Quite a few episodes of Rock of Love have passed since we got to revel in the inherent entertainment of trashed girls on film.
And for that reason, this episode feels like home!
Hey, remember how Heather got that tattoo of Bret's name on her neck?
It's still there, are you amazed? Also: enjoy remembering that tat while you can, Heaths, because, regardless of the outcome of the show, there will probably come a day in the not-so-distant future that you'd give anything to forget it. Real talk!
Lacey explains that with Sam out of the house, it's basically a two-on-two game: her and Heather...
...versus Brandi and Jes...
If only she were on the same team as Jes so that the two strippers, Heather and Brandi, could be on the same team. Then it'd be a game of shirts versus skins. The whole evil versus good thing is played out, you know? Love's feet are a little tired from dancing with the devil.
The girls get a Bret Mail that tells them they'll be going to Vegas to see him in concert.
They are ecstatic. Note that half of them are ecstatic because this represents a return home. Trusty jokes derived from Showgirls and Simpsons (Vegas Mom!) references swirl, but the truth of the preceding sentence does just fine on its own, no?
Bret explains the impending activity thusly: "They have not got to see Bret Michaels the rock-star side yet." It's true. Without a guitar in his hand, he's just another skirt-chasing long-hair in a cowboy hat. Actually, we all know that isn't true. His flair for English and all things expressive makes him at least a slight cut above the rest.
The girls and Bret bus.
And then, they arrive in Vegas where Bret must immediately whisk himself away for soundcheck.
"Bret has to rush off to his soundcheck, and that's so rock-star of him. It's so sexy," explains Brandi. So that whole get-turned-on-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-you-probably-had-made thing that Bret's made his most...endearing quality must be contagious. It's like a self-perpetuating STD. Someone's not using protection!
The girls prepare for their night, which is to include a Bret Michaels concert and dinner after.
She looks cold.
Meanwhile, Heather and Lacey bathe together.
You know that they're completely down to the vagina under those bubbles. Naked in a bath with another girl is how many girls wind up after a night of drinking. Naked in a bath with another girl is how the Rock of Love girls prepare for a night of drinking. They're so much more hardcore than you are.
More preparations:
Hmmmm. Judging by the picture, I will guess crunchy bangs over blue eye shadow. Am I right?
Damn it!
Oh the irony to come. While Brandi gets all Lacey on Heather, Jes has a more practical strategy: "I really don't have a huge plan, but I know I don't want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will." Jes, Queen of Snots, I bow down to thee.
The girls attend Bret's show.
A few of them refer to the fact that they're in the front row and, uh...
...I suppose they mean relatively. To be fair, they have to be filmed and set apart from the crowd, but come on, girls. Has not seeing the rock side of Bret for this long damaged your perception entirely?
No matter. Bret plays, among things, the relatable "Bittersweet" and, of course, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." When he plays the latter, this woman who pops up next to Jes for a second...
"This is my favorite song!" Well, duh, lady. Take a number.
The show ends and the girls' wild night begins backstage.
Seemingly within seconds, Lacey and Brandi are trashed.
Could it have been the Jager?
Lacey, who never needs an excuse like drunkenness to be belligerent or write a song does both with a little gem that must be called "You Can Go F*** Yourself." It's like the Divinyls, inside out. Also, can I really, Lacey? Thanks!
It should be noted that while Brandi and Lacey carry on, Heather's just as lapsed in judgment, just silently:
What her hair lacks in body, her lower legs more than make up for. Is there any doubt that this is her intention completely? Heather explains the next order of business: "Lacey starts attacking Brandi, which would be cool, but she's so drunk, she has no idea what she's doing." Brandi, however, is more lucid and...flatulent.
Brandi lets one rip and then says charmingly, "Get the f*** away from me, I just farted." God, I need a bath. Whatever, at least she's resourceful. You'd think that because she went there, this would be enough to deter Lacey. It is not. Lacey keeps right in her face, at one point, pouring vodka on Brandi while chanting...
