Everything you need to know about this episode (and everything you need to know about everything, for that matter) is here:

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Remember last episode, when a lot of girls piled on Bret and licked him and said they were 45 and talked about horses and then about five of them left? Yeah, well Courtney doesn't. She slept through elimination, which is funny, but this means that she also slept through her elimination, which is funnier. Or tragic, really, depending on your point of view. Although if you see it in that way, you probably consider this show a tear-jerker.

Anyway:

That's Petyon pulling Courtney out of her fog and filling her in on what happened. Peyton goes on to tell Courtney that her tour ends here. You know she's been dying to tells someone that. Shoot, I've been dying to tell someone that. Not anyone in particular...I just want to sound cool.

Anyway, Peyton feigns remorse in having to clue Courtney into her booting.

Courtney's initially confused...

...but, you know, most people in this house are initially confused when anyone says anything. Must be something in the water.

Not necessarily dumb but at least unaware that it's precisely that attitude that got her the boot. Well that and the whole blacking out thing. I love that she's doing this with that weird blanket over her head. Is "home" that bar in Star Wars?

On Courtney's way down the stairs, we hear Peyton cackle and say in a voice that could only be described as whiskey-kissed, "Stay off the sauce!" Take it from someone who knows, Courtney. Outside, Courtney says that she's the kind of girl who gets blackout-drunk and if Bret's not into that, she's not the right girl for him. Self-awareness is the secret of joy. Even though she seems to have lost, Courtney wins!

Back in the house, Sara makes the unwise decision to openly say that she's on the show as the result of a dare.

She says this in Inna's presence, and Inna tells Aubry because she knows that Aubry will tell Bret. You know, that's some strategy right now: you get all the benefits of snitching without any of the reputation. Though Inna will soon don an entire body sheath made of netting that will make me regret this, I have to say that for now that she's wise.

Aubry, as predicted, runs off to Bret, who just happens to be tossing a pigskin around in the backyard with Big John. After she gamely endures an impromptu lesson...

...Aubry gets down to business, asking Bret exactly what he's looking for: "Sincerity? Honesty?" To this, Bret says, "Well, here’s the thing…" Ha! Silly Aubry, if you think those things are important, you're on the wrong channel. Bret goes on to say that physical attraction and chemistry are his priorities. At least he's honest. Hey, wait a minute! Maybe he's on the wrong channel. He adds that things like sincerity and honesty eventually matter...but not before, oh, say, edible panties. Priorities, priorities.

With all of that said, Aubry still tells Bret about the Sara thing. Let's see if it matters!

Then, the girls get a Bret Mail. Angelique reads this, which I'm sure was completely random and not because the captioner has a boner for phonetically spelled subtitles.

Quite honestly, Frenchie accent or not, the Bret Mail is virtually incoherent.

It ends, "Shake it a little / Shake it a lot / Be sure to show me / What you got!" I mean, do these girls really need to be asked to do that? I can't wait for the Bret Mail that goes, "I know you can't wait to show me your ta-tas / To live without dying, drink some wattah." I'm sure such guidance would help many. Anyway, the girls cheer for the Bret Mail, despite having no idea what it really means. Angelique, in turn, have no idea what they mean and so says, "I'm getting better, right?" I'm not sure what she's improving in, but I know that she's already perfected her drunken sway.

And really, why mess with perfection?

The girls somehow decide that their challenge will be a talent show and so they start practicing their talents. No bananas are harmed in this segment, at least none that we see.

Destiney does this:

So she's a sexy mime who packs and moves boxes?

Angelique who so immediately awesome that she can't even wait for a spin-off and has seriously just hijacked this show, explains what she'll be doing for her talent:

She will eventually smear this on her breasts. No really.

Ambre says that she's going to wrap herself up because she's "really good at wrapping presents and stuff." The talents are so deep and unexpected!

Niki says that she's going to write a poem, and Petyon is almost insanely excited about this.

