Celebrity Fit Club is back! And this time, it's got gender issues!

We open, quite awesomely, on the eight celebs -- Da Brat, Maureen McCormick, Kimberley Locke, Tiffany, Cledus T. Judd, Dustin Diamond, Warren G and Ross the Intern -- walking into what would seem to be a sports arena.

"What the hell?" asks Da Brat, announcing that her defenses are up. She's sassy, that one. Here's more proof:

As the celebs change in the locker room and they get the first clue that they'll be split up by gender, Brat doodles on a poster of Harvey that's hanging up. Everyone takes their turn with it and eventually we have this:

He really does love Ross, though. You can just tell. More on that in a second.

Harvey comes along, banging a garbage can because he isn't menacing enough by himself.

He is not amused by the artistic rendering of him. Oh, get a sense of humor, Jowls. Da Brat virtually immediately starts giving him attitude.

Again, sassy. Da Brat is sort of fearless. She'd make a good Pussycat Doll. She goes back and forth with Harvey about not very much at all in particular. Seriously, the proportion of her resistance to what there is to resist to in the first place is more off-balanced than a scale holding last season's Fit Club celebs on one side, and this season's on another. It's kinda svelte this time around. Just sayin'! Anyway, Da Brat threatens to go, but she doesn't because, duh, she signed up for a reality show. She just likes to live up to her name and, actually, it's kind of cute.

Then, there are events. That's why they're in the arena. They are rather dry, so let's just be results-oriented instead of descriptive, shall we?

Oh, during the quarter-mile, Brat flips off Harvey, with both hands this time.

Let's hope she finds a way to work her expressive fingers into every episodes.

After Fit Camp, we're swept into the weigh-in/group-therapy room that we all know and love. Awww. It feels like home. No, no. Wait. Even better: it feels like returning to the womb. Missed ya, Fit Club!

Ant is back.

So is Dr. Ian...

And, of course, Harvey.

He loves his job.

New to this season is this woman:

Fun fact: Stacy Kaiser is a psychotherapist by day and welder by night. (Doesn't she look like Jennnifer Beals for real, though?)

And then, the celebs take a trip down Weight Struggle Lane. It's a lumbering trip that requires many stops to catch breath, but a trip nonetheless.

First up is Tiffany.

Tiffany is a former teen-pop star who made malls in the '80s that much more notable by touring in them.  She was like an uber-'80s teen. She had struggles -- estrangement from her mother during the peak of her career, as well as alcoholism in her family. She had fame. She had a spread in Playboy in 2002. Now her thighs rub together, and her goal is to shrink them down so that they don't anymore. Noble. Tiffany's immediate weight-loss goal is to lose 4 lbs. by next session. Here are her stats:

Next up is Ross the intern, who holds his hand out has he steps on the scale because he's dainty.

Ross has had a gym membership for three years and has been to the gym about 8 times. Well, it's the thought that counts. Harvey asks him about his work-out regimen and Ross says it begins and ends with checking the mail. Ha! Ross is fun. Talking more about his struggle with his size, Ross squeals, "It hurts to sit! When you reach for the food it hurts, and that's never a good sign." Seriously. Harvey says that Ross is a firecracker. Looks like someone has a mancrush! Ross is to lose 4 lbs. by next time. Here are his stats:

Then, Kimberley's turn. Former American Idol contestant and pop songstress Kimberley is from the South and didn't know that she had a weight problem until she came to Hollywood. Apparently, scales are exclusive to the West Coast. Kimberley loves pizza and fears that she may be addicted to it. Exhibiting her first bit of awesomeness for this episode, Stacy says, "I wanna tell you something really serious. You do have an addiction to pizza." Couldn't be worse than being addicted to reality TV, right? Dustin finds Stacy's statement hilarious and openly mocks it, telling Kimberley to go back to the pizza. Nice guy! Kim's target for next week is 5 lbs.

