The most amazing thing about this episode? We finally encounter something that does not turn Bret on!

The code has been cracked! Someone get Dan Brown on the phone!

When we meet the girls, we find out that last night, Brandi had the strangest dream.

It involved Lacey pursuing Bret and Bret not wanting her. So by "dream" she means "recollection of the past six episodes." Being on a reality show really messes with your...reality. Jes replies, "That's not a dream. That's real." All right, lady, stop trying to take my job from me. I'll do the commentary, thank you very much. You just sit there and look florescent.

The girls, now dubbed the "Sexy Six," get a Bret Mail:

It goes on to tell them that it's time to rock the camera and strike a pose. Here's Sam's reaction:

You know, that's always her reaction. It would seem that, like Bret, it doesn't take much to turn Sam on. She and Bret are birds of a feather. Or is that birds of a boner?

The girls are shipped to a set and lined up ANTM style, which is to say: execution style.

In two groups, they will be shooting covers for hypothetical Bret Michaels albums that they'll name. Jes, Sam and Lacey will be on one team, while Mia, Heather and Brandi will comprise the other. Two girls from each team will model, with the third taking the role as creative director. They'll have an hour to prepare for the shoot and an hour to pose for the pictures, taken by this guy:

The girls have an array of costumes and set pieces to choose from:

Remember how on Charm School, Leilene was always gravitating to the "stripper clothes?" Apparently, you can take the girl out of the strip club, but you can't take her out of the stripper clothes...'cause then you'd be doing her job for her. You have to wonder if swinging from a pole somehow sentences you to a lifetime of crotchless panties.

Creative deliberations begin.

Those words are Heather's. A lifetime of crotchless panties, indeed.

Somewhere in here, Mia and Jes both decided to be the creative directors, which means that if their team should win, they'll get a solo date with Bret. This, of course, immediately drives Lacey crazy. Well, "drives" isn't the right word. This lightly nudges Lacey into the crazy that clings to her like shadows to a goth kid.

Speaking of crazy, Lacey, Sam and Jes try to hammer out an idea. Lacey wants to combine the images of a dominatrix and a pin-up. "I had a friend who had an album called Sex Reflex." This episode is really all about boners. AS USUAL. It's too bad that B.B. isn't in their group because then they could have piggybacked on Lacey's friend's idea and named it Gag Reflex.

Meanwhile, fun is on the way.

For real:

Yeah. And the thing is that they're totally serious.

That weird dream that Brandi thought she had at the beginning of the episode is actually happening right now. Somebody pinch my eyeballs. Even if it doesn't wake me up, at least it'll temporarily blind me.

Seriously, she looks like Chow Daddy after 20 years of aging. I don't buy her as a mechanic. She's more like a bong salesman cum prison cafeteria worker.

Here's the concept sheet Mia and Co. work on:

OK, Brandi is totally the monkey.

Meanwhile, more hammering from Sam, Jes and Lacey. Lacey wants to do a angels-and-devils theme, but Jes doesn't like that idea because it's clichéd. "Pretend you're a thesaurus right now. What's another word for an angel?" asks Sam. So to avoid the clichéd, they'll go for something trite. Got it. "Goddess?" wonders Lacey, who, of course, would say that. Then Jes hatches this brilliant idea:

When does love dance with the devil? When Jesus, Buddha and Allah are spoken for?

The shoot begins and, honestly, it's not bad for what it is.

Except for the fact that Lacey attempts to direct the entire thing, prompting the photographer to tell Jes:

God's busy dancing, Evo!

The second shoot is relatively hideous. At one point, Heather suggests, "We'll have the hood up, and I'll be, like, sexy with a wrench." That's right, sexy with a wrench. If it sounds impossible, it's because it is, unless you're, like, Thor/Dawson from Adventures in Babysitting. Their shoot goes on way too long and they only have about six minutes to choose their shot. Brandi, however, has the confidence of an unknowing poodle headed to the groomers.

She'll need more than clippers to get that hair off.

At home, Lacey and Heather scheme for the sake of scheming.

Lacey thinks that if her team wins, she should get the solo date, since she came up with the concept for the album and chose the picture. But she only got to do that because she was being so obnoxious about it and talking over everyone. By Lacey's logic, if you warble along to a song on the radio louder than the actual vocalist, you're the one who should pick up the Grammy. Especially if that song rhymes "Decemba" with "rememba."

The girls receive their proofs, and so they begin plotting their presentations.