Niki admits that the poem will be cheesy, but that's cool because she's good at being cheesy. Supportively, Petyon replies, "Well, then, do what you’re good at!" By that logic, we can assume that Petyon's talent will involve fire breathing. Awesomely, she gets all kinds of brimstone when she interviews that Niki's sweet, "…but that sucks." I knew I liked Petyon last episode, but I didn't know that she'd become my favorite person in the world. Her voice is like steel wool for the soul.

Then, it's time for the challenge, which is immediately announced as a farce via a sign.

Ah, sight gags.

They never stop.

It turns out that instead of a straightforward talent show, the girls will actually be giving Bret a peep show. Each girl will perform, one at a time, in a plexi-glass cage. If Bret likes what he sees in the 30 seconds they're given, he can insert a token into a slot next to him, thus opening his heart for an additional 15 seconds of peepage. The other girls, meanwhile, will look on in another room.

I never realized that Niki looks so much like Molly Shannon. This show is like Saturday Night Live, but funny.

Aubry is first up:

She drums. She sucks, but not in, like, the good way. She gets no coin.

Destiney's routine turns out not to be box-pushing mime, but kung fu. Despite being covered head-to-toe and not doing anything particularly sex-oriented (I guess she chops it like it's hot?), Bret slips her the coin.

Niki recites her poem.

"Here I stand before you / My heart worn on my sleeve / God I am so nervous / I can barely breathe." That's where it cuts off, and Niki does not receive a coin. Next time try working in the word "skeeve," Nik.

Korie's talent apparently involves misspelling...

Catherine briefly recites a poem that also doesn't seem to involve the work "skeeve."

A pity, really.

Kristy Joe irons.

Ironing as a talent? Interesting. Of course, the real question is: can she starch?

Angelique helpfully illustrates Kristy Joe's seeming folly:

Every time I walk into my dry cleaner's, I think the same thing!

Kristy Joe gets the token and it's a good thing because...

Bam! The ironing worked out so well for her that Bret's still wants more of it even after this second, sexier act in Kristy Joe's show kicks off. "Just pretend you’re ironing again, ’cause that just f***in’ completely turned me on," he commands. Kristy Joe just created a monster. If they ever get busy, you know he's going to request that she bring the iron to bed, and then he's going to end up paying more attention to it than her. She'll be really torn apart when Iron of Love with Bret Michaels hits VH1 later this year.

Megan does this weird thing where she puts a bunch of thongs in a bag and then pulls out an American flag.

The fact that she's holding the flag how Fred Phelps might at one of his rallies does not matter to Bret. But then, of course it doesn't. "Ah the American flag. Nothing can make me stand at attention better than the American flag. Hi-o!" he says. Look, at least he's having fun.

Sara does a belly dance sans belly.

Inna ties a cherry stem with her tongue.

You know, I never really got this trick. I know it's supposed to be a demonstration of tongue agility, but I just imagine my penis ending up in a knot and, uh, no thanks.

Ambre is good at not just wrapping presents and stuff, but also unwrapping presents and stuff.

We hear Daisy singing a song that goes, "Tired of playin’ all these games…"

...and that's it. Damn it! That song really had amazing potential and I feel robbed. At the very least, I wanted to see what she was going to do about her fatigue.

Luckily, the editing is more generous to Peyton, who hits the stage with an acoustic, like a bat out of hell. And/or Meatloaf.

"Blow me ovah / And take me down / I know what you want from me…" it goes. Wow. Talk about putting everything into a performance.

Finally, there is Frenchie.

Is that really true? Are we really to believe that Angelique is the only stripper in the house? Maybe her grasp on English is so tenuous that when other girls referred to themselves as "dancers," Frenchie, like, believed them? It would make sense, for Angelique's routine seems to come precisely from a land without euphemism.

"They told me I could get naked for you!" she announces. Uh, did she really need to be told that? Isn't that, like, in her contract? Regardless: get naked she does!

The girls are delightedly repulsed.

Now they know how America feels!

For Angelique's final trick, she smears some considerately diabetic chocolate mousse on her breasts...

...and we don't see what happens next, but Bret makes sure we know about it: "I’m looking for a woman who I can connect with spiritually, and any woman willing to lick chocolate mousse off of her own breasts, that’s a spiritual connection you can’t deny." The funny thing is that I know exactly what he's talking about. It's as though Angelique's frequent...bouts are created with my predispositions in mind. It's not just spiritual, it's like a prayer. Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone...and with chocolate on their t**s.

