Brooke says that she and Jay had a great time. Terry, of course, hates this and not just because it means he lost in the find-Brooke-a-man-but-not-that-kind-of-man competition. It also means that Linda won.

And so, it turns out that Linda is in fact the one who knows best in this case. Oooh! Spin-off! Spin-off!

Comments

[Des]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that noticed the fanny pack on Hunky Harry! Bleh!

[Lisa]

GRosse! The firt time i saw this I was repulsed at Hulk's sellout! His daughter seems to be an exploitive offsping from his slowed down career. If this is how he makes money now that's sad. His wife is an overweight Hollywood "wanna be"but no matter how much they try his daughter ain't no Paris and his wife no Ivana. I call this "crows with money" syndrome or trailer park boys`with money.As canadien's we enjoy not being clone's-let alone hoish clone's of blond wanna be's. This depict's the bleach blonde, surgery wanna' be's of the U.S. Here's a hint, be your own person, don't try to be Pamela, just be yourself.

[Djkarta Johnson]

Mr. Terry Hulk, If you were my dad I would picked Harry Smith. Father Knows Best. On top that of you are real respected.In my house Hulk Hogan is #1. And his word has always won us over. Brook listen to daddy, Girl. Daddy's Little Girls Stick Together!

[paige]

nice pics brooke

[Danielle]

i absolutley love Hogan knows best!!!! that guy des said mean things and hes so wrong hes just ma because he probolly wore hogan pajamas growing up and turn into nothing like you anyways i love you guys you guys rock. ANd i hop brooke wants to be nothing like paris(des) paris has no morals

[anthony]

i love brooke she is hot

[kesha]

hey brooke. you are so beauiful and you can sing really to and you all aways dress really pretty and im your number 1 fan. love kesha.

[ij]

I just read on the Comcast homepage link that you think you are the next Paris Hilton. Don't ever compare yourself to that! I turn the TV off when a Hilton appears.
You just need to be proud of who you are and not compare yourself with anyone!
Enjoy your life just where you are and go with it. No need to grow up too quickly. You have the rest of your life for that. Perhaps you will read this.

[michaela (melody)]

personaly i fink brooke and jay wer soooo cute 2gether and she should be cut some slack because lets face it dey make a hot couple...good luck brooke ..x

[michaela (melody)]

personaly i fink brooke and jay wer soooo cute 2gether and she should be cut some slack because lets face it dey make a hot couple...good luck brooke ..x

[michaela (melody)]

personaly i fink brooke and jay wer soooo cute 2gether and she should be cut some slack because lets face it dey make a hot couple...good luck brooke ..x

[a]

i think brooke is the uglies thing ive seen cause she looks like her dad and she cannot sing so go t o school and get some education

[a]

i think brooke is the uglies thing ive seen cause she looks like her dad and she cannot sing so go t o school and get some education