Evo's notes maintain that the angel-and-devil theme of Jes' group isn't clear. Lacey thinks she should present. Wrong! "She's just a conniving bitch," says Jes of Lacey. Jes has a knack for no-frills summation. Love her. Sam thinks that if it's for a solo record, their shot represents the artist's internal struggle. Lacey interrupts her and Sam says, exasperated, "Can I talk? Like, f***in'-a." Love her more.

As for the feedback on Mia's group, everything but the car gets negative marks.

But at least there's a bunch of inanimate, painted metal to fire Bret's engine. As they discuss the concept, Brandi's man character represents "manliness," according to Heather. And Heather's female character represents a fire hazard. Hairspray: live it, love it, fear it.

Outside, the tension between Jes and Lacey over creative directing hits a fever pitch.

"I'm not here to make friends with you guys," says the Lacester. She's right: she's here to say, "I'm not here to make friends."

Also, she's here to wear this T-shirt:

Good thing she planned ahead and packed that in the event of season-long machinations.

Brandi contends that Lacey is the "devil":

The devil is a bunny that reps for PETA. For real: makes sense.

Lacey pisses Jes and Brandi off some more when Jes confronts her about talking down to people.

Lacey interviews that her whole point is to rile the girls up and that they don't get it. Lacey has the m.o. of a cattle prod, but only half of the charm. Seriously, intentions be damned, annoying is annoying.

Brandi sends her off with an obscene gesture.

Love her most.

Sam somehow missed this whole session and so she gets filled in on it and we have to relive it.

Sam points out that if Jes didn't "act" like the creative director, it's because Lacey wouldn't let her talk. Lacey's too busy talking to actually hear what Sam's saying. Imagine!

And then, it's time to show Bret his album covers.

Mia's team goes first and...

Yeah. Heather and Brandi should take their show on the road and dub themselves Brooks & Dumb. They'll just stand around on stage attempting to look sexy as a man and with a wrench, respectively, with the end result being a sense of constipation. Actually, I'd probably pay for that. Broken Road is performance art. There, I said it.

Bret is, shall we say, unmoved for once.

He says he thinks the colors pop...and really, that's it.

Jes' group fares better because a pair of oranges in a leg of pantyhose would fare better.

But really, their shot isn't bad in an '80s-horror-flick-in-one-of-those-giant-porno-sized-boxes-that-they-used-to-put-the-video-nasties-in kinda way. Bret's into it. As Jes explains the concept, she describes why each girl was perfect for her respective role. It's all about the eyes: Sam's are dreamy, while Lacey's are, "no offense: evilish." Yes offense! Go for it! Puncture those eyes with your claws and make them red and therefore even more evilish!

Bret's into the cover, but his only caveat is that it probably wouldn't do too well in the Bible Belt. Silly girls: you should have worn your turtlenecks. Bret obviously would have preferred that.

Nonetheless, Jes' team wins, which means Jes gets the solo date, which means Lacey's in her usual snit. She goes to meet Bret and they talk about her state of mental health briefly. Lacey says, "I promise I'm not crazy," and then she does this:

Who couldn't trust a face like that?

Lacey continues her unconvincing roll by telling Bret that she deserves the solo date and by telling the camera that she needs alone time. And what of our alone time, Lacey? Maybe you should go away so we can have some, too.

Lacey exits and Jes immediately calls her out for her tattling ways. Then Jes goes in to see Bret, just to give him a little slice of what it's like to be competing with Lacey.

It would seem that she makes little progress, though at least the solo date is still hers. To prepare for it, Bret tells Jes, "Dress warm and sexy...have a layer of sex." It would be so awesome if Jes attended her date covered by a thin layer of lube, all shiny and shocking pink.

Then it's time for Bret's date with Sam and Lacey, which they'll attend via a Bentley. Sam and Lacey play Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who'll sit shotgun, but more importantly, to uphold the level of maturity in the house. It's a success all around, as Sam gets the honor.

Meanwhile, at home, there is scheming.

Somehow, Heather's scheming is a lot more benign than Lacey's. It's probably the exposed nipples. Brandi and Heather decide that they're going to do a make-up photo shoot to show Bret that they can be sexy. Mia will not be involved in the equation. Oh, solo Mia.

At dinner, Bret gets the girls to gossip. You know, all he needs is some needlepoint to make his weekly sewing circle complete. Lacey thinks Jes didn't deserve the title of creative director, while Sam did. What a shocking revelation. When Lacey goes to the bathroom, Sam goes in for the kill, drilling Bret on why he's keeping Lacey around.

