Do not read this post if you hate nearly nude men.
Before we get to anything, a question: Which is hotter?
Morning scrawn or...
No, no -- don't answer, because no matter what your preference is, it's about to get a lot hotter in the I Love New York universe. At the top of the episode, our commander-in-grief (New York, duh!) announces that the men will compete in a beauty pageant and they'll be helped by these three:
Primping ensues. Remember when Sister Patterson detected a touch of gay in some of the contestants during last week's episode? Yeah, well this is like a cold cock of the stuff.
...and lip stain.
The line between mangeant and drag show is practically nonexistent. Go figure.
Oh, and also, Mr. Boston can't fit into the first thong he tries on because, "someone with a huge d*** must have worn it before and totally stretched it out." Just in case you were wondering about what Mr. Boston isn't packing.
Oh, also there's this, which isn't exactly gay...it's sort of enough to rob you of sexuality from here to eternity.
Think of that when you're getting busy later...if you dare.
Anyway, the mangeant starts with a round dubbed "Bathing Suit & Boogie." During it, the men wear zoot suits and read Proust aloud. Just kidding. Someone misplaced the Proust, so they strip and dance instead.
New York's eyes bug out so as to be closer to Onix, despite the fact that he's doing the robot. Malfunction! Malfunction! Lameness overload!
New York criticizes Trendz's skin tone, which would be kind of messed up if it weren't for the fact that the way she does this is by comparing him to a Twizzler, which is kind of brilliant.
Is 12 Pack light in the loafers? Perhaps. Light in the briefs? Most certainly.
It's important to note that Romance does a dance that simulates the riding of some animal.
That imaginary animal is most likely a teacup yorkie.
Sister Patterson calls out Pootie for his "big" and "floppy" butt.
That's a bad thing? Wait, what?
Token refuses to take his shirt off, despite what appears to be a perfectly slender physique. This move costs him a spot in the final 5, but really, the loss is ours.
T-Weed totally gets Sister Patterson's motor going...
...until she focuses on his crotch.
Sister P complains of his "green, mossy area" around his thighs. Um, yeah, whatever, size queen.
In a post-mangeant interview, Bonez says of his wet-and-wild show, "Sexiness comes with personality, creativity, and throwing water on yourself." Well, that philosophy certainly helped Jennifer Beals get to where she is today! Just think, one day Bonez, too, may play a lesbian on a buzzed-about cable hit.
Whiteboy does that lift-your-leg-and-rotate thing (imagine a peeing dog imitating a sprinkler).
And then there is Mr. Boston.
New York sums this one up nicely: "He was flat-assed." Because of this, she admires his courage to put himself out there (well, as much as could be put out, with that flat ass and all). In other words, Mr. Boston has big balls and that's to say nothing of his testicles.
In the end, five men are chosen to advance to the question and answer period:
That's Whiteboy, Onix, Romance, 12 Pack and Real.
Real gets the first question. Sister Patterson asks him how he feels about premarital sex and he says that God says it's wrong, so it's wrong. Hey Real, what's God's stance on reality-TV participation? This, of course, impresses Sister P, but not New York...
...this woman looks like she could redefine the very concept of a "New York minute." Do you really think she's going to wait for marriage?
Whiteboy is asked which celeb's life he'd like to have, and he says Michael Jordan's. This is impressive to New York, because MJ is black. Seriously! Onix screws up when he answers Chamo's question, "If I were a racecar, how would you drive me?" Onix says all kinds of euphemistically sexual stuff (he'd drive Chamo long and hard and blahblahblah).
New York takes issue with this, saying she wanted Onix to say that he wouldn't touch Chamo. New York seems less disappointed in Onix's now apparently questionable sexuality and more disappointed in his now apparently questionable taste.
Romance reveals that his biggest disappointment is his mom's tough life. New York is sick of Romance's sob stories. Girlfriend just wants to have fun!
12 Pack says his biggest inspiration is his dad. What'd you expect, Kevyn Aucoin?
Seriously, 12 Pack's make-up scheme is a smear of rouge away from whore.
In the end, Whiteboy wins for aspiring to be a black man (12 Pack and Onix are the first and second runners up, respectively).
Which works out, since that crown is clearly borrowed from Flav.
Then we see Trendz showing people his demo.
OMG! Please, please say that it contains a song that goes, "Think of all the lives you save, just think of all the lives you sa-a-a-a-ve. There's a reason she passed..." Krazy lives! Anyway, remember this as it will become a key plot point. Opportunism in the ILNY universe: imagine that!
