If you ever wished for the bustiness of Hooters to come together with the thrills of motocross, have I got the show for you!
Actually, even if you never wished for that, have I got the show for you. See, Rock of Love has this knack for giving you what you never knew you needed. Take it from someone who knows.
We open with Heather explaining the social divide drawn last week: there are the good girls and there are the bad girls.
Guess which side she's on, my "pretty."
At breakfast, Dallas gets more intimate with the spoon than (spoiler alert!) she ever will with Bret...
...while Kristia reveals that inside of her, not even very deep down, is your Aunt Peggy who encourages you to smoke cigarettes with her, gets a little wild whenever anyone busts out the wine coolers, never stopped thinking that Jennifer Beals was anything but the coolest, but is mostly well-intentioned...
Like, whoa, right? It is so crazy that you throw some glasses on and take the makeup off a girl who otherwise looks virtually pubescent, and all of a sudden she's 30 years older. You know how in the '80s on sitcoms all it took for a bespectacled, uptight woman to turn hot was for her to take off her glasses and shake out her hair? This is that in reverse. The cliches were right!
The girls get Bret Mail.
Today's challenge will be motocross
. Some girls hate that idea.
Some do not.
Bret rides up to the girls, who have been shipped to some barren-looking area. With him are two people who are, not unlike Ron Burgundy, kind of a big deal.
To address the girls, Bret starts with, "As you know, I love to rock..." That is, hands down, the best way to start a sentence.
Bret explains that he loves motorcycles and especially motocross, and he needs a girl who's down with that. A ride-or-die type of babe, if you will. The girls will break up into three teams of four and race each other. The winning team gets a date with Bret. Once, just once, I want Rod Roddy's ghost to interrupt this show and inform us that the winners of any given challenge will win. "A WASHER AND DRYER!!!" Or, like carpeting or chewing gum or anything really. A change would be nice. Just sayin'.
Anyway, the girls suit up. Apparently, Magdalena has a big head, and I'm not even talking about downtown.
And then, something weird happens and this time, I am talking about downtown.
Ugh. Why!?! Magdalena, in her OTF, recalls this incident. "And I feel like there's just something comin' down my pants and I'm like, wow. Great." "Wow. Great."? Way to take your now-soiled panties in stride, Magdepends. Seriously, she's virtually unfazed by the urine that's invited itself over and plopped down on her carpet, as it were. Could it be that this is something that happens a lot?
Meanwhile, the prospect of motocross has Rodeo so excited that she has to tell herself to calm down.
Note to Rodeo: when you make a note to self, read it!
She's seriously possessed.
Then, the girls pick teams. Bret chooses Magdalena, Heather and Erin as captains. Nothing too remarkable happens during the gym-class choosing process except that when it's her turn to choose, Heather refers to Lacey as "the girl in the pink."
It's really great that they've been living together for at least a few days and they still don't know each other's names. Tsk, tsk. With all the silicone and blonde hair that's running amok in the Rock of Love house, names are the sole distinguishing factor for about 80 percent of these girls. Some people have birth marks and unique configurations of teeth to set them apart; these girls have names.
Anyway, the teams end up being:
Magdalena, Sam, Brandi M and Rodeo
Heather, Dallas, Lacey and Kristia
Erin, Brandi C, Mia and Jes
The races begin.
Some girls are slow. Some girls are fast. What else is new, you know? Lacey runs into some trouble...
Sucking, is what it's called.
Brandi C informs us that she "looks really good" in her outfit.
As her face is covered, she must be referring to the fact that there are no signs of her disability.
And then, there is Dallas who takes off like the crazy lady she is only to hit a bump seconds after pulling out:
In her OTF, reflecting on this, Heather says, "Holy s***. Is she dead?" Bret says, "I tell ya, I thought she was dead." Gee, that's curious because here was their (gleeful!) initial reaction:
So, in other words: isn't possible death hilarious?
Lacey sure thinks it is...
...just as long as it's people who are almost dying, not animals.
