Very early in this first episode of Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels, Big John lays down the formula for the show. Everything you need for a great season is in the following steps:

1. Bring the noise.

2. Bring the barrel full of Bret's Brew.

(No, really. It's called Bret's Brew.)

3. Bring the mess.

4. Bring the swing.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Hold the lather, actually. Soap has no place in this house.

Yay! Rock of Love's back! Yay! We get to rewatch Bret Michaels reconciling his love for the "bitch goddess" that is rock and roll with his love for women. Yay!!!

Yay!!! We get to be introduced to Peyton, who doesn't say much on this episode (really, no one does), but whose every action suggests greatness. I'm calling it now: Peyton is the one to watch. I mean, come on:

But before that, let's check in with Bret, who we first see driving a car that is pretty much the silent way of stating, "I'm kinda turned on."

And it's pointed at the girls, some of whom we get early interview flashes of:

"I am drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent," reports Megan. Replace the rosary beads with nipples and there you have Megan.

"I wanna f*** Bret first, and then I’ll make love to him," says Inna. I bet the feeling's mutual and that Bret can't wait to get all up Inna.

"I am bisexual. I love making out with hot, sexy women. If I’m not getting it from Bret, then I’m gonna go find some hot girl to make out with," says Tila Tequila, I mean Destiney. An alternate title for this season, provided Destiney stays around long enough and is a woman of her word? Love Hangover with Bret Michaels. Pound down those broads, Dest!

Anyway, the girls are standing outside the Rock of Love mansion this whole time and Bret finally arrives. The girls are ecstatic.

Love that the girl on the far left, a charming French lass we come to know as Angelique or "Frenchie," sticks her hip out in greeting. It's like she thinks doing the hokey pokey is a proper American greeting. Little does she know that in this house, there's less hokey, more pokey. That's the idea, at least.

Bret addresses the girls by reflecting on last season:

"We had a lot of rock of like, a ton of rock of lust, but very, very little rock of love and it didn’t work out so well for me, right?" Well, you are here now. That's something. Bret adds that this time it's for love and it would be a "great and awesome" feeling to find someone he could really fall in love with. As opposed to being a "great and s***ty" feeling, I suppose. And so, it's time to get down to business: "There’s only one way that I know how to find true love, right? That’s to go back into this house, get completely naked and have an awesome party. So that’s what we’re gonna do!" Bret tells his ladies. In the future, this will be the only way anyone knows how to find true love. Fact!

But first, there is eliminating to do, or so it seems. Bret gestures like Terence Stamp in Superman II while choosing four women:

They are:

Erin, Megan, Daisy and Destiney. They're all sooo pissed, which makes the contrast of the 16 girls who are immediately allowed into the house that much more awesome.

"Home sweet home, baybay!" yells Peyton upon entering. Little does she know that this show shoots only for four weeks, if she makes it that long. But shhh! Don't tell her. I don't want anyone to spoil her fun.

Meanwhile, Angelique says this:

Paul Verhoeven, this is your legacy. In other news, Angelique's tight top makes me hungry for cake.

Back in front, the emotional crisis is still underway. As the four girls prepare to pack their bags, Big John drops a bomb on them. A very important bomb: they're actually Bret's VIPs.

They are ecstatic, but also: duh. I mean, at least two of them are waaaay too (relatively) attractive to be sent packing so soon. Destiney acts as if getting into the Rock of Love mansion is her...

...destiny, actually.

The other girls are pissed that these girls are allowed back into the house, but as Daisy explains...

..."This is the special VIP. Very important p****!" Gee, when she puts it like that, it really makes the specialness of the designation resound. Doesn't Daisy, btw, look like an '80s hair metal frontman preserved in...preservatives? And maybe a tub of collagen? It's as though she's the lead singer of White Lion or something. Love that she's one of Bret's VIPs. Who says narcisism is dead?

Now in the house, Destiney is able to take in all of its charms:

"I am going to rock the stripper pole! I went down to Hollywood Blvd. to get some stripper shoes, specifically for the pole." But what of the hole, my bisexual box of buxom?

Anyway, said pole doesn't belong to anyone but Angelique:

Man, are we lucky.

When I saw this shot, all I could think of was last season and how freaking good it feels to be home.

Bret corrals the girls for the first-episode staple that is the photo shoot. Please take the time to familiarize yourself with the girls and their often fascinating approaches to what they think is appropriate facial behavior.

Annnnd, let's take a second to appreciate the genius of Angelique.

I can think of no other way to describe her stance here than "hulking." But there's more awesomeness where that came from:

That blur on her foot? Panties.  Follow the subtitles:

OK, then:

This makes last season's single-breast reveal by Heather in the photo shoot look positively demure, oui?

We then hear Angelique explaining her seemingly inexplicable appearance: "I had my breasts done twice, because first time I didn’t like them because it was too small to my taste. My nose, my lips, my teeth." Before having the surgery, she looked like Lauren Conrad. True story! As Angelique is explaining this, she gestures broadly.