When asked about his heckling, Dustin says, "I don't believe that pizza can be an addiction, but I also am different than most people because I battle with truth and logic, therefore I can never be wrong." Wow. Really makes you want to rip into a conversation with him, right?

Dustin's getting-to-know-you video is notable for a few reasons. The first is that he talks about his sex tape. Well, more specifically, he talks about not wanting to talk about his sex tape. So does that fall under the truth or logic category?

The second is this:

Which is hotter: Dustin or the ghoul in the background?

Dustin also reveals that, "I wanna be the first person to figure out for the entire world how to eat crap and be healthy."

Logical!

Dustin has already offended everyone on the panel. Dr. Ian challenges the "truth and logic" proclamation. Harvey suggests that Dustin go ahead with his plan and break the mold: try, just try to lose weight without dieting. As Dustin rambles, Stacy in a stroke of supreme awesomeness says tells Dustin to go like this...

...and then go like this...

Ha! That's so much fancier than saying, "SHUT UP!" Stacy is classy. Somewhere in Dustin's time in front of the panel, he makes fun of Kimberley for not winning American Idol. Whatever, dude. You didn't win Saved By the Bell. Did you get to appear in Showgirls after? Nooooooo. Then, you lost.

Dustin is to lose 5 lbs. by next time. Yeah right.

Next up is Maureen McCormick. You may recognize her as Marcia (Marcia! Marcia!) from The Brady Bunch. Maureen, now 50, was rocking a killer bod up until a few years ago, when her mother died and she had to assume the responsibility of taking care of her disabled brother. Ergo:

Sad. But she's here to kick her ass's ass and get over her love of sweets. Maureen's goal for next time is to lose 4 lbs.

And then there is g-funk rapper Warren G. Fatherhood has expanded his gut.

Dude, how 'bout not wearing shirts like that, then?

In his video detailing his weight struggle, Warren G's wife gives her moderately bellied husband the side eye.

She's sick of his flab, and Tennile does not look like someone you want to cross. He's probably on this show just out of fear. More Tennile! More Tennile! Warren's target for next time is 5 lbs.

Then there's Cledus T. Judd, country music parodist (think Weird Al with a twang). At one point, Cledus weighed close to 300 lbs. He also was a methhead. And then he became virtually anorexic, subsisting for months on blueberries and milk. Ah, the Booberry diet. How ghastly. Anyway, Cledus wants to lose his remaining weight in a healthy way because he has a daughter.

With his historied past, zest for life ("I'll be pissed when I die") and human-interest angle, Cledus just might be the most fascinating person in this cast. His goal for next time is 4 lbs.

Finally, there is Da Brat. Her video is amazing, as it features pictures of her brattily mugging for the camera.

Also, we see her talking about her ass (it's big, she says) and eating. "A meal ain't a meal without butter poured on it," she says and then burps. When did she become Homer Simpson? Anyway, she's adorable and, for sure, a woman after our own clogged arteries. She spars with Harvey a bit when in front of the panel, and it's clear that her 'tude at the beginning of the episode was just to assert her dominance over the military man. Yeah, good luck with that one. Still, she gets a few digs in: she tells Harvey he looks fatter on TV than in person and that he's going to wrinkle if he keeps frowning like he does. Kimberley concurs. Harvey gives them a quick smile in response.

Careful, you might pull a muscle, Harv.

Now that we've gotten to know our celebs, it's time for them to hop on the giant scales outside.

Then the scales are calibrated, so that the teams are at equal levels on the scale. This way, the teams' weightloss can be compared visually. But what this really means is if these boys and girls want to play see-saw, it's going to require a lot of effort. Sucks!

Comments

[Ty]

It looks like "Screech" is going to be the main antagonist in this group. If anyone gets annoyed by Dustin's antics, all they have to do is call him "Screech." You saw how that rankled him when Cledus called him that. Every time he tries to rag on Kimberly, she should just say "Yeah, OK, Screech... now, teachus about foreclosures..."