Anyway, it turns out that Dallas is fine:
You know that Lacey felt a slight pang when she was made to realize that Dallas has a tailbone..
In the end, Rodeo ends up taking it for her team:
Yay! Dates for some!
Bret tells the winning team their dates will be broken up thusly: Sam and Magdalena will sample Bret tonight, while Rodeo and Brandi M will go tomorrow. Bret refers to Brandi M, by the way, as "Wild Thing." He said he was going to call her that on the first episode, but for some reason, I didn't believe him. Now I do and, what's more, I see why:
Meanwhile, Rodeo, in a fit of excitement, calls out her name, yee-haws and cracks herself up (of course):
Rodeo, clearly, is her own biggest fan. But to be fair, I'm, like, a close second.
In the car ride home: another animal-rights argument. Ho hum. It all starts because Lacey decides to instigate Dallas:
...to which Dallas replies...
This is actually a wonderful point that Lacey would seem to have no answer for. Dallas concludes that Lacey is a hypocrite.
OK, Jes' awesomeness is reinstated. She couldn't be having more fun if she were at home, watching this from her couch.
The car portion of the argument ends like this:
OK, Sophia Petrillo. If Lacey doesn't watch out, she's going to have a meatball lodged in her throat by the end of the night. That would, actually, be one way to torture her...
Not yet finished with this nonsense, the girls decide to suit up for the next round of bickering:
That make-up better be cruelty-free. To counter, Dallas puts on a melange of real and faux animal hides.
Ooh, fake fur. That's as intimidating as Estelle Getty with a gun.
These girls are, in a word, literal. And also: figurative. Yeah, I don't know. It's weird.
The showdown commences. Unfortunately, it is not a Showcase Showdown.
Dallas walks in strutting in a fashion that is extremely reminiscent of Paris Is Burning. She, like every single person who appears in that film, really, really loves meat.
Anyway, Lacey gets all up in Dallas' face...
Lacey explains to the camera that it's her goal to get Dallas to hit her so that Dallas will be sent home. She taunts Dallas...
The awesomeness of this isn't revealed until we see it slowed down in a flashback. Via that, Lacey's threat of a good time really becomes clear.
Dallas, at one point, calls Lacey a "waste of sperm and egg." You meet people who are a waste of one or the other everyday -- to meet someone who's a waste of both sperm and egg is truly remarkable.
The squabble continues with Lacey touching Dallas and Dallas doing her best not to (her words) f*** that bitch up. At one point, Dallas tosses Lacey against the bar and Lacey, cockroach that she is, gets right back up and keeps bugging. I use the description "cockroach" in a completely compassionate way, of course.
Rodeo, awesomely, becomes so upset that they're doing this on stairs that her inner mom takes over.
"That is enough!" she yells. You know a Southern woman means business when she opts not to use a contraction. "That's" simply would have been too soft.
She also wrestles Lacey to the ground.
'Atta girl, Rodeo. Reduce that drama! A half nelson is, of course, the perfect way to take all the spectacle away from bickering. "I may be a Southern lady, but I manhandled that bitch," says Rodeo, on reflection. Not pictured: Rodeo's spittoon and inevitable crotch grab.
With that settled, it's time for Bret's date with Sam and Magdalena. They'll be watching a film by the pool.
The film is called The Making of Bret Michaels, which involves the same amount of makeup as The Making of Thriller, but only half of the prosthetics.
Magdalena says to Bret in her typically abrupt manner, "I've never been your fan."
Wow. Great. Bret, of course, thinks Magdahater's lack of knowledge about his music (she's from Poland, see) is a turn-on. But then, Bret thinks an off switch is a turn-on.
Meanwhile he bonds seriously with Sam. She's really into music because she has a learning disability which makes her creativity really come out so that music is like therapy to her. Or something.
Inside, Bret makes out with Magdamean.
Bret wants a kiss from Sam, too, but she's apprehensive. Bret seriously says, "Come on. It's like a makeout party." How's that for an invitation? Sam tells us in an OTF that a little kiss is a big deal to her. And then...