Swoon. I do believe I'm in love.

Peyton does something...weird when it's her time:

Is that the downward dog?

Inna takes more pride in her split than a banana.

And then it's time for Courtney...

...and seriously, this is her shining moment. It's all downhill from here.

During this session, girls making out with Bret is par for the course, so I haven't haven't really been highlighting all of that. Just know that exposed tongues abound. Something that does not go without saying, however, is Megan's method for greeting Bret:

If Bret Michaels were a flavor of ice cream, he'd be Rocky Road, don't you think?

And then there's Kristy Joe who announces that she has "a weird germ thing" and actually wipes Bret off before kissing him.

Girl, it's gonna take more than your hand to disinfect him. Also: a germaphobe entering the Rock of Love house? What kind of masochism is that?

Finally, there is Erin.

I know she's going for "rock" here, but I look at that picture and all I can think is "singing nun." Don't even worry about replacing the rosary beads with nipples this time.

And then: frolicking.

Amid all the fun, Courtney emerges as the house's Debbie Downer:

"I just kept looking around. I was like, ‘Everyone is so hot. I’m, like, the fat round girl. What am I gonna do?’" Way to announce your insecurity Courtney. Now people are going to think that girls who go on these shows have low self-esteem. Way to ruin it for everyone!

While the girls play, Bret gets one-on-one time with his VIPs.

Megan reveals that she has a "huge" modeling career. And by "huge," she isn't referring to the amount of work, but the amount of what she's working. And by that, I mean: breasts.

Destiney gives Bret a present: a custom bandanna. I'm sorry, but "I had a bandanna made!" is nowhere near as snappy as last season's, "I had a hat made!" Step it up, Destiney!

Bret also notes Destiney's cackle (it's more a chortle, but whatever) and her generally annoying personality. He kind of interrupts her mid-sentence with, "Can I just kiss your mouth right now?" Ha!

Kip Winger, I mean Daisy, reveals that she's a musician.

She and Bret both delight in what she calls her "great assets." Do you think that her narcissism is part of what's attractive to Bret? That's like meta-narcissism on his part. This show should be called Rock of Self-Love.

And then, before Erin has the chance to sit on Bret's couch and possibly touch his backstage pass, Inna jiggles her way over to him...

...and wraps herself around him.

Hey guys, I think she wants to do him, but I'm not really sure. What do you think?

And then, Erin does meet with him and...really, she shouldn't have bothered.

"Like there’s so many things going on in the world and a lot of them I’ve learned about through MySpace, like." Again, glimpses of the future of society abound. Hopefully global warming will wipe us out first.

With the VIPs out of the way, Big John announces that the remaining girls get just one hour to make an impression on Bret. Dog-piling ensues.

So do brief flashes of revelation:

Whoa!

"I do Playboy, but that's a different style."

Wha?

"My father was never there and I just want someone to love me."

Awww.

(And then, in response to Inna:

...to which I say: HA!)

"Sex to me is…everything."

Whoo-hoo!

"I’m fat and I’m ugly, it’s OK. I don’t mind. I don’t…no stop it! I don’t mind. It’s OK."

Record scratch. Groan. I mean, really: shouldn't looking around this house make you feel better, not worse, about yourself?

All along, there's a divide between the "slutty" girls and the "bitchy" girls, to use the terminology from Sam of last season. Two of the former category, Missi and Kristy Joe, spend lots of time standing around and complaining as the...shall we say more forward girls  steal Bret's attention. They finally get him alone and...

...he walks away! He says he's got to pee, but we never see him doing that (which: darn it!). What we do see is him watching Jackye as she spazzes out on the stripper pole.

I'd make a gif of that, but I don't want to have a seizure before I can finish this recap.

Missi and Kristy Joe make small talk as they wait.

Snort. All I can think of is Lisa Frank. Ladies, this show is not called Sticker Collection of Love. Kristy Joe caps this fascination conversation with...

Ah. That's more like it.

Bret eventually comes back, but his interaction with them is unremarkable. He then hangs with Jessica and Ambre, which is a bit more eventful.

At this PDA, Ambre is scandalized.

I guess she expected a lot of hand holding and knowing glances?

Meanwhile, Courtney is in a stupor:

Come on, now. Passing out is not what you do on this show. She was the one who got the drunkest and she's also one of the most boring -- you'll notice that I'm only mentioning her drunkenness now because there's nothing to say about it except that it brings out the self-hatred. You, ma'am, are no Tiffany! Don't threaten me with a good time if you aren't going to deliver it, babe.

Then, it's time for eliminations. Megan is called first:

If the other girls didn't hate her before, they do now.

Then a bunch of other girls whose names you don't know yet are called. When asked if she'll stay in the house and rock his world, Peyton responds, "Like no otha." LOVE her. Bret then praises her "cool rock pants."