..."Uh, show me whatcha got. Uhhhh, show me whatcha got." She's got gas, and she already showed you. Do you want a freaking tour of her intestines?
Just as Lacey's at her most tipsy...
...Big John comes in to retrieve the girls for dinner. "Lacey, shut the f*** up and come on!" he yells. She asks for his hand, but he totally ignores her. Big John has revealed the key to dealing with Lacey. Think anyone has taken notice?
You know how when you're drunk, every single moment seems to be important, whether or not you remember it the next day? This episode has an uncanny ability of portraying such pseudo-significance. The girls walk to their meal...
Somewhere along the way, the girls flip-flop and s*** talk.
Here's Brandi's attempt at staking a divide between Lacey and Heather. Because we didn't actually see Lacey saying this, it is suspect information at best and, more realistically, more hot hair blown from Brandi's body. Heather is not drunk but she is a girl on Rock of Love, which means she willfully jumps into the blatant machinations of her peers.
That's Heather's "Oh no she di'int" face. It is so on, which is really wonderful news for us. Though Heather is generally regarded as a villain, she is awesome. I'm going to start counting her points of awesomeness in this episode from this point on. So far we have Heather Point of Awesomeness 1: Her teased-out boots. Heather Point of Awesomeness 2: Her reaction to Brandi's teasing. Count along, it'll be fun!
In their dining room (which also might be Bret's hotel room?), Lacey continues her offensive, this time less coherent than last.
"Don't give the fake bitches nothin'!" says Lacey. Brandi, the only person drunk enough to think engaging Lacey is a good idea, asks how they're fake. "You just wanna f***in' party!" slurs Lacey. Lacey, unlike her adversaries, wants to skip the party and get right to the part where she sticks her head in the toilet and calls it a night. This is because she is classy.
Jes snaps at Lacey's lack of respect for...well, everything at this moment. In an OTF, Jes describes Lacey as a "cracked-out cat," but you know what?
...that's giving Lacey waaaay too much credit. A cracked-out cat would still have more coordination.
Bret joins the group and Jes pleads with Lacey to pull it together.
Jes has way too much patience. She should seriously look into teaching preschool. Bret's sort of appalled at all that's going on, which is kind of amazing if you consider the sights he's seen in his 20+ years of the rock and roll lifestyle. He must have a high tolerance for this kind of crap and his patience is being tested. He asks if a nice meal is too much to ask. Obviously! "All's I want is some shrimp!" he says. Oh, Bret. Such carnal desires might as well be your claim to fame.
Lacey's condition rapidly deteriorates.
And so, Bret finally calls Big John in to get her out of there.
He literally carries her.
All of that nonsense for a little bit of romance with Big John. Hope it was worth it.
Brandi, too, deteriorates rapidly. Heather offers her an oyster and Brandi replies, "No, I don't f***in' want oysters."
Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 3: Her response to Brandi's oyster-bashing is, "Why? They're so yum-ola." Yum-ola. Because oysters are the SpaghettiO's of the sea. Heather loves them, too and we see her slurping them down. It's virtually pornographic.
And then, something amazing happens. Brandi looks like she's going to unleash (out of her mouth, FYI, because there should be a question at this point) or perhaps turns into the Blob, if Heather's horror-movie reaction (Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 4, btw) is an indication:
And then it happens:
Amazing. I want a stone representation of that for the fountain in my imaginary garden.
Brandi is shipped to the bathroom. Reflecting on the situation in an OTF, Jes says, "Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Froot Loops and a f***in' hungry stripper!" The Rock Star, the Cynic, the Two Drunk Froot Loops and the Hungry Stripper sounds like the best Peter Greenway movie that hasn't yet been made.
Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 5 is her reaction to Brandi's removal:
"Oh my hell. F***in' rookies. I'm so bored." Ah, the experienced winee and dinee. Sophistication!
Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 6:
The frosted shellac with which she coats her lips. To say it is poppin' would be an understatement.