Way to hold onto those principles, Sam. Now I feel like I'm the one with the learning disability. Sam adorably says in an OTF, "So, Bret just kissed me and I think I heard angels sing, because I'm a dork."
Who needs a recapper when you have characters who are so self-aware? Sam is seriously adorable. Seriously, how awesome is this girl? She's the type that says things like, "If I wanted to have an orgasm, I can't because everyone's watching me." Aw, performance anxiety. It's just hilarious that she says, "If I wanted to have an orgasm..." instead of, "If I wanted to have sex..." Way to get right to the point, there, Sam.
The word "orgasm" turns Bret on. It could also probably be said that the movie Phantasm turns Bret on. The point is: he likes his -asms. Sam has something of a problem with getting with Bret when all of these other girls are getting with him. His pledge to her is amazing: "I won't kiss or touch any of them...tonight." He says he's kidding because even that would prove impossible. The date soon ends after that. "Date over, I'm horny," says Bret. Date under, Bret's horny. Date with a fox, Bret's horny. Date in a box, Bret's horny. The point is: Bret's horny.
Good thing that his next date is with Brandi M and Rodeo:
Brandi M, who could very well be the best-looking girl in the house, seems to be going for a Kelly Bundy look...that is, if Kelly Bundy were blind. Excessive binding is not your friend (the excessive binding is all, "I'm not here to make friends!!!" because this is, after all, a reality show). Rodeo, meanwhile, looks like she's wearing a grown-up version of the "summer pajamas" my sisters wore as toddlers.
No matter. In the car, the girls inform Bret of yesterday's Furgate tussle. "What's her face? With the red hair?" is how Rodeo refers to Lacey. Why doesn't anyone know Lacey's name? I'm chanting it in my sleep at this point.
Anyway, the first part of the date will be spent courtesy of:
This means the girls will be getting swimsuits. Aw, Bret is so generous...to the horny pubescent boys in the viewing audience.
The only thing that could possibly be hotter than Brandi M's crack and Rodeo's intimidating bod is a hand-drawn depiction of Heather as a sort of stripping, swigging Shiva.
Well, what do you know!
We cut to a brief segment in which the girls at home talk about this "Wall of Shame" they've devised:
They draw pictures of themselves and each other that are as adorably self-aware as they are misspelled.
Cute, right?
Back at dinner with Bret, Rodeo yammers on and on about the peppers of her garden (that's not a euphemism, btw) and cooking with basil. Seriously.
Rodeo continues. "When I was a baby, I had five blood transfusions. And my grandmother's blood is the one that saved my life. I collect swords." Ha! That is absolutely amazing. Way to really make that bloodline story resonate, Rodeo. Rodeo is a phenomenal woman, as Brandi M's recap of their dinner attests.
Brandi M is also kind of awesome. It's always endearing when a girl has the ability to snark on the absurdity of any given situation on Rock of Love. Doesn't happen often, but when it does, it feels really good. It's sort of a turn-on, actually.
Back at home, Bret has another round of one-on-ones.
Kristia has the "teeniest ass" he's ever seen. It's hard to discern whether or not this is a good thing. Knowing Bret: it's a turn-on. And so it stands: it's hard to discern whether or not this is a good thing.
He has an awesome exchange with Sam:
Sam: Look at me when you're talking to me.
Bret: I am. I'm lookin' at your legs and body.
Sam: (Gesturing to face) What about here?
Bret: I looked at that, too.
It's hard to pinpoint exactly what's so special about this exchange, but it could be Bret's way of speaking. His tongue is as ginger as that of a cat carrying a mouse to its owner. What Bret drags in is comedic gold.
There's tongue kissing with Brandi C:
And an attempt to resolve the animal-rights debate.
Dallas, to her credit, doesn't seem interested in dictating proper beliefs. Lacey, to her discredit, does. Bret says that he can't have this meat-vs-no-meat bickering in his house and god, can you blame him? This saga is about as flavorful as uncooked tofu.