That would be TV gold. And if there could be a Gary Busey/Screech confrontation/intervention, this would instantly become the greatest moment in TV history.

[JUSTIN]

I think warren G is a good competitor and hes gonna look great and da brat shes the reason i watch the show

[hope]

I don't understand Dustin's big problem with Kimberly. It looks like he just verbally attacks her for no reason. And I find it funny that he was trying to make fun of her for "Not winning American Idol" when HE was on that stupid Celebrity Boxing show! Uhm, she got 3rd place behind REUBEN AND CLAY and she had that great song. Dustin's a has been! Who does he think he is trying to make fun of her. I think he's having Saved by the Bell flashbacks or something and thinks he's talking to Lisa/Lark Voorhies or something.

[Miller]

Dustin is SAD! He is so pathetic! Has he done anything since he was younger... NO!!!!! He goes on and thinks he is sooo funny and cool... and it is so pathetic to watch! He has been such a loser his whole life, even his own cast on Saved By the Bell wouldn't hang out with him when they weren't taping! He just wants to act cool now, but instead he just looks like an idiot!

[Cally]

Dustin had things planned out to say before he even got on there, it is so obvious! It was so funny how dumb he sounded. He said he battles truth and logic, therefor he can never be wrong; yet he said he is going to eat junk, which if he was a doctor, he would know that is not healthy. It is not logical at all! The truth he should realize is that people think he is obnoxious and he will always be a dork... screech!

[Quanita]

I think Da Brate and Harvey is sis. and bro.

[Quanita]

Mr.Iran is a fine man.

[Felecia]

I just want to know is Harvey single?

[Rachel]

Dustin Diamond is horrendous. His agenda is obvious and pathetic. Beyond that anyone with half a brain knows he doesn't know his head from his arse. It also kills me about the pizza addiction. If he knew truth so well he would have understood addictive behavior. Oh how I want to give him a piece of my mind.

[stephd1972]

Dustin Diamond is a pain in the @#!. He is a whining little prima dona, who thinks he is better than everyone else. I say let Cletus kick his @!%, Kimberly could probably even do it. He is pathetic and I feel sorry for the other cast members for having to put up with him.

[jaalyn]

Harvey is a little punk who thinks he's so high and mighty pushing around celebrities so desperate for a last grasp at fleeting fame that they'd actually resort to being on HIS show, shoving misinformation down the throats of gullible Americans. Body Mass Index is Bull. I'm 5'8", weigh 200 pounds, and have a body fat percentage rating (the LEGITIMATE way of determining someone's obesity) of 1%. Listen up Harvey. If i ever see you in YOUR little cartoon life on the streets, i will show you just how much an "obese" person can mess you up. And i just threatened you you bloody cartoon. Hah, you work for VH1 and you call Dustin Diamond a CARTOON? Hey Dustin, give me a buzz, you and i can go beat Harvey's gluteus down together.

[Sheldon]

Screech is a douche bag...wish I was a washed up celebrity so i could meet him on the next celebrity boxing...

[brens]

First of all, how can anyone have any respect for Dustin.? He is so beyond making people want to watch the show. I love Celeb Fit Club and I admire these people for coming on and taking responsibility for their health. What the HELL is Dustin doing there? From day one he has had an attitude about losing weight. What producer would even consider putting that pompous jerk on the show? I totally lost all respect for him as a person and a comedian. He talks about his "girlfriend?" Who would put up with him?
Right now there are probably a few guys out there cheering him on...Dustin is only 1 of a hundred a******s out there who think they know everything!!! I say GET HIM OFF THE SHOW!

[Beth]

Dustin should be Blacklisted. Mark-Paul Rocks!

[cutie]

i think dr.ian is so cute

[Ashley]

Could I talk with Mr.Harvey? just to ask a few questions? and I would love a picture of him as well