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February 11, 2008
Rock of Love 2 Recap - Episode 4 - Advanced Bikeology

In this episode, Kristy Joe cries...

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...and cries...

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...and cries...

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...and cries...

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Excitement lies ahead!

We open immediately after last episode’s elimination. Bret is feeling lubricated...and he hasn’t even gone to bed yet! We see him strolling like Shaft with a bunch of girls, saying, "You know I’m awesome! It’s me.

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Indeed.

You know who else is awesome?

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Daisy. You know why she’s awesome? That’s the face she makes when Bret proposes a toast for the “wonderful people” who left tonight, meaning Roxy and Angelique. I always suspected she was secretly a Francophobe.

An increasingly inebriated Bret hangs in the kitchen and tells Aubry that she looks like she either really likes him or wants to kill him. Why can’t it be both? He announces that it’s time for bed, and kisses some girls goodnight. Aubry is not one of those girls. He, in fact, bypasses her completely.

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This point is one that I would have missed entirely if Aubry didn’t end up talking about it every chance she got, rendering it the episode’s major plot point. Oh yeah. Get ready for a rousing time.

Something I would not have missed in any circumstance, however, is Catherine’s awesome eveningwear:

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I’m glad she feels so comfortable on television. It’s not something that you see so often.

Bret takes off for his bedroom and Daisy “walks” him there.

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The other girls mock this because she’s clearly going to go farther than his bedroom. Farther as in first base:

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As Bret and Daisy get slobbery in his suite, we cut to Aubry and Kristy Joe complaining. "They’re totally having sex,” says Aubry. Well, their tongues are, at least. Aubry says that she doesn’t mind that Bret’s giving the other girls attention; she minds that he’s not giving her attention. “Neglect” is the word she uses. She's like a housewife, and we aren't even halfway through the season. Welcome to your future much? She interviews that she feels bad. “Like, what’s wrong with me?” she asks. Oh Jesus. If your standing on Rock of Love is really directly related to your feelings of self-worth, it’s time to reevaluate. Many would argue that everything is right with you for failing on this show.

Meanwhile, Kristy Joe feels jealous about the sex that Bret and Daisy are totally having. This is how she knows that her feelings for Bret are deep. Of course, it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her wanting to box the other girls out. The conversation concludes with Aubry telling Kristy Joe, “I want to fall in love. I’m ready to fall in love. And I know you are, too.” And then Aubry proposes, Kristy Joe accepts and they consummate their budding romance right there in the hot tub. Show's over, they have found their rocks of love.

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Morning comes and behold:

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Daisy never made it to bed. Megan, who gets more awesome by the second, sums the situation up poetically: "Dirty-ass hoe.

Her fellow competitors concur:

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Aubry explains to Catherine what they think is happening:

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Catherine’s all, “He put what where? How does that even work?” Oh, Catherine. So young and naive.

The girls grill Daisy about the possible sex. Daisy recaps this gorgeously:

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"So! Daisy! Did you sleep with Bret?

Heh. Aubry stays at her and says that Daisy’s defensiveness only serves to underline her guilt. Daisy says that her defensiveness comes not from guilt but, "because you’re being a bitch about it, that’s why!” Well, fair enough, really.

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Still, the question lingers. Daisy explains that she went in Bret’s room, hung out and they got to know each other better. “So whatever. It is what it is.” Yeah, yeah. We get that. Except, WHAT IS IT?

Well, I’ll tell you what it isn’t:

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Bikes. They’re reserved for Peyton’s special place, as when she sees them she starts drooling. Her word!

For today’s challenge, the girls will put together a custom bike using labeled parts and a cheat sheet. All they need is the use of their motor skills and literacy. This will, undoubtedly, be their toughest challenge yet.

