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February 12, 2008
Flavor of Love 3 Recap - Episode 1 - New Flavor, Same Taste

In this highly volatile political climate, the decisions have been agonizing. Obama? Hillary? McCain?!?! But now, Flavor of Love 3 comes along and the answer is clear:


Flav in '08! Seriously! If he can run this house, the country will be no sweat.

Do you know what time it is? It's time to watch a bunch of girls stand patiently outside a mansion because another season of Flavor of Love is upon us.


Flav finally pulls up and there is rejoicing and flag waving.


We see a brief rundown of Flav's life: Public Enemy, multiple arrests, The Surreal Life, Strange Love, Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love 2. God, I've followed all of these things so closely, it feels like a rundown of my life. His story is my story. Flav is the consummate everyman.

We hear from an as-yet-un-nicknamed girl, who thinks she's a shoe-in for winning Flav's affection:


"Flav is perfect for me because he has a goal of 10 kids. And he has seven, I have three. Seven plus three, ten. Flav and I could have the urban Brady Bunch." Tack on two more and they could have two urban Brady Bunches. On the bright side, she's not afraid to flaunt her mathematic skills.

Flav reports that he wants a different bunch of girls this time, "classier than Season 1 and 2." He says this just in case you forgot that this show is farcical. I'm not even projecting or being flip here, because we immediately cut to...


...a stampede as the girls scramble to claim their beds. Nothing says class like being trampled on faux-leopard print, right?
And speaking of stampede, one of them rides a pretend elephant that's decorating the house:


Before we can see just how fast this fake elephant can go, the girls are corralled for the naming ceremony.


But this ceremony has a twist! Flav explains: "Now, this season, I wanna empower the girls. So, I want them to tell me their nicknames." The farce just keeps getting more farcical! Again, I'm not projecting. It goes well at first, with a young woman who wants to be called "Sincere." She gets her wish, Flav-style (which is to say: the spelling is in jumblzzze!):


This one wants to be called "Buns":


And so it happens. Because, really, how do you improve upon perfection?

But then Flav's opinion and tendency to have fun with letterz begins trumping all the empowerment. Take, for example, the young woman who wants to be known as "Vanilla":


She gets "Ice" instead. It's as though Flav was playing a game of free-association on this one. If only she'd said, "Chocolate and...", she would have gotten her wish. Straightforward requests don't always work with Flav; his mind is too complex.

This one wants "Bad Girl," which isn't terribly empowering and is kind of lame, anyway. Flav's replacement, hailing her roots and the birthplace of hip-hop, is much better:


This one wants to be called "Autumn Joy." Did she get that off a bottle of hand cream from Bath & Body Works, or something?


She wants "Loca":


Instead, Flav gives her "El":


For those unfamiliar with Spanish, the translation of that is "The." Her name is The. Flav's really stepping up to the plate with the naming here, huh? The season's off to a wild start!

And then, in Flav's most inspired alteration thus far, he changes to the requested name ("Vixen") of a cute little thing with a golden weave, high-waisted jeans and a more-than-passing resemblance to Marisa Tomei to...


Prancer! Because Vixen was the name of a reindeer and so was Prancer! That is so amazing. Prancer! But see it isn't a silly choice at all. Flav knows something about Prancer that none of us are privy to yet, but shh! I'm going to let you in on a little secret: she has hooves.

She wants to be called "Tik Tok":


Eh, partial is better than nothing. As Tik walks away, Flav notes, "Tik got the buns of a solar eclipse!" I don't even know what that means...


...except, I totally do.

Then comes along a young girl who's feistier than Bootz in a shoe horn factory. "I want to be called the ‘Windy City’ because I’m a fresh of breath air," she begins. OK, awesome. Too bad none of that breath air is getting to her brain. The girl who will never be known as "WC," continues:


"And I'm here to blow these bitches away. Everywhere I go, the hair blows. Everywhere, everywhere." Is she trying to tell us that she's shedding? And also, it's not even really blowing, it's just curly. This one is already fascinating. Since she's anything but, Flav deems her "Shy."


And then...twinzzzzzzzzzzzzz! They want to be called "Sugar and Spice," but, in his most empowering turn yet, Flav decides to name them "Thing 1 and Thing 2" after his favorite characters in one of his favorite books, The Cat in the Hat.


Absolutely amazing.


They like their shared name. Also, they are virtually identical and seemingly cannot communicate without completing and/or echoing each other's sentences. Who needs a canyon when you've got a twin?

This one gets her wish (with the bonus of a "Q" and a hyphen!):


The next two also get their chosen names. The empower meter is almost off the scale!