And so, lambs are finally brought to the slaughter (no offense, Lacey). But first, let's revel in the gravity- and time-defying masterwork that is Heather's hair:
Futhermore, let's revel in Heather's dress, which is defiant, period.
That's pretty much the only way that you can attract attention back from your hair. Heather is, in a word, balanced.
Here's a shock:
Kristia's eliminated! Really? Over Mia? No offense to Mia, but does the girl even have a larynx?
Brandi takes this hard. Her emotions are so prominently displayed, it's like watching a puppet mourn.
The final two comes down to Dallas and Lacey. One will stay, one will go home. Bret says that of those, one of the girls he bonded with. "And I feel that this person is pretty crazy, but there's something about that that I really liked." But does she make you horny, Bret? He's, of course, talking about Lacey, which means Dallas is going home.
It's too bad that Dallas waited to the end to show her true awesomeness. She stalks off without even giving Bret a hug. Not even a hug! You know she'd rock a Bret-skin coat if given the chance.
Lacey is so happy about Dallas leaving that she turns into Cousin It for a second:
In her exit interview, Dallas says of Lacey: "She can eat my f***in' s***." No she can't -- it's probably not vegetarian.
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Lacey is so irritating. And Bret kind of reminds me of Vince from Project Runway, although he says "It turned me on!" instead of "It got me off!". Either way, it's kinda of creepy, weird, and hilarious
Great recap as always Rich!
Posted by: Tai | July 30, 2007 at 01:20 AM
I love trash, really I do, but what happened on this show really disturbed me.
If you look at the extras, Lacey was sexually harrassing Dallas, and the producers wouldn't stop it! She was touching her body all over, and Dallas clearly stated repeatedly "stop touching me"-that is the definition of sexual harrasment, to me is as bad as violence- and it should have been stopped.
I dont wish anything bad on Vh1 but if I were Dallas I might sue. I would have stormed out without a hug too. I dont think she was mad because she was off the show, I think she was mad that she had been violated and no one but rodeo did a damn thing about it.
Posted by: Diana Crabtree | July 30, 2007 at 02:46 AM
Awesome recap of an awesome show!
Posted by: mla | July 30, 2007 at 04:01 AM
Interesting to note that Rodeo's "inner mom" resembles Greg Kinnear.
Posted by: Messalina 6-5000 | July 30, 2007 at 04:40 AM
will someone please tell me what is an "OTF"?????
Posted by: moss | July 30, 2007 at 10:15 AM
OTF = "On the fly." It refers to any of the interviews the girls do that aren't part of the action. On this show, the ones with the girls take place against a purple background with lighting frame-thingies.
Posted by: Rich | July 30, 2007 at 10:25 AM
I am laughing so hard at "Heather as a sort of stripping, swigging Shiva" that I am crying!!
I have to say that I love these recaps more then the show and that's really saying something.
Posted by: lulu | July 30, 2007 at 11:00 AM
Why all the pearl-clutching from Bret about Dallas not hugging his nasty self? I love Dallas for dispensing with the fakey BS and just doing her thing. If Bret wants to talk about classless he should start with himself and his skeevy come-ons to poor innocent Sam (lady, have you SEEN VH1 recently?) and finish with that Lacey skank who's been physically harassing other girls. What was Dallas supposed to say "Oh thank you Massa for being nice to me. I enjoys Massa's house much".
Recap was awesome as usual. I love me some Brandi M. Pretty much don't care for the rest. I'm waitin for Rodeo to boil Bret's bunny.
Posted by: LaSexorcisto | July 30, 2007 at 12:47 PM
Hootercross?! Oh man, Rich...that is TOO FREAKING GOOD! I am seriously in hysterics.
When it comes to recapping the deliciously tacky sh*t that goes on in shows like this, you, my friend, are the KING. No one does it better.