In the bathroom, where Brandi is tended to by Bret and Jes, a starling revelation:
"Bret, I really f***in' love you," says Brandi. She immediately backpedals, saying that it's too soon to use the word "love." "You can say it," Bret assures her. So much ha! Bret wants to be adored.
Here's Jes' reaction to Brandi professing her love for Bret while trashed in a bathroom:
You know, Jes is really outrageously gorgeous, but I'll be damned if she didn't turn into Phyllis Diller for a second.
Bret decides that he's going to ask Jes to stay with him for the night. This prompts the jilted Heather to have a doggy bag assembled for herself...
...and to make this OTF statement: "What the f*** is that? She said, like, 1.5 word...s at the table." Being attuned to the basic math that's going on in someone's head is a bonding experience. For this reason, it is Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 7.
And then...
...sex, apparently. Of his night with Jes, Bret reports: "After everyone left, Jes and Me, um, got along quite well. We got to learn, um, each other both inside and out." That sounds so clinical, I hope they used surgical gloves. This would seem to be a bunch of macho blahblahblah, except that when we see Jes the next morning...
...her story matches. She says that as a result of their night together, she feels closer to Bret physically, emotionally and sexually. For this reason, she must now go away. Seriously: Bret knows that he's already made a connection with her and so she can go back to L.A. to sit by the pool. Ah, the charmed life of a reality TV contestant who's good at what she does.
Back in the Hangover Hut...
...Brandi reveals to Lacey and Heather that Bret is not the man for her. B-b...but, you just s...said. Ugh. I don't know what to believe anymore.
The girls join Bret by the pool.
"I gotta admit, they looked a little tore up from the floor up. And Brandi looked like she had been beat up," says Bret. The poetic repetition is astounding. Bret reveals to the girls that they'll take it easy by the pool for today and that he'll have one-on-one time with each of them in a series of massages. Heather is the first up.
Next is Brandi.
You know, this time the first "B" in her occasionally used "B.B." nickname stands for "Backpedaling" because Brandi again contradicts what she said earlier -- she likes Bret and she wants to be with him. Again, I don't know what to believe.
When Bret and Brandi are done, Heather asks her in front of him, "Did you talk to him what you said you were going to talk to him about?" Brandi yesses in a way that makes it clear that she didn't, and so Lacey the tattletale gets to reveal to Bret what's really going on or at least what she hopes it to be:
Lacey reveals Brandi's "not the one for me" statements of the morning regarding Bret. Bret points out that Brandi could just be messing with Lacey. Despite his wariness and the fact that he calls Lacey "malicious" to her face, he still ends up sending Brandi home. He'll share dinner with Heather and Lacey.
Bret doesn't want to be hurt by Heather. He's been hurt in the past by a dancer. In fact, that hurt is what propelled him to write "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Just when you thought it was impossible for that song to have more meaning, it's revealed that it's about a stripper. It is officially the best song in the history of music.
In an OTF, Bret reveals, "Here's the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It's a big, big thought going through my mind right now." Gee, Bret, have you tried whistling? Snapping? Yelling, "Here, girl!"? Putting seafood on your pole? The point is, it shouldn't be too hard of a transplant.
Onto Lacey, Bret says this: "What scares me is the seesawness in your manipulatalalalaiveness." You know what else scares Bret? Real words.
Lacey is adamant about getting to spend the night with Bret as she hasn't had any one-on-one time with him except, you know, every episode when she runs to his room to tell on people. She also starts in on a story about her mother dying. The best thing about this is it leads to the Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 8:
Her level of sensitivity is completely appropriate.
In the end, Bret ends up choosing Lacey to spend the night with. Poor Heather. At least we get to hear her say, "Oh my hell!" again, which is the show's greatest catchphrase since, "Don't threaten me with a good time." (It is, at least, better than, "What's-a goin' on.") Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 9 achieved. Also, Heather declares her alliance with Lacey officially severed. I know, you're shocked.
Bret and Lacey do their thing and...
...it makes me happy that doors have the fundamental ability to close. This show sometimes brings you face-to-face with the little things that make life good.
And then, a tragedy.