Then, along comes a girl with a rap and a voice that's virtually a baritone to go along with it:


"Yo, my name is Vonne and I’m the best, and I know that you would love these breasts." Gorgeous. Vonne adds that her fried chicken is so good, she could put KFC out of business. That comment should ruffle a few feathers, and not all of which belong to actual birds. For her culinary potential, she's given the name of:


Then come the Internet girls: the ones who were cast online. First is this one, who wants to be called "Rain." This gives Flav a flashback to his first season. Did she even watch it? Why would she want to be associated with that thunderstorm of emotion? But her name is Earaina! What to do?


Ah, blessed compromise.

Then, this perfect 10 wants to be called "Dimes."


Wish granted.

Along comes the top Internet vote-getter, who can't think of a name.


That's what Flav gives her. He adds, "Boy, did she have an underbite like a motherf***er, G!" What, was Undie too harsh then?

More Internet girls:


It's at this point that Flav starts complaining about this method of casting. When the next girl walks up and she's only slightly less sizable than Peechee, Flav queasily asks, "Were you from the Internet, too?" She was.


That's actually her real name. I think Flav was too unsettled to be creative.

And finally, there's this one, who's seriously just absurdly sexy.


Ugh. Love her!

The mixing begins. Flav announces that he's going to spend time with the girls and is immediately pounced on with Shy, who says that if he's going to start this right, it should start with her.


And you know, she really is hard to take your eyes off of, for better or worse.

Then there's Ice, who despite being an on-air personality on Detroit radio, exhibits little-to-no media savvy.


Flav asks why she's there and she says, "I don't know." WRONG ANSWER. Seriously, make something up. Tell him he's sexy, he loves that. She then bungles further by saying she's here to kick things up a level. And by "things," she means her career. Then, making matters worse, she notes that, "There's a lot of females in here that are after you!" Ugh, and unless you want to be kicked out tonight, you have to pretend to be one of them! She finally gets the hint and agrees that he's one of the females that's after Flav. But Flav is onto her, and it's not because he brought his magnifying glass to the mixer, if you know what I'm saying.

Then there's Dymz, who admits that she's studying criminal justice.


This doesn't sit well with Flav, since he's been arrested.


Wait, what? Is he planning on committing more crimes? I mean, other than the ones against humanity.

Then there are the twins.


They kiss Flav...


...and his reaction can be summed up as wonderment over doublemint.


You know, Flav has a knack for acting simultaneously like an infant and like he's 90. Not knocking it: it's a skill.

Then he talks to Hotlanta and El (aka The), who can't stop interrupting.


There's a lot of thigh being showed off in this episode. Just saying!

He and Bunz share what I think is an apple.


That's...forward. It disturbs Tik, who's a little bit obsessed maybe.


Also, she might be a little turned on. I bet at the end of this episode, someone's going to pull her face off to reveal that she's actually Bret Michaels.

And then: turmoil.


Shy brings up Flav's wish of having 10 kids and asks the rest of the girls if they're ready. Shy is, to put it mildly, disturbing.


"Young and ready! This womb is ready! Twenty-four, energetic, well-bodied, healthy. I’m ready!" You know, from the first second I saw her, I was wondering about the state of her womb, and finally, I've got my answer. Thank you, Shy!

Bee-Ex comes up with a suitably absurd retort to Shy's carrying-on.


"Your ass might not be able to reproduce and you’re worried…" Ah, the hilarity that ovaries spawn. Never-ending, I tell ya.

The next two to spend time with Flav are Rayna and Bee-Ex.


Rayna, who looks and acts a lot like Pam Grier (it's a slick kind of sassy, which is a nice change from the explosive kind of sassy you normally see on this show), sort of haughtily brags that she knows why Flav wears his clock. "The clock was a representation that it was time to take a look at ourselves as black people and show white America what we really were talking about. Why there was so much injustice. Why we had lost two of our greatest figures, Malcolm X and Dr. King, why they were slain…" To this, Flav says, "I ain't mad at that, but that's not why I wear the clock." Ha! Rayna isn't a know-it-all, she's a know-it-some. The real reason, explains Flav, is that time is the most important element in our life and we can't afford to waste it. Frankly, I like Rayna's answer better.

Grayvee and Sinceer are next up.


"Are you ready to gain weight?" bellows Grayvee who again states that with her fried chicken, she could put KFC out of business. Not to be a jerk, but why hasn't she already then? Sinceer, who seems a little less than, uh, all there, says very calmly, "F*** the chicken." Well, since you asked nicely...

Along come Peechee and Savanna.


Flav brilliantly describes sitting between them thusly: "I felt like a wedgie!" Amazingly precise.

The ever-adorable reindeer-a-like Prancer is next...


...but her time is cut short by, "Seezinz, a girl with a crazy underbite and a sporadic gold tooth." It must really hurt to be replaced by that kind of stock.

Seezinz intimates to Flav that she's classy and then we see her interviewing...


"I’m a real person and I’m not here just for the glitz and glam." Good thing. If she were, she'd probably be mighty disappointed when she entered the house and realized that there wasn't any.

Oh, also Seezinz reveals that she's not here to make friends. Just in case you had any doubts.

After Flav complains about his face being touched too many times (or at all, really), the mixer is over. This gives Shy the chance to meet with Flav in his room alone, to help fend off Bee-Ex, who's been, "dippin’ and dappin’ and know what’s happenin’ up in my Kool-Aid, in my Flavors." Could someone please explain to me how one daps in Kool-Aid?


She tells Flav that Bee-Ex doesn't want kids and that she isn't there for him. Then, in an interview, she raps: "You must didn’t know about me, boo. But I’m gonna reintroduce myself. My name is Shy and you can (uh, something) my eye / ‘Cause I’m comin’ after you and it ain’t gon’ be with a pie. I swear I’m not playin’ up in here." Awww. I was really hoping that she was coming with a pie. I'm crazy hungry!

Flav then summons Bee-Ex, who's aghast at Shy's claims.


She's not not ready for kids! She has kids! Jeez, Shy really did the research on that one.

Elimination looms.


Outside, Prancer adjusts her top while giving her prediction for how it will go down:


"I feel like maybe he should get rid of the ugly girls. Nobody likes an ugly girl, so…" Brilliant. If Flav does run for president, he should totally choose Prancer as his running mate. I'd love to hear her take on foreign policy.

Elimination begins. The glasses Flav's wearing are red versions of white ones he wore in the "911 Is a Joke" video. Factoid alert!


Grayvee is the first to be called.


Many other girls are called until there are seven left, including the twins. He calls up Thing 2 and it seems that she's going to be the only one staying...


But duh! He's not going to split them up. He's obsessed with the twins, in fact. As should you be, really. Of course he's not sending them home, and it's a good thing because they're awesome. They're so awesome, in fact, that they get to share a clock.


At last, VH1 gets one step closer to having a pair of conjoined twins compete for love. Love Connection would be the perfect name for it, but damn it, it's already taken. Nonetheless, if we can't have that now, at least we have Thing 1 & 2.


"We have never experienced that much emotion," they say more or less in synch, regarding the suspense leading up to their clock reveal. God, up till now, their lives must have been extremely uneventful.

This means that five girls must go home:


Q-Tee is the only one leaving that wasn't cast via the Internet.




Those three go for, uh, obvious (?) reasons. Dymz must leave because she's studying criminal justice and, apparently, that doesn't fit in with Flav's lifestyle.


Flav gets one last dig at the Internet girls, saying, "Intanet usas...what the hell was y'all thinking!"


Uh, they were probably thinking, "She looks quiet and with a great personality." Go figure.

They toast.


All together: Flavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!

Then we see an extended preview for the season. There are extreme activities. There are arguments. There is a Klingon comparison. There is a marriage ceremony. There is possible death.


I wonder how they kept that out of the news for so long?

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Rich, you've done it again! Whatever VH1 is paying you, it's not nearly enough. The only thing better than the insanity that is Flavor of Love is your recaps.


they scrapped the bottom of the hood barrel for these chicks!


By the way "El" also means him


oh man i though NY was fugly there is some women(imma give them that much respect ...for now)that make her look cute...ugh! so far my fav is bee-ex,shy is poppin to much crap and i think bee is gonna get in that azz! and who told flav he was ever cute to be dissin these chics...upgrade yourself ladies!


is it me or is Shy trying wayy tooo hard to be the next New York i dont know why but thats the vibe i got from her.


Nice Love Connection reference. You are an absolute gem. Also a gem, is Flav's "I felt like a wedgie" comment. AWESOME!


TELL ME Tik doesn't look like a grown up version of Webster.

It's really disturbing. Emmanuel Lewis will never be the same for me.

(Is he even still alive...?)

Victoria Pinckney

Prancer talks about Flav getting rid of the ugly girls on the first episode she's not anything great to look at herself. And Shy is trying to be another version of New York
which she'll never become. Ladies,just be yourself and stop pretending for the televison because that makes our black african queens look like we just want a easy way in life and its nothing like that.


get rid of shy, show nice

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