Does this mean the plant has to go, too?
The episode starts before everyone's ready. Especially Andrea.
This brief glimpse of skin actually sets the tone for the episode, which is full of double entendres and general smuttiness by Ron Jeremy. Funnily enough, Andrea is the one who takes the most issue with this, as we're about to see. Girl, if you only knew what you kicked off.
But first: a different kind of nastiness via Ron. Robin, via tele-message, tells the A-list to prepare to depart to an undisclosed location. Seemingly out of nowhere, Ron says that everyone should say their goodbyes to CC now. The only thing worse than a jerk is a prescient jerk. Damn him for being right. Pepa is appalled by his comment.
Just wait till he starts talking about sex, Pep. You'll rue the day you ever opened up discourse about it in pop music.
The A-listers find out that they'll be treated to a day of pampering at a spa. They soon discover that they'll be treated to sexual comments by Ron all day, as well. "Treated."
Upon entering the spa, Ron says to no one in particular to not ask about a "happy ending." "It's not polite," he reasons. When Ron Jeremy teaches etiquette, you best listen. He then basically repeats this joke to CC when he sits down and says, "Now CC, there are four words you just do not say at a spa. You do not say 'full release' or 'happy ending.'” Who's obsessed with saying what now?
And see, that quote from Andrea is sort of unfair because as annoying as it is to be around someone so smuttily punny, he's Ron Jeremy. He's carved out a name for himself by being really nasty. Expecting different would be like expecting a hedgehog not to burrow.
"A thousand facials I've given out?" Check out the structure on that! Nice one, King Leer.
Back at home the B-list is treated to a different kind of massage. Way different:
It's "aural" massage, which involves the playing of many vibrating tones and, frankly, doesn't seem relaxing at all. Thank god Ron didn't get this, though -- can you imagine the deluge of "aural"/"oral" puns (as in, "I'll give you an oral massage!").
When the A-listers return home and everyone's back together, they find out that "your favorite reality whore," Adrianne Curry, will be dropping by for sushi. So that's her title these days? It's more useful than America's Next Top Model, in any event. Anyway, this should remind you of a little incident that occurred during the fourth season of The Surreal Life:
Remember how Verne grabbed a piece of sushi and scraped her breast with his finger, in the process? Tasty...er, nasty!
Adrianne arrives with hubby Christopher Knight in tow. Chyna and Adrianne embrace and it's kind of magical.
Even more magical is the his 'n hers naked sushi that the Lifers are to gorge themselves on.
In this case it's not Ron, but Traci, who proves to be the biggest perv at the table.
She totally checked out his stuff...with her chopsticks. It's really amazing what women can get away with.
Contrast that with Andrea's reaction to Ron's "standard joke": "I have a tattoo on my penis, of a bigger penis."
She's either really offended or trying to sort it all out. And sometimes, those two things are one in the same.
After dinner, Traci and Chyna apparently are feeling extremely frisky and so they indulge in something they call "rubber-chicken shots." They are exactly what they sound like.
Sometimes it's not what you drink, it's how you drink it. And if you do that sloppily, all the better for the cameras. Traci and Chyna get really into this, acting out little skits as they get more and more tipsy. The best one is an exchange that goes like this:
Traci: I just got dumped by my boyfriend and I’m really depressed…
Chyna: Rubber-chicken shot?
Traci: Yeah, rubber-chicken shot.
Rubber-chicken shots are like chicken soup for the jilted soul. Or something.
It's also notable that the shots leave Chyna completely soaked:
And that, at one point, there is cheese involved:
After all, what is a party without cheese? These girls really know how to have fun and they're really good at showing it.
The next day, the Lifers are shuttled to a mysterious location. It turns out to be the V Theater, where the A- and B-lists will each perform a seven-minute variety show. The team to receive the most applause at the end wins. Overseeing this will be this heavyweight...
After some practice and bickering (Rob wants to call the A-list team's show Cold Beer and Dirty Girls, but Pepa's not into that idea because she's not into either cold beer and dirty girls; or maybe she's just a cold girl), the teams ramp up their shows. It would seem that this is the moment Ron's been waiting for all episode as he gets to be smuttily punny in front of a huge group of people.
Hot right? Ron tells jokes like: "I used to have a job circumcising elephants. No pay, but the tips were great." OK, that's so lame it's hilarious. No one else thinks so. Andrea puts it better than anyone else could ever hope to when she says that "Ron choked on his own wiener." Most guys would kill to be so lucky, but this actually just means the Ron bombs big time. No one finds his brand of sleazy humor endearing. The act also includes a fall from CC who does this weird dance with a row of dummies attached to his shoulder like some synthetic Rockettes lineup:
But then Rob takes the stage and raps and tears down the house. Yo, did you ever think you'd see a day when Vanilla Ice would be considered an overachiever?
The B-listers' show goes much better. They call it, The Spectacular Bomb-Diggity. It's done magic-show style.
Highlights include Traci's thong...
...and Chyna Doll in a lizard's skin.
Oh, there's a "fake orgasm" contest featuring audience members and then Verne does his own impression, which involves a quick grunt, snoring and then asking his partner (Traci in this case) to make him a sandwich. At least he's honest!
In the end, the B-list reigns supreme. Finally. And whatever, their show really was better. Or maybe it was destiny -- Traci points out that, "'B' is for best. Best team." Keep telling yourself that, sweetie. Rob takes issue with the fact that the B-list had access to additional dancer-models for their show. But really, all they did was stand around and look pretty. They were just sort of Traci, multiplied.
Because they lost, the A-listers must send three people to Back to Reality. CC volunteers and so does Ron, which really, is only fair (Andrea characterizes this as the only unselfish thing he's done the whole time). Then Andrea, Rob and Pepa draw cards to see who the third person will be. Pepa draws the lowest so she goes. This week's Back to Reality contest is...
For each set of four like cards each member collects, a point is given. The game is over when someone runs out of cards. What then ensues is the most tense game of Go-Fish in the history of opposable thumbs. In the end, CC is left with his pole bending in the wind...
Sad, but really, it was the luck of the draw. Andrea is nonetheless upset that it wasn't Ron who lost. God, she really hates him. Has she been studying the work of Andrea Dworkin? Anyway, CC bids a pretty moving goodbye...
And he gets one last ass-grab in on Traci. At least he's not going home empty-handed!
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