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They are broken up into two teams. The Black Team consists of Inna, Ambre, Aubry, Megan and Daisy. The Pink Team consists of Peyton, Catherine, Kristy Joe, Jessica and Destiney. Peyton, who’s something of a gearhead, wants this so bad, she’s willing to drink gasoline. She doesn’t say that, but you know it’s true. Megan, on the other hand, knows nothing about automotives, but everything about looking hot.

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Good for her. Go with what you know. You know?

Meanwhile, Daisy knows nothing beyond, "Guys who ride motorcycles are hot.” I think she’s auditioning to be the voice of the next Talking Malibu Stacey Doll.

The competition begins. There is conferring.

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There is an out-of-sequence rotor. There is pushing in. There is pushing out. There is trouble with reading.

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It’s a lot more suspenseful than my recapping has the capacity to reflect. Peyton wants it so bad! It kind of makes my heart hurt. Anyway, her team looks like it’s going to win, which is all kinds of yay. In response to the pink team’s success, Aubry continues the fire imagery that she started last episode: "When I found out that the pink team was ahead, even just by a hair, I think all of us lit a fire under our ass and we were up, like, just hauling butt.” I think if Aubry’s feeling bad about herself, she should play with some matches. I bet it could only help.

But then, the pink team hits a snag:

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With this delay, the black team is able to pull ahead:

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Sadness for Peyton ensues

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Now she’s going to drink gasoline for entirely different reasons.

There is sadness for Destiney, too, who gets called out for her meager contribution to her group. For this reason, she must join Peyton in cleaning Bret’s bike off with a toothbrush while in a bikini.

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Destiney feels like she was thrown under the bus. That’s a terrible place to be if you’re as clueless about automotives as Destiney is. She’ll never get out from under there!

And you know, normally, she wouldn’t even have to be asked to wear a bikini and clean anything of Bret’s, including his ass. It’s just that this is officially deemed punishment that makes her upset. Don’t focus on the principle, Destiney; focus how fun it is to be scantily clad for millions of viewers!

Because Inna was the head mechanic of the black team, she gets a solo date with Bret then and there.

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They literally ride into the sunset.

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Say what you will about Inna, but her eyebrow looks really sexy there.

Bret and Inna reach the restaurant at which their date will take place. Bret tells us she’s “hot” on Inna, but his lack of tongue suggests otherwise.

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Just saying.

Meanwhile, Destiney and Peyton perform their punishment. Bret isn’t even there to watch them! The bikinis thing was either out of consideration for their clothes or just humiliation for the sake of humiliation.

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At least Peyton was allowed to cover up to suit her comfort.

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You tell him, tanktop and wrap!

While they’re doing this, guess what Aubry is doing.

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If you guessed complaining about Bret’s neglect, you’re right!

Bret and Inna kiss again, and this time at least his mouth is open.

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Perhaps he’s warming up to her.

He arrives home to find Peyton and Destiney on his newly brushed bike.

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This excites him. "The pipes look well-cleaned, just telling ya!” Now there’s an analogy I didn’t see coming.

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And it’s nothing but a good time until we see Aubry.

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She is the human equivalent of a party-foul record scratch. Bret sees her standing there all disapprovingly and asks her if she wants to talk. She does. Bret respects her wishes, though he interviews that he did this reluctantly. "Aubry, Aubry, Aubry. Do really need to pick this exact moment when there is nakedness and motorcycles, to take me away? Seriously.

Seriously.

Aubry confronts Bret about his neglect. He says that her approach was that of someone he’d been in a “naggingly long” relationship with.

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At some point, Aubry reveals, "I’m a karaoke host, ok? I know people.” Oh what on earth could she possibly mean? Is she trying to assert her status within karaoke’s elite, or is she merely saying that her job brings her face to face with humanity on a very basic level, since with karaoke comes drunkenness and vomiting? True story: I once went to a karaoke place in Little Korea in which our group was told not to poop in the sink, as one drunken singer had done recently in the establishment's bathroom. If that isn’t humanity, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, Aubry. She tells Bret, “I am not well,” a few times. Aubry says the most curious things. She asks him not to keep her around a second longer than she needs to be if he’s not feeling her. He promises he won’t. The use of backstage passes as charitable donations stops here.

