In this episode New York climaxes.

No, really.

Kicking off the episode is the image of 12 Pack waking up Mr. Boston.  12 Pack  explains his impetus: "Boston's been taking it up the ass since he got here." And what better time to take it up the ass than in the morning, right? Kidding, kidding. He means "taking it up the ass" figuratively, and he's resolved to toughen Boston up so that he can face the harsh reality of this reality show.

Boston does a number of exercises while wearing a shirt that reads "Big Papi's My Daddy."

Is 12 Pack's nickname Big Papi?

There's no time for answers, as the boys then get word from New York that they should meet her on the court. They all receive basketball jerseys Gee, where could this be headed? Chance complains that all the jerseys are the same color, which means that Boston will be on his team. Pssst: Chance hates Boston. Try to keep that to yourself, though, because it's kind of a huge secret.

The men are carted to Venice Beach where they meet the object of their desire.

In an interview, New York explains that she loves athletic men, hence the challenge. She says she looks forward to seeing them sweat and get all moist and "dewy." Dewy? Why didn't she just skip the court and take them to Macy's Lancôme counter?

New York tells the boys that she'll have some assistance in this endeavor, because you know her ass is not about to force itself into coordination for the sake of a challenge. Instead, getting all moist and dewy with the boys will be:

The challenge will go like this: Tamara will play one-on-one games with the boys. If the boy scores first, he advances to the next round. If she does, they're banished to the losers' bench. Chance thinks he has this in the bag, as he explains in an interview that "that's all you do in the hood is ball." He adds a little hand motion in for emphasis...

...but it's ultimately just confusing. Does he mean "ball" or "dance like a 'Thriller' zombie?"

Probably the latter, actually, because he sucks and so does everyone else. Not even New York's rooting for Chance in her "heart of hearts" could make things work out for him. Things go even worse for Tango, who hurts his shoulder. It would seem to be serious as he tells the camera, "I don't want to leave this competition, but in reality, it's a strong possibility." Reality shows are much like sports in that a simple injury can destroy a career. Except, in the case of reality shows, it's mostly groin pulls that get you.

In the end, only Whiteboy and Rico advance to the second round.

They must play a game of one-on-one themselves now and Whiteboy kicks Rico's ass with passion.

This means that Whiteboy gets that big ball trophy sitting next to New York, as well as a date for the night. Back at the house, 12 Pack and Real scheme.

This will prove important later. It may or may not involve that watermelon.

Before New York can go on her date with Whiteboy, Tango knocks on her door to tell her that he thinks it would be a good idea to go to the hospital because of that shoulder injury. New York's response is fairly puzzling: she sucks her cheeks hard enough to make herself the spitting image of Dionne Warwick.

Whatever that means!

Anyway, Tango leaves, New York dresses and, as she walks down the stairs, it would seem that the dress she decided to don has appendages.

Or maybe it's just a scarf.

When they sit down at the restaurant, Whiteboy says he feels like he's known New York for a while. New York says their auras have begun to mesh. A little tip: if you want your aura to mesh with someone else's, it helps to pull your eyes back far enough to make yourself look like Jody Watley.

Real love, she's gonna try and get some. New York says Whiteboy gives her butterflies, "like the first day of school, and s*** like that." Watch out for the head lice!

During dinner, Whiteboy does lots of suggestive and sloppy things with his fingers and tongue. This is either repugnant or incredibly hot, depending on your feelings about Whiteboy.

He offers her some...something to suck off his finger...

...only to fake her out and almost slip her his tongue.

He's seriously a freak in heat. Tempering things temporarily is a gift from New York: a Giantto watch.

She didn't exactly Audemars Piguet him, but it's a nice upgrade. This, of course, only elicits more affection.