Heather's hair has deflated. Where's the big mess of teased tresses we've come to depend on? I'm taking off at least two Points of Awesomeness because of this.
While you're sulking, missy, you could be spraying and teasing!
Jes gets her pass first and Lacey follows. This leaves Brandi and Heather in the Bottom 2.
Heather, of course, reveals what Brandi said the morning after the drunken fit. Bret notes that those words contradict what she told him later that day. Ugh, we know, we know. Then, contradicting herself again, Brandi reveals that she can see Jes or maybe Heather with Bret but not her. She doesn't think she can let her guard down. "You could have told me this a long time ago!" says Bret. Seriously. Brandi wipes a tear away...
...revealing chipped nail polish. Well that just makes things more pathetic. Aw. I can't be mad at her. So, basically, she's eliminated herself. Bret tells her to have a nice life, but he at least hugs her. He's so charitable.
Outside, Brandi says that she didn't mean for it to seem like she didn't care. Ugh. Enough. We could spend the next 10 years trying to figure out what Brandi did and didn't mean. Really, it's best that she's going.
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I'm still wondering how you say 1/2 of a word. Do you stop saying it in the middle of a sente....
Posted by: Jess | September 10, 2007 at 02:10 PM
What about Heather's other catchphrase: "I'm golden."
Posted by: S-P | September 10, 2007 at 03:03 PM
does anyone else find it oddly disgusting that bret and the girls kept eating after both lacey and brandi threw up at the table? i mean, wouldn't the smell prompt a location change?
Posted by: Katie | September 10, 2007 at 03:36 PM
Okay, some thoughts:
Big John is a vile, bloated, loud mouth which makes him perfect for Bret. Really, could anyone have less charm? Remember his lovely quote when Tiff was in the house -- "problems are like a-holes, everyone has them" -- deep
Jes has got to be horrified that Mr. I'm Looking For Love went from her to Lacey without missing a beat -- ewww.
Loved the farting on Lacey -- so deserved!
Exactly what right does Bret have getting mad at Brandi? Yeah, his feelings have been so "real" throughout...
Posted by: Tiffany Fan! | September 10, 2007 at 05:23 PM
P.S. Jes, you are WAY too good for that Fergie-lookin mess
Posted by: Tiffany Fan! | September 10, 2007 at 05:24 PM
HELLO WAKE UP BRET, GET RID OF LACY,BEFORE PEOPLE COME UP MISSING, AND LETS GET OVER THE STRIPPER THING,STRIPPERS LOVE TO,I WAS A STRIPPER 4 17 YEARS AND FINALLY SETTLED DOWN WITH MY ROCK STAR DRUMMER,NEVER BEEN MORE IN LOVE AND SO HAPPY,SO HANG IN THERE HEATHER,JUST DONT STOOP TO LACYS LEVEL. JESS UR AWESOME, JUST STOP JUDGING PEOPLE BY WHAT THEY DO, AND TRY TO GET TO KNOW WHO THEY R...AND FOR GODS SAKE WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE FACES???? MUCH PEACE & LUV WILD CHILD
Posted by: SANDY WILD CHILD LAMONT | September 10, 2007 at 05:33 PM
Posted by: Heidi | September 10, 2007 at 08:51 PM
Pick Jess!!! She's from IL where I'm from & she's the prettiest!!!
Posted by: Amy | September 10, 2007 at 10:17 PM
Rich -- you never mentioned the 20 times (or maybe it was just 3 or 4) that Lacey said, "I don't want Bret to think I'm craaaaaaazy."
Uh, Lacey? The people of Crazy Town are waiting for you to bring the light back.
As much as I want Jes to "win," I think winning for her would be to end up with a camera guy, or the guy holding the boom, or possibly the guy in charge of stocking the bar. Or maybe the driver? The guy who delivers the groceries? Some other guy that we're not seeing.
And I predict: Lacey & Heather will hunt down whoever wins and burn their house down. Heather will at least do it with a smirk on her face, but Lacey will be all mascara-stained and wailing and...y'know.