Then Aubry tells Kristy Joe about her discussion with Bret.

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This, in turn, inspires Kristy Joe to call a house meeting. Doesn’t everyone hate her? Why the hell does she think that they’re going to want to hear what she has to say about anything?

And sure enough: everyone seems put off by this meeting:

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There is talking.

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There are tears.

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There is genuine disbelief.

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And you know, you can say a lot about these girls but the V.I.P.s in particular are extremely wonderful at summarizing in this episode. Megan gives a very succinct rundown of Kristy Joe’s sob story: "So, Kristy Joe is basically saying that she’s an emotional mess. Wreck, baggage, all kinds of husbands, kids and trailers. Whatever.

Whatever continues. The girls tell Kristy Joe to go talk to Bret if she’s so upset. So she does. I don’t think she stops crying between the Wettysburg Address she gave the girls and she one she gives Bret.

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Keep in mind, as Ambre has pointed out, that Kristy Joe has known Bret for five days at this point. Should she stay? Should she go? She has things to do at home. Bret points out that she’ll have to do them whether she goes back tomorrow or in a few weeks and then he basically tells her to go to bed. BEST ADVICE EVER.

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A new day dawns and it’s time for the rest of the Black Team’s date with Bret. This date will be a photo shoot that posits the girls as ‘50s-style pinups. There is preparation.

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There is copious cleavage.

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Bret reports that, "Megan is just looking hot, t**s to toes.” I can think of no greater compliment, but that might be because my brain jumped ship two episodes ago.

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Aubry actually kills it, I think.

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I mean, she’s smiling with her eyes and everything!

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Ambre is similarly adorable:

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And then there is Daisy. Let me let you in on a little secret: she really turns Bret on.

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Of course, the natural question is: who’s this date for, anyway? How is having to dress up in corsets and inhale square pound upon square pound of hairspray fun for anyone but the guy who gets to gawk? Who knows, but it is: at the post-shoot meal, all the girls gush about how much fun they had. Whether they actually did or have just convinced themselves of it, there are no bad feelings and that’s what matters.

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All is jovial until Aubry remembers that her main duty here is to kill joy and points out that the whole setup of the show necessarily results in people getting hurt. The girls get hurt, Bret gets hurt. Bret agrees and disagrees. He's nothing if not a diplomat. He explains that some girls come for the wrong reasons. Some girls like, "Whatsherface," who was complaining in his room last night. Aubry dies a little inside and says, "‘Whatsherface?’ Are you talking about Kristy Joe?" Bret confirms that he is, indeed.

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Bret then launches into a discussion of karma. Does this mean that someone's going to go complaining to Kristy Joe in her room soon?

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The answer is yes! Bret is wise! Praise him! Aubry tells Kristy Joe that Bret was talking about her and Kristy Joe freaks out, which: duh. "He thinks I’m fake? Wait till he f***ing sees what’s really in this house!" Uh, he has, and as a matter of fact, he happens to enjoy silicone and peroxide, thank you very much.

Kristy Joe then confronts Bret.

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"I'd like to know how you really feel about me," says Kristy Joe. "As far as what?" says Bret. As far as you can throw her! Just kidding, that doesn't make sense. But anyway, Bret might as well attack that very item for all of his vagueness. Regardless, there's no time for explanation because there's an elimination that has to take place! This week's special guest will be Hedwig.

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Just kidding. But that hair is seriously and completely right out of Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

Daisy is the first to be called. I know, I know: you're shocked. More interesting is throughout elimination, Megan looks like she's smelling something rotten.

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Like, increasingly so.

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Thing is: she probably is smelling something rotten, all things considered.

Megan's finally called second-to-last, because Bret just isn't feeling a connection. If Bret doesn't want her, I'll take her for her storytelling ability alone.