Whiteboy goes at New York like this mouth (and only his mouth) has CP. She does not like this, as she explains, "He gnashes at me, he gnaws at my bottom lip," she says. Aw, NY, it's just cuz he likes you and wants to get to know your vagina! The best thing about this is that she qualifies her complaint with, "He turns me on a whole bunch." Awww! What a lovely sentiment, and just in time for Valentine's Day, too! Print this out and give it to someone whose genitalia you'd like to get to know better:

Anyway, when New York and Whiteboy return, 12 Pack and Real are waiting by the door, dressed in tuxes that they undoubtedly packed with them before coming to the ILNY mansion.

They tell New York to put on a bathing suit. You don't have to tell her twice to strip down!

She enters her bathroom to find rose petals and bubblebath. Oooh, fancy. A long walk on the beach would complete the tour of Clichesville. Instead of that, we get cartoons that are, as 12 Pack puts it: "self portraits that we made ourselves."

His face is yellow from jaundice, of course.

Real apparently sees himself as a broom.

Upon settling her barely covered butt down on the chair set up, New York declares, "I would love for you guys to, just, feel me up." That goes without saying, though, no? 12 Pack gestures to his temple and says to her, "I'm trying to impress you with this," and then he gestures to his body and finishes, "...not this."

What, does he have a manly scar on his forehead or something?

Then Real and 12 Pack rub all up on her and it's decidedly sexual.

We learn the following:

• New York's stomach is an erogenous zone.

• Mere rubbing causes her to "climax."

• And Real can do nails better than any Vietnamese woman that New York's ever been to. But how is Real's spring roll? Wait, don't answer that. Real already has.

Also notable is that at one point during this, New York says, "You guys are taking me to Ecstasy Land right now." Is that like Candyland but with lubes and sex toys instead of sweets? Gramma Nutt could travel back and forth between the two, no problem.

Tango interrupts this steamy scene to show everyone that he's back from the hospital.

He's wearing a sling. Thanks for letting us know you've got a bum wing, Debbie Downer!

Mr. Boston is the next to interrupt.

He lets the water out accidentally on purpose while proposing a midnight snack for New York. She's all about it.

Then, in comes Rico with some busted-ass fruit.

Yeah, the fruitside is already going on, as it always is when 12 Pack's around. Also, what the hell is a fruitside? New York mocks Rico's effort: "The fruit was disgusting, and I think even gnats got to it." So begins the episode's bizarre insect leitmotif.

Then New York has her midnight snack with Boston. She gushes over this because he's included ranch dressing in it. "I love ranch dressing! It's white, it's creamy, it tastes great..." Yeah, that whole insect thing doesn't really hold a candle to this in the realm of the bizarre, now does it?

New York looks into Mr. Boston's eyes and says, "I like ranch dressing but..."

Wow. She likes him even more than a condiment! A condiment! The true test will be whether or not New York likes Mr. Boston more than a sauce.

And then the second bug incident of the episode occurs. New York sees "something moving" in her room and freaks out. Chance jumps at the opportunity to save her. He quickly finds what he describes as a 12-inch bug. Here it is:

Yo, if Chance thinks that's 12 inches, imagine all the people he's misled and ultimately disappointed.

Put the penis down, Chance.

The next day, Sister Patterson joins New York and the boys for lunch. Mr. Boston stupidly brings up the midnight snacks he's been whipping up for New York and Sister Patterson gets so angry, ranch dressing spills from her ears. "Don't fix her any more food at midnight," she says. "She'll get fat."

She's a nurturer, that one. Lunch is cut short by, you guessed it, bugs! Bees this time. After one "stings" New York, the party is moved inside, where an argument breaks out between Tango and Whiteboy. It's not really about anything; it's a back-and-forth that amounts to a competition over the size of their praying mantises. New York, for some reason, can't handle the arguing (you'd think that she'd enjoy it, considering). Sister Patterson, however, grins with satisfaction. She only changes her expression when Tango threatens to beat Whiteboy up. "There's not gonna be any physically [sic] fightin' up in here, 'cause I'll take all y'all down." Yep, she'll take ya down: she can commit crimes against grammar with the best of them. She continues her rant and eventually gets to, "'Cause it ain't all about no 'Kumbaya, Kumbaya,' up in here." What she lacks in sense, she makes up for in rhythm.