Anyway, Daisy, Peyton and Ambre win the challenge and tomorrow's date with Bret.

The girls are then told to stay up and party. Destiney, Daisy, Megan and Jessica, who know seems to be under the impression that she's a V.I.P. (did you know that you could get V.I.P. just from casual contact?) then go to sleep. Way to listen, ladies!

The rest of the girls, or so it seems, stay up to party with Bret...

...and listen to him sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn."

"Every Rose Has Its Thorn" is a near-constant point of reference on this show, but you know what? It really should be. I can think of few things that Bret Michaels is associated with that are more beautiful. Heather's hair, maybe. Angelique, for sure.

Takes hot to know hot!

You know that with lips as complicated as Angelique's, such an act requires strategy.

Bret kinda talks smack on the girls who skipped out on the partying and, for some reason, decides that tomorrow, there should be an old-school dance-off. Is that what he calls punishment? As the party breaks up, he pulls Peyton aside and tells her to tell the sleeping V.I.P.s that he's pissed about their absence. Peyton interviews that she's happy to do so.

"If Bret wants me to walk on water I will!" You know, I was thinking she looked a little bit Jesus-y.

Anyway, she tells the sleeping beauties about the dance-off and Daisy totally scoffs the idea.

She's totally making fun of Bret! She's just too young to know. I also would like to point out that she sleeps with what seems to be a unicorn.

It's too bad that she wasn't around for Kristy Joe and Missi's horse conversation of last episode. No matter: as long as Daisy stays in this house, continues to rock our world and channels Rainbow Brite, we're cool.

In an interview, Megan despairs over Bret's disappointment in her for choosing sleeping over partying.

"We wanted to get beauty sleep. We were just trying to be hotter for him, if that’s possible." There are a lot of ways to counter this hypothesis, but I'll keep it quick and say that getting hotter for Bret requires methods much less natural than sleeping. You know?

And then, the winners' date. It's a hootercross motocross date. How romantic. There's no better way to say, "Huh? Can't hear you!" than with a motocross date.

Before getting to riding, Bret does the robot, for some reason.

Will it surprise you to find out that this isn't the last time we'll see someone doing the robot in this episode?

And then, they ride.

And then, they eat.

Apparently no one likes Daisy enough to inform her that her face is caked in dirt.

Seriously, she looks like a Hitler cat.

While Peyton and Daisy talk to Bret about their music, Ambre sort of fades into the background. Apparently, if you can't communicate through music, you can't communicate. Bret thinks that it's best that he and Ambre spend some time by themselves to make the connection that he's sure they can make. Bret's dating style could be easily summed up as "faith-based."

They talk, they make out. Standard format.

Bret thinks this kiss is amazing. "I got movement. Heavy, heavy movement." That isn't your stomach turning, it's movement!

Meanwhile, the V.I.P.s and Jessica, to make up for being so lame last night, make Bret a homemade card. Because that isn't lame at all. They wait by the door for his return so that they can give it to him.

Yep. "Amazing" is exactly the word for it.

Inna and Angelique catch on to what the girls are doing here and they decide that they, too, will wait by the door for Bret to come home.

This makes Destiney mad: "Inna and Angelique decide to come down and, like, wait for him. And they’re copying us! Like, come on!" Well, Destiney, what do you expect? When you innovate in the field of waiting by the door, others are bound to follow suit. Take it as a compliment.

So then, Destiney, Jessica and Megan decide to wait closer to the door.

Angelique and Inna, in response, wait even closer.

It ends up looking like an impromptu audience for a seminar on, oh, I don't know, no-brainer ways to get a guy's attention.

Before they can continue this game of leapfrog down the driveway, Bret comes home. Angelique and Inna end up getting to him first.

Yeah, we know. We know well.

The V.I.P.s preset Bret with his card.

It's more a plaque for a country time brothel than a card, per se, but whatever. Bret likes it and says that everything awesome has been included. Again: hard to argue. People are super-specific this episode. Makes my job easier.