Anyway, it comes down to Aubry and Kristy Joe, who's a total wreck because OF COURSE SHE IS.

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Aubry witnesses the disaster unfurling before her eyes...

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Bret starts to announce the girl he's going to keep and he says that she told him that she wasn't well. But maybe he was talking about the girl he was going to eliminate or maybe he was referring to something other than when Aubry told him, "I'm not well." Or something. It's so hard to tell what anyone's talking about on this show a lot of the time.

Anyway, Aubry senses that she's staying for whatever reason and so she steps up and sacrifices herself, asking Bret if she forfeits her place in the competition, if it will keep Kristy Joe around for one more week.

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It will. Now it's yet another V.I.P.'s turn to sum up the situation as only members of that group can. Destiney reports, "Aubry is sacrificing herself for another girl in the house that wanted to leave. None of this makes sense! They should both get the f*** out of here!" Given the situation, it's hard to fault her logic.

Anyway,  Aubry leaves and cries and leaves and cries.

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"If Bret and I are supposed to have a chance together, we will later. We’re in the same city." Again, I don't know what that means exactly, but I guess if Bret ever needs to sing karaoke, he knows where to go.

We see more of Aubry's huge display as she's leaving.

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She reminds Kristy Joe that this is "a gift." Well, where's the receipt then?

What makes this production infinitely more awesome is this:

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Kristy Joe was going to stay all along! You might now reflect on Aubry's drama and say, "All that for nothing!" But it wasn't for nothing. It was for us. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

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Comments
Jason

Hedwig's face was never that droopy. But with that said: brilliant!

Megan

Whenever I see Aubry, she reminds me of an ugly Patricia Arquette. Which is to say...Patricia Arquette.

miss belle

Ah, the Hedwig, it's like my fave tranny hairstyle. And she smiled with her eyes! Yay Aubry!
Or maybe not.
Kristy Joe should find Ricky from Project Runway, they can share a box of kleenex and cry cry cry...for no real reason, just cuz the cameras are rolling.
As much as Daisy freaks me out, looks-wise, I am willing to bet that she'll win this thing. If she is using any kind of strategy, it's this: boobs out, less talking, always ready for a kiss or more, and drop some music knowledge if appropriate. Walking Bret to his room was genius, sure she used this strategy to her advantage.

If there is a Rock of Love 3, and Bret is in it, I hope they can stop the whole "let's go to Bret's room to vent" crap. At least no venting until there are like 4 girls left. It's way too early for all this, "i need to talk to you" bulls**t.

Gwen

I just can't wait for Angelique to enter Charm School. Thanks for the Hedwig reference. I couldn't figure out who she reminded me of! I love Ambre, but I think Kristy Joe is going to win. Flavor of Love 3 recaps are going to be AWESOME!

e

Can I just ask: Who the heck is Jessica?? Has this girl gotten any screen time? Watching it I thought, "who's that hot girl?" She got like 10 secs of screen time. Darn her for being drama free apparently up to this point.

Charlie

Has anyone else recognized Megan from Beauty and the Geek? She won a couple seasons back. Her partner was Scooter.

Charlie

Has anyone else recognized Megan from Beauty and the Geek? She won a couple seasons back. Her partner was Scooter.

Little Pitcher Big Ears

Yeah, Charlie, EVERYONE has talked about Megan's time on Beauty and the Geek. It's been all over the various forums since before the first episode aired. Get with the program, and learn not to double post. Kthxbai.

Dawn Labette

Daisey is hot and looks the part of a rockers chick, but she has to keep her mouth shut! The ditsy is just too much to stomach.

Bunde

Ah,
Brett Farve...or whatever, there is a difference between a spiritual relation and a sexual one, dude. You got the little head mixed up with Big Daddy.
YA THINK?!!

leslie

What's the deal with all the funny looks that Megan always has on her face? Is she really disgusted or is it that she doesn't have a clue what's going on?!!

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