Love to Winston! =)
Posted by: Jayne | July 30, 2007 at 01:16 PM
I love Rodeo so much - she is totally my favorite. It is weird that she has a hotter body than me though.
Posted by: Toby | July 30, 2007 at 01:36 PM
i thought i misheard or misunderstood the moment where magdalena peed herself. not only cuz she was so whatever about it, but the fact that the editors just sort of buzzed over it. then again, they sure have a lot of gold to sift through.
you calling rodeo out on calling out her own name and yee-hawing made me spit all over my computer.
lacey is the devil. these recaps, however, are just magic. serious.
Posted by: mosquito bitten | July 30, 2007 at 07:32 PM
I think that bret can do so much better than these skanks. I mean did they go to every strip club and hand pick these girls. All they want is his money and to be famous. He will never have a real relationship with any of them.. The show is very funny to watch, and i will keep watching every sunday night.. One thing that i am glad of is that i was very happy when he got rid of Tiffany because if i would have heard "don't threaten me with a good time" one more time i would have screemed!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BRET!!!
Posted by: Michelle | July 30, 2007 at 09:22 PM
i am surprised Dallas lasted this long... I mean really
Posted by: selinas | July 30, 2007 at 09:30 PM
Lacey is a horrifying, evil hag. I did not even hate New York this much! I figured Heather would be the one I'd dislike the most, but she doesn't come close to Lacey on the hate-o-meter!
Posted by: Cheesemeister | July 31, 2007 at 12:07 PM
This show just gets better & better. Everytime Rodeo laughs, a denim jacket gets Bedazzled! She makes me laugh out loud. "My grandmother's blood saved my life. I collect swords." What is that? Brandi M cracked me up. I'm sooo glad Lacey's still around. Your puppet mourning comment on Brandi C was priceless!!! Are you going to interview the castoff's ala Flavor of Love? I'm desperate to learn more about Tiffany!
Posted by: Gwen | July 31, 2007 at 03:32 PM
first i'd like to say that lacey sucks at life and she's ugly and can't sing. second, Rich i'm shocked that u haven't noticed that this house is very, VERY familiar.
Posted by: Niecy | August 01, 2007 at 04:23 PM
I would like to know why Bret or even Dallas did not ask Lacey why she was only picking on Dallas? Lacey was in this house with possibly other meat eaters and all those clothes that Dallas had on were some of the other girl's stuff so why was Dallas the only main target? I hope that gets asked during the reuion.
Posted by: Bior | August 02, 2007 at 08:29 AM
TWO Golden Girl references seamlessly worked into one recap? Rich, you have proved to me that your recaps are infintaly better than the show.
Posted by: Danielle | August 03, 2007 at 11:25 AM
I am so glad Dallas got eliminated b/c she just didtn't fit in there. I knew it was a matter of time before Brett got her out. I just feel she needs to be on Flavor of Love. Dallas let these white gals clown themselves. For once black women sit back and watch the other side show their butts. I kinda like this show. It is a little boring thou. Brett is cool. Rodeo is my favorite too.
Posted by: kaciel | August 04, 2007 at 12:46 AM
Haven't you heard that History repeats itselfed if it isn't learned? You want to find love, well you're going about it the wrong way. These girls are groupies from the 80's surely true love can come from this? If I had to choose from the nut cases that are currently sharing your living space, I would say Sam is the one who's heart is honest. (Plus she doesn't drink). You're kids would be better off with someone sane and sober.
Posted by: Karen | August 05, 2007 at 03:13 PM
i'm just impressed someone knew the word "clavicle," and spelled it right to boot.
Posted by: svrb | August 07, 2007 at 02:24 PM
oh wait, no they didn't...i gave them too much credit. my bad!
Posted by: svrb | August 07, 2007 at 02:31 PM
If you don't choose Jess, I'll take her!!!!
She just looks like some bad a** chick who can party one one hand, but still has enough common sense to say she done and takes care of business. Give her a chance, Bret!!
Posted by: Christa K. | August 10, 2007 at 01:25 PM