Sam presents Bret with more evidence of Lacey's deviousness that's totally obvious. "Can you trust that?" asks Sam? Bret stammers and eventually admits that he can't trust Lacey. "Then what are you doing?" Sam asks. Unsurprisingly, Bret doesn't have an answer.

Their date ends and Jes' begins...on a bike.

That is so rock 'n romantic.

At home, Brandi and Heather prepare for their amateur photo shoot.

Heather's getting closer to that alien-queen hood. Go on girl, reach that potential!

The shoot begins, after the girls pointedly tell Mia that they don't need her help, and really, it is exactly the sort of thing that would go down really well in the Bible Belt.

They are positively Baptist in those shots.

To make sure Bret sees them, Heather tapes them to his door.

She could really just tape them to her chest to achieve the same effect, but whatever.

Meanwhile, Jes and Bret have a romantic encounter on the beach.

"I felt close to you, like I felt warm. It wasn't just sexual, although it was," says Bret of their previous date. Live and direct: expect nothing less from Michaels. Also, they spot dolphins. Somewhere, New York is hiding under her bed, rocking herself into comfort. Bret also tells the camera that his time on the beach with Jes allowed them to suck face.

He wasn't even being figurative.

Back at home, Bret sees the pictures posted on his door. He is delighted.

Mia gets swift to this and approaches Bret, since she offered to take those pictures, but was rebuffed. Maybe if she'd gotten in the buff, she wouldn't have been left out.

Regardless, Bret dismisses her, saying he won't entertain her with alone time, as they're about to eat dinner. Just in case you didn't catch that and are deaf, Bret explains to the camera that they're all going to have some chow:

Spaghetti! Burgers! Desserts!

And so, they dine:

But soon, Lacey starts flapping her lips and Brandi flees. See? Alone time.

Bret rushes to her side and Brandi tells him, "I'm scared I'm actually going to hurt her, and when I attack, I don't know what I do." Please keep Brandi around! Please keep Brandi around!

Then, eliminations:

Heather's hair has resumed its upward mobility. There's the girl we fell in love with!

Bret hands all the passes out and it comes down to Lacey and Mia. "Lacey, I know that you are absolutely crazy, according to what everybody else says," says Bret. As usual, upon hearing the word "crazy" attributed to herself, Lacey starts panting like an excited puppy who's kind of into the fact that her collar's too tight.

Bret calls Lacey up and recounts some conversation they had earlier about "mediocracy." Does he mean "mediocrity," or is he really referring to a conversation in which he and Lacey bemoaned government or rule by a mediocre person or group? And is their hatred of mediocracy just an excuse for their repeatedly outlandish behavior and questionable decisions (assuming that Lacey is "ruling" the girls)? So many questions that we'll perhaps have answers to, because hey guess what? Lacey stays.

Mia leaves, with Bret chalking it up to the fact that she didn't "bring it."

And by "it," he could either mean bats*** insanity, or animal-rights related apparel. Either way, leaving on that note doesn't seem so bad at all.

But since Bret is keeping Lacey around, will he be dealing with a Furious Five come next week?

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Comments

[Michelle]

I love you, and I love your SUCK-FACE!!! Thanks for the chow, btw.
p.s. Does Sam have nipples? I cannot seem to find them, even when they should be in plain view... and yes, I'm looking.

[Gwen]

Adventures in Babysitting, ANTM & New York references in one recap?!?!?! How can these recaps keep getting better each week? Oh right, the show gets more amazing each week! I couldn't believe Brandi M. It was disturbing. Get sexy with your wrenches y'all!

[jenny]

brooks and dumb! i love it. thanks, rich, you're the best commentator on trash. ever.

[Andais]

Oh Rich...too awesome, too awesome! I can't watch this show, it is too painful but your recaps rock! Thanks for making my study breaks fun and entertaining. These girls and Bret are the furthest I can get from my Biochemistry and Math major...and I so need that.

[chell]

lacie needs to go that wench in the devil!! Go Jess suck all the face you can.

[kdub]

"O solo Mia."

HAAAAAAA... good one Rich.

[BJ]

Jes Rocks!! Shes so cool & hot i want to do her. Get your man Girl!

[lori]

I feel that its about time bret m has fun. i am cheatin im on my sons comp. So i was un exotic dancer too, Its a job for me Imretired. So girls can u just make Bret happy?

[lori]

I feel that its about time bret m has fun. i am cheatin im on my sons comp. So i was un exotic dancer too, Its a job for me Imretired. So girls can u just make Bret happy?