LOVE THE RECAP, Rock On.
Posted by: miss belle | September 11, 2007 at 02:17 AM
Hey Bret you seem like a nice guy just like my boyfriend, Lacy is kinda cool in her own twisted ways. zisisallbad lol.. and Jess is just a sweethart kinda sorda, but Heather now is getting a little possesive and can't see that rocking ya. Good luck finding the girl that makes your sparks fly.
Posted by: lanee | September 11, 2007 at 03:35 AM
It's interesting that another person said(on the message board )that they had seen a Poison concert ( after the show ended ) and Bret announced that the girl he choose didn't work out.First of all, I really don't see how anyone would expect Bret to fall in love. He apparently doesn't know what true love is. He uses women to satisfy his ego and his carnal lust. This man doesn't even love himself ( if he did he wouldn't be drinking ) he is a Diabetic. Well hears a news flash...beer is alcohol and guess what??? Alcohol is SUGAR!!!Please there is no defending that! I know because I WAS a Diabetic ( for 36 years ) also. I have had a kidney and pancreas transplant..(so I'm no longer a Diabetic)And here's another news flash.. If Bret continues down that road, what's going to happen to his children? Has everyone forgotten about that little issue? This whole show is fake.With the lifestyle that Bret has chosen...he will never find love. there will be women who tell him that they love him...and maybe some think they do...BUT would you really expect him to be faithful?!? NO...this man thinks he's ALL THAT...in the next few years.. if he survives this disease without the loss of his eyesight or his kidneys shut down or God forbid he looses feeling in his fingers or feet ...do you think any of these women will stand by him and take care of him? Most of what I've seen ( on the show ) is women who want exposure ( although I like Jes, she seems real ). So... it seems that this whole thing was for false. Was this an aging rock star trying to jump start his career again....probably? Was he looking for love? Possibly...? Did it work out? I don't think so! But... bully for you Bret!! You got your " Rock Of Love " jollies off... Too bad you did it on national TV...it made you look desperate.
Posted by: domesticgoddess1 | September 11, 2007 at 09:26 AM
Thank you for Heather's "oh my HELL" clip. *That* may just be my new ringtone, since it's how I feel almost every time the phone rings.
How funny was Bret telling Heather he didn't need to see her naked, since she's pretty much naked all the time anyway?
Posted by: Talix | September 11, 2007 at 01:59 PM
Okay.... so we now hear that Brett tells everyone at a recent rock concert after the show is over that the girl he chose didn't work out?!! Well duhhh, if it is Lacey he chose then I think that is awesome that he dumped her... she probably started trying to manipulate everyone in his rock band to join her rock band...manipulation is not a fake,put on attitude, it is a real action of the real heart... and... if it wasnt' Lacey, but Jess, who we all want to see be the one, than that's a bummer but shows you again that these reality shows are NOT reality!!! And guess what Brett...you lost big by not keeping Jes - she was the best for you. Just look at the photos - she could be a model she is so photogenic.
Posted by: kay | September 11, 2007 at 02:04 PM
Domesticgoddess1, what exactly does the drinking do along with the diabetes? Exacerbate the condition? If that's so, oh my hell, he won't be around much longer to be there for his children, let alone the ho's he can't seem to stop boinking..
Posted by: Tiffany Fan! | September 11, 2007 at 04:54 PM
put seafood on your pole?!!!! thanks, rich, you always know how to make the tears roll down my smiling cheeks.
Posted by: jennypenny | September 11, 2007 at 05:24 PM
Well and truly recapped.
Rich, I love you forever as my very favorite blogger for your reference to Peter Greenway's The Cook The Thief His Wife & Her Lover. Can you imagine if Rock of Love included a little cannibalism in the finale? Yow!
Posted by: Jenny in Brooklyn | September 11, 2007 at 07:10 PM
This recap was a thing of beauty. So golden. VH1, please triple Rich's salary!
You know what I keep wondering? Bret never is without a bandanna or hat (usually both)... aren't any of these girls worried that dude is bald?