Anyway, Angelique and Inna lead Bret into the living room, where they've cleared space to make a dance floor for the competition. When the dance-off is mentioned Bret's like, "Eh?" But the girls insist and so it will be. Inna changes into something a little more...binding...

And you know, let's just take a moment to appreciate netting. It's rare that you find a material that looks more sexual on a body than off. Inna is naked in reverse, right about now.

So here's how it'll go down: provided they don't get caught in her net, the girls will pick a piece of paper that Inna's holding. It will tell them what dance to do. Three winners will be awarded the obviously makeshift prize of a free pass for Bret. This will allow them to steal him away from a girl at any given time. So basically, it's silicone on paper. Since Inna and Angelique masterminded ("minded") this competition, they will not participate but judge. When Angelique finds out that she has absolute power, she does a dance of her own:

I like watching her spring into it, although I think maybe a gif of her doing just the meat of the dance, if you will, has its uses as well. If the one above is the full lobster, here's the tail below:

All of that is to say that Angelique is buttery.

Dancing ensues.

No one knows how to do anything. Seriously, if you thought the setup of the competition was remedial, you should see the execution. I'd take gifs, but seriously, the whole thing would have to be gif'ed and I'm not trying to make my carpal tunnel worse than it is.

Oh, also Bret kisses Daisy's torso.

He really likes her. I guess that's why they say every rose has its torso.

In the end, the winners are the legitimately lovely Roxy...

...Destiney, who took the name of her assigned dance, the running man, so literally, she did everything short of sprouting a penis...

...and Daisy. Because she's Daisy.

Eliminations!

Peyton looks actually really pretty with her hair up, no?

There's a refined, cosmopolitan girl in her yet!

Immediately, the topic of Sara's dare comes up.

Inna pummels her.

...but not more than she has her face with makeup. Seriously, girl, turn the makeup gun down a notch or two or five to at least the "community theater" setting, please.

Bret calls Sara up. She denies that her appearance on this show was a dare, per se, and that when she said that, she had just worded things wrong. While this is plausible, Sara never makes her argument rounded by saying that she's here for Bret. And because she never says that, she must leave.

That'll teach ya to be adventurous, damn daredevil!

Eliminations proceed as they do. In the end, Korie, Niki and Frenchie are all that are left. It's really scary because it seems like Frenchie might get the boot, but, whew, she doesn't.

That's what I look like inside, because I'm so happy that she's sticking around for another week.

And speaking of sticking, that's what she attempts to do with her tongue, down Bret's throat.

We even get a rare POV shot of it:

Just in case you needed more...movement.

Inna seems completely disgusted.

I thought she and Frenchie were friends? So much for sisterhood!

And so, Niki and Korie must leave. They're mostly pissed that they're leaving before Angelique and you know, fair enough! Not that I'd want it any other way, but I can see how being passed up for Angelique would do certain things to your confidence. Keep your heads up (and collagen-free), girls.

Just before the show ends, we get a great interview from Catherine, who explains, "I’m not here to make friends…"

Ah, someone finally said the magic phrase. Now it's a reality show

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Comments

[mel]

rich , Have you figured out where megan is from? It took me two viewings but finally I got it SHE'S from that beauties VS geeks possibly the last one, but could be season 2.man if shes smart she won't say anything to that pack of rabid dogs

[the.jj]

Rich, I must say that your recap is better than the show! I was so horrified by Angelique's mousse-y bosoms that the rest of the show passed by in a swirl of netting, bare abs (hello... so 2000), and plastic lips. Glad I now got to re-live it!

Oh, Bret. He is as caricaturish as Daisy's lips. I love the hypocrisy of letting Sara go because she's "not there for him." Because the rest of them clearly all, y'all.

I'm finding the line between reality and fiction a bit more blurred this time around than last. Keeping Frenchie on is an obvious nod to ratings... but I will continue watching -- and looking forward to these recaps. Although I am NOT looking forward to seeing Lacey during the next show. I really disliked her then; I really dislike her now. I wish the producers would stop giving her so much airtime. Her bloated ego doesn't need more stroking! (Cue Bret's voiceover: That's Awesome.)