Is "cool rock" anything like "lite rock"? Because, really, I think it is.

He calls up Nikki...

"You have a little bit of a punk thing goin’ on. Kind of cool!" Bret tells her. "Kind of cool?" He really knows how to compliment a lady, huh?

Bret prefaces calling Angelique up to get her pass with, "I find this girl really interesting."

OK, so maybe he does have a heart. At the very least, that "interesting" shows just how charitable he can be.

When it's down to one pass, we see Ashley deliver the most WTF, greatest line of the episode:

"I’m just kinda sittin’ back here, holdin’ my ass cheeks together, hopin’ everything’s cool." I don't know much, but I do know one thing: if you have to hold your ass cheeks together, everything is not cool.

But unfortunately, Ashley's achievement in language is not rewarded: the last pass goes to Jackye.

But before she accepts her pass, she tells Bret that there's something he should know: before she was called, she didn't want her pass. She didn't want to stay and continue to rock Bret's world? Is she insane? She's very anxious, it turns out and when pressed further on whether she really wants to stay in the house, she decides that maybe it's better that she leaves to give a girl who really wants to be there a chance.

Jackye's exit interview mainly consists of her flapping her hands wildly. If she'd flap harder, she'd be home already.

So with her down, there's another slot left. It goes to Ambre who stretches her face into a, erm, position that immediately vindicates Bret's choice.

If Ambre wins and they adapt this show into a quirky indie comedy, let's hope it's called Bret and the Real Girl.

And so, girls must leave.

Ashley says she's a loser, but I disagree. We'll always have your butt cheeks, Ash!

Erin says Bret's decision leaves her confused. But don't feel too bad for her -- she would have been confused even if she'd stayed. I think being confused goes without saying for Erin.

And then there's Courtney, who Bret has the...courtesy (?) to leave alone in her stupor.

Bret tells the girls to inform Courtney that she's been cut whenever she comes to. Having your reality TV harem do your dirty work for you? That's not just awesome, it's insanely awesome.

If you're interested in connecting with other Rock of Love fans, Bret and his girls, check out FamousVH1Friends.com's Rock of Love 2 community site.

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Comments

[katie]

sooo...is it just me or is Erin the prettier twin of Spunkey from flavor or love 2??? if only she had told bret that he was more vibrant than a vibrator, she probably would have stayed!

[kate]

I loved Megan on Beauty and the Geek - I hope she wins THIS show, too!

[e]

Oh, you know the Beauty and the Geek thing comes to light on the show! Know it!!

RICH!! as usual the recaps are way better than the actual show!

[rose]

Um, was it just me, or did Bret say he was 40 at the beginning of the show? According to all knowing Wikipedia (Heh) he is 45 or 46.

[rose]

Um, was it just me, or did Bret say he was 40 at the beginning of the show? According to all knowing Wikipedia (Heh) he is 45 or 46.

[Jason]

Angelique is nothing short of a miracle. She's sorta like Natasha from ANTM Cycle 8 crossed with...well, Daisy on this show. I think it's amusing how Daisy thinks Angelique is such a mess when they clearly use similar surgeons.

[jade]

Every time i see Bret's face on the VH1 banner I think of Goldie Hawn.

[Kim]

I THOUGHT I saw Megan on Beauty and the Geek. It was bugging me all through the show.

[shelby]

um, i know she's been compared to new york by some...but janice (the female muppet band member http://www.goodasyou.org/good_as_you/images/Mup_janice.jpg) is for serious daisy's twin what with her squinty eyes and GIANT lips.

[Nellie]

Sorry Rich, but Peyton is this season's Rodeo--she will not have the staying power. Megan is this season's Heather. Kristy Joe is this season's Jes...but my money is on Ambre to win it all. The Jackye anxiety thing felt painfully scripted and Ambre will be the great love of Bret's life who almost got away. At least until Rock of Love 3. I swear, Flav and Bret are just looking for employment--not love.

[miss belle]

I agree that Rich's recap is better than the show -- dude better be getting paid.

Angelique and Daisy are trannies, right?

I don't understand how Kristy Joe, Jackye, Catherine or Courtney even got on the show in the first place. You know Bret won't date a woman his own age, he will expect girls to share bodily fluids with him constantly, and he will certainly give any girl an anxiety attack. Which leaves me to conclude that someone knew Courtney couldn't hold her liquor before taping started.

[Messalina 6-5000]

Speaking of Angelique and Daisy, what the hell is up with the massive amounts of silicone injected into their lips? (Yeah, it might be collagen, but I'm thinking they went for the nasty stuff.) They look like party balloons. I'm afraid a clown is going to grab Daisy's lips and try to make them into a poodle.

[fred]

is bret's brew a cover up of another brand of beer or is that an officially made drink?

[shay g]

Erin is spunkey from flavor of love thats crazy flav or bret dont want her wonder where shell be next

[victoria]

i louv bret off rock of louv