LOVE..the neverending litany of what Bret finds hot/erotic..castration! HAA....
If things don't work out with the Tat, Heather - easy change to "BRAT"
Posted by: Jacquie | September 11, 2007 at 11:22 PM
"Amazing. I want a stone representation of that for the fountain in my imaginary garden."
AHHHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! ohh... ah.... HAHAHAH!
you're jilarious.
Posted by: care | September 12, 2007 at 09:13 AM
I must say that I look forward to the recap more that I do the show each week. I can't count the times that I laughed out loud. You do a great job. It's a shame the show has to end because this is one of the little joys in my life but if Bret's anything like Flavor Flav we'll have a Rock of Love 2 in the makings soon.
Posted by: Nickie | September 12, 2007 at 11:05 AM
Yes I know who is the one. "Jess" She is the only one who is real and true. The rest play, manipaluate, and scheme. I am sure Bret has had more than his fair share of that being a celebrity.
Posted by: keisha | September 12, 2007 at 04:15 PM
Bret.....after watching the show I have seen an entire new side to you.Honestly was never into rockers...but you are genuine and have beautiful eyes.......I love the fact that your world revolves around your children...With that I really like Jes but she is young and has alot to experience in life and really may not be ready to settle down...as for Heather she really cares about you...and what she does for a living shouldn't matter..you are always around horny women..I really thinK Heather really understands you and truly loves YOU for YOo
Posted by: Brenda | September 13, 2007 at 01:16 PM
Hell, I'd do Jes. She is SMOKIN hot!! Bret's been straight up in saying that he was looking for someone of quality to date....my opinion only, Jes is the girl....GO STEELERS!!!!
Posted by: Becca | September 14, 2007 at 11:59 AM
God only wish i wouldve seen the audition for this show! So he wouldn't have to pick from any of these women! Cept Jess of course i think that jess already has it in the bag though and the rest is just for good tv! Let men know when rock of love 2 comes out! LOL JK
Posted by: Jennifer | September 15, 2007 at 12:26 PM
I have to say that this show was the best one yet! I can honestly say I have lost all respect what little I had for Brett after he slept with Jess and then turned around and slept with nasty azz Lacey the next night ewwwwwww. we are all hoping that Lacey goes this week!!! I think the last two will be Jess and Heather and he'll choose Jess but then she'll ditch him because she actually has morals an values haha just my predictions! loved the recap that was awesome I never laughed so hard!
Posted by: Jaime | September 15, 2007 at 02:09 PM
"Love's feet are a little tired from dancing with the devil:" what a gorgeous line! Thanks for the awesome recap.
I am completely, utterly, inexplicably addicted to this show. Being from Chicago (where a bunch of the RoL gals like Jes, Mia, Tiffany are from), I've been privy to some great goss about the show, mostly of its fakeness. While this revelation should be as unsurprising as if Heather were to reveal that her bosoms were (gasp!) fake, it still is a bit of a bummer.
There's a YouTube video where Mia and Jes talk on a Chicago radio show about how they did the show for publicity. (double gasp!) I found it strange how frank they were about that--and that VH1 lawyers didn't make them sign any sorts of confidentiality, don't-tell-anyone-you-weren't-in-this-for-true-love agreements.
I love Heather's Points of Awesomeness, because beneath her scary, scary, frosted, shellacked lips and hair, she seems to be -- I don't know, fun? actually into Bret? which is the point? maybe?!?
The bet part was at the dinner table while Lacey was throwing up and being carried away, and Brandi was throwing up and being carried away, and Jes was carrying on taking care of the girls, and Bret just looked like his usual dopey self... and Heather just sat back, re-applied her lipgloss, and concentrated on the yummy seafood in front of her. Go girl!
As for who wins... and for when "evil" Lacey gets booted off... Who cares? That's not the point -- and I find Lacey a weak villain... I think Heather is so much more awesome in that respect -- like Heather Locklear from Melrose Place on steroids.
Posted by: the_jj | September 15, 2007 at 04:12 PM