Then New York introduces everyone to her dog, Your Majesty, which is an awesome, awesome name for an animal.
Guess who falls in love?
Romance is so at one with the fauna (and probably, flora) that he's practically Nell. A bit less articulate, though. He loves Your Majesty so hard that he prompts the always quotable Chance to heckle him with, "Hey, man! Stop rapin' that hound!" Beastiality! That's something we haven't seen on Celebreality yet.
Rico feels slighted after his poor showing in the mangeant, so he wants to hop in the hot tub with New York. She's so cool with the idea, she takes him up to her room so he can watch her change.
Her sexual freedom is seriously inspiring.
So, they tub...
...but their rendezvous is cut short by Pootie, who comes to inform New York of Trendz's demo. All you want is a little action and every time there's an opportunist! Poor Rico. Pootie should have been called Beaver, because he will destroy your wood. Trendz is called over and New York gives him a stern talking to about his reasons for being there.
After the tub, New York addresses the group because she's "gotta keep it real. I'm keepin' it funky right now." Too bad we can't smell what she's offering. Odorama is yet another motif as yet untapped by Celebreality. If only it'd been in use when Somethin' made herself a household name on Flavor of Love 2. Anyway, New York basically warns the men that they'd better be there for her and not to further their careers (God knows, we wouldn't want one of them to get a spin-off...or, actually, does God know that? Huh, Real?). New York cries to hit her point home. Here she is emphasizing the contestants' opportunity to be there for a basket case. So appealing!
She mentions Flav passing her up twice, again. But the best thing in her entire Pettysberg Address is when Pootie comes over to take her still-lit cigarette away from her. Why did he do that? For camera time? It's absurd. Besides, she needs it now more than ever (for emphasis, naturally).
The next day Chamo brings the boys a message from New York. Chamo is dressed like a T.G.I. Fridays waiter.
The "G" is for "gay."
The message informs the three highest-placing mangeant contestants -- Whiteboy, 12 Pack and Onix -- that they'll spend the day with New York. If they're lucky, they'll get to not just hold her cigarettes, but light them as well.
Before they can all go on their orgiastic outing, Romance pulls New York aside to tell her that 12 Pack told him that he as a girlfriend. That sentence should reflect the twisty-turny-seventh-gradedness of the situation. Seriously -- did you think maybe I Love New York wouldn't fly because guys won't go to the extremes of pettiness and ridiculousness as the girls of Flavor of Love did? If so, have you ever felt so wrong in your life? Anyway, New York says she'll check Romance's news out. It's important to note that New York is not wearing make-up during this exchange and that, as usual, New York sans makeup is about 666 times cuter than New York in full face.
Oh, also Romance makes some weird reference to crying with New York the night before, when she brought Your Majesty out to meet everyone. He is incorrect, but New York just plays dumb. "I was so wasted last night," is her brilliant excuse. It's a perennial favorite.
Then, the date, which is at some amusement park/pier thing.
New York takes Whiteboy on a ferris wheel -- since he won the mangeant, he gets one-on-one time.
New York shovels food into her mouth, which is sort of a test to see if Whiteboy can put up with a woman who eats. He can. "Celery, yeah. Very good for you," he tells New York at one point. Encouraging and nutritionally knowledgeable? Swoon!
Then New York confronts 12 Pack on Romance's allegation that he has a girlfriend.
Uh, doesn't this count as one-on-one time, too? Talk about rewarding bad behavior! Anyway, 12 Pack denies everything. He's a free man for New York, he claims.
Back at home, the dispute continues.
Nothing is resolved. Are you shocked? Oh, but awesomely, after going back and forth, and threatening to hurt each other, Romance kind of punks out and offers to shake 12 Pack's hand.
12 Pack spits at him, thus proving his level of class is just perfect for the mansion. Guess who isn't going home this week.
Before elimination, New York meets with just a few more guys to make sure she's sending the right ones home. One of these guys is the rarely seen eye candy that is Token.
New York asks Token if he's attracted to her, and he says that he's attracted to everyone. Hallelujah!
In the end, Token's seeming omnisexuality is not enough to keep him in. He's one of the three to get tossed this week...
Token didn't want New York enough, Trendz was just there to further his career and Romance is deemed too crazy. Crazy in love! On the way out, she tells Romance that he needs Prozac. Nice, now she's a drug expert. Makes sense. But best of all, she sends the boys on their way with a grand gesture:
Some have a native tongue -- New York has a native butt. Seriously, she's a master of booty language.
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