Then Tango leaves for fresh air or something and finds New York looking down at him from her balcony. It's a melodramatic scene, in which he reveals that he's really fallen for her. She cries. 

She compares the whole ordeal to Romeo and Juliet so that you don't have to. There's the suggestion that Tango is maybe feeling New York too much (this from a woman who, again, can climax from rubbing!), but that doesn't really materialize as when all is said and done, it's Rico who gets the boot, during an elimination session that features yet more nose-picking from Mr. Boston.

New York tearfully explains that Rico's "a young boy and he wasn't stepping it up enough, so he had to go." Rico disagrees.

Awww! Sad puppy dog! 

Comments

[crystal]

I think that Boston is the coolest!! He's so sweet and nice and he looks like he knows how to kiss hehe

[crystal]

I think that Boston is the coolest!! He's so sweet and nice and he looks like he knows how to kiss hehe

[Jean]

"Yo, if Chance thinks that's 12 inches, imagine all the people he's misled and ultimately disappointed"

Hilarious and insightful as always Rich!

[ROXANNE]

SANDRO I LOVE U, I COULD APPRECIATE U SHE JUST DOESNT KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS, UR PERFECT!!!!

[ROXANNE]

MIRA SANDRO SI QUIERES ESTAR CON UNA MUJER DE VERDAD, ESCRIBE ME A MI MYSPACE, [email protected] BYE

[zachretox]

Rich.... please create a gif with Mr. Boston gnashing his teeth like a ferret.... ploz!!!!

[mo]

Sandro, you seemed like such a sweet guy with a romantic freaky side that new york missed the opritunnity to get to know but it was probly for the best for you anyway. i hope you are lucky in everything you do.

[Joy Road Girl]

THAT SHOW WAS SO FUNNY IT KEEP U WONDERING WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.

[Lashwn]

PICK CHANCES

[Lashwn]

PICK CHANCES

[erica]

i think that chance is sexy

[jay scott]

I think boston is a bitch

[~BabyGurl~]

Mane Mr. Boston is whack. he's always picking his nose don't nobody want his (white ass).Real u got some beautiful hair and Tango is a fake. Chance is one of da realest niggas up in there. Whiteboy needs to learn how to kiss and 12 pack got a nice body..

~BABYGURL~
DA REALEST

[yvonne]

I think chance is cute as well as mr. boston, I hope she pick them as her last two. boston has the brains and well chance he has that thug passion

[ROBYN]

I THINK AT THE END OF YOUR SHOW U SHOULD HAVE CHANCE AND REAL AT THE LADT TWO! (PS) U DONT WANT A FIGHT!LOL

[nora foster]

I like Chance, he is cool, but Tango is fine.

[Stinky Dung]

Hey, they didn't show the fight! I LOVE 12 PACK!

[amis32]

hey just wanted to say to pick 12 pack cause he has a hell of a body......ill be watching next show.........ttyl.............jamie

[amis32]

hey just wanted to say to pick 12 pack cause he has a hell of a body......ill be watching next show.........ttyl.............jamie

[amis32]

hey i just wanna say chance is a lier and i think that mr bosten is just wow and thats not a good wow.....12 is the man........ttyl......jamie

[Traye]

Awwwww Rico - I was on you from day one of the show even though I do not fair well with reality shows this one was worth to watch with "Eye Candy" like yourself.

[kk]

Quite possibly your best review yet, Rich. I love it.

[Ashley]

Rico was the hottest guy in the house and she was a fool to let him go!

[Royal T]

MANN... I LOVE this show. But anywayz, y'all need to check out my blog!

www.theprettyprince.blogspot.com

[tina]

yo i look new york but she doesn ot like any of those guys. she just being a player n is just having fun. she really wants favor fav ooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk