This week on Rock of Love...

...hey, wait. This show isn't Rock of Love! WTF?

First of all, how awesome is it that the opening animations keep changing every week?

This is a brilliant representation of attraction's inherent narcissism. Of course, this ground was already covered in the first episode of Rock of Love, but that's OK. Scott Baio Is 45...and Single, is clearly just catching up. Better late than neutered.

This, too, is amazing. Apparently, Denise Richards' feet freaked Scott out. He thought they were like flippers. Maybe she was into wearing pantyhose with open-toed shoes. You know, to give the illusion of webbed feet.

No matter. What seems like a non sequitur actually provides the basis of the episode: Scott's scrutiny. We open with Doc Ali asking Scott what his type is.

Hmmmm. Let's see. Pam Anderson. Julie. Renee. Heather Locklear. All of these girls have big...hearts. Yeah, that's it. Oh and they also just happen to be blonde. That's clearly what Doc Ali wants Scott to admit, but for some reason, he has a hard time doing so. Weird. Anyway, it'd be hard to argue with the fact that Scott has been with women that people would, by and large, consider hot. "Gotta walk in the room with the hottest chick, otherwise, what's the point of walking in the room?" says Scott. But then, what's the point of walking when you can be carried in like an Egyptian king? Hopefully, we'll get to the bottom of that quandary next episode. Anyway, with some more prodding, Scott breaks down his "type" to Doc Ali: blonde, no bigger than 5'6, good body, nice rear end, imperfect teeth, sense of humor, nice rack, maternal. But just because he wants a mommy, it doesn't mean he wants a wife. He explains his feelings on marriage like this: "If I don't ever get married, I'll never die." On the contrary, Doc Ali feels that doing the same thing, year after year, is death. No it's not. It's a life of little deaths. And that's not such a bad life, after all.

Anyway, the point of this conversation is to find out what is "perfect" to Scott. Doc Ali wants Scott to go to a matchmaker to be introduced to a woman against whom he can compare Renee. Keeping in mind Scott's temporary monk status (he's celibate, see), this will also present the opportunity to see if Scott can sustain a relationship with a woman he's not having sex with. Scott's reaction?

Scott has, apparently, accepted a new job as the face of blue balls.

Anyway, Scott meets his matchmakers.

Their names are Eva and Cheri. Cheri introduces herself second as, "her other half." At first it's like, oh awesome! Lesbian matchmakers. But then we find out that Cheri is actually Eva's daughter. So that's how things are in that family?

They talk with Scott about finding his perfect match. They're not interested in "patterns" of physical attraction, but the internal qualities that Scott gravitates toward. These include warmth, understanding, sweetness and kindness. What, no malice and spite? Get out! Scott gets in some words about his physical preferences, too, and in the process, draws the unlikely but dead-on connection between the Creature from the Black Lagoon and a mammogram.

Imagine that in 3-D. It's enough to make your nipples stand on end.

Scott then meets up with ex-girlfriend and fellow Charles in Charge star Nicole Eggert.

It's amazing what a frozen frame can do to create the illusion of the perfect family, right? 

Anyway, from their conversation, we learn that Scott's a "next best thing" guy, which, apparently, is typical of Hollywood types. The preservation of the casting couch depends on that.

Later, Scott hangs with his brahs.

Ding dong! Pizza!

What seems like a porno scenario in reverse (it's usually the pizza guy who boinks the babe, right?), is actually...

...exactly that! It's unclear if she's a hired stripper or if her uniform is just really scratchy.

Scott takes her into the back and we're treated to a stop-filming-me moment.

Love that.

Now, usually when you catch a dude paying a woman in a hallway, it's for services rendered. In this case, it's so those services are never offered. The temptation is running way too thick for Scott, so King Blue Balls casts porno pizza girl out of his kingdom. Upon receiving Scott's $200 offering, pizza girl says, quite awesomely, "You didn't even see my pasties!" Kinda breaks your heart, no?

And then, it's time for his match-made date. He brings Johnny V along just in case his blind date looks like Rosie O'Donnell. He should probably be more concerned about whether his date likes like Rosie O'Donnell. Girls who like girls are no use for such a ladies' man, however ironic that sounds.

But she doesn't look like Rosie, and so Johnny is sent away. She's actually cute.

Or so it would seem for, like, three seconds before Scott starts taking her down. Her teeth are too perfect and she has the hands of an ape. Supposedly. Oh well, if you can't marry her, at least you can use her for an exotic ashtray. Anyway, Scott realizes that this sort of scrutiny that he does is exactly his problem and that when it comes to someone like Renee, he actually enjoys flaws. He leaves this girl, now the second blonde in a row that he didn't bang.

At the end, Scott receives a message from Renee: her daughter's coming to town and she'd like for him to see her.

Let's see if Scott can do 0-3. We're pulling for him...but not like that.

Comments

[susan]

Scott Baio is 45..single and GAY!
There is no perfect woman for him because
he is really a woman hater and needs to
see what he really is...man seeking man.

I think he is disgusting.

X-Fan,

Susan

[Betty Collins]

Scott Baio's problem is that he is an extremely spoiled bratt that has had everything handed to him in his life and doesn't know how to appreciate life as reality.

X-fan as well!
Betty

[Sharon]

I don't think he is gay,because he likes to sleep with women. However, out of bed he does seem to prefer the company of men. I think he probably has a very controlling Mother and likes to demean women as a way of getting back control.

[michelle]

Not going to pretend to figure someone out from a TV show, but I always did wonder why he never settled down. Quit looking for perfection Scott, look for reality, look for someone who is real and you will be happy.

[Diane]

Scott,
I'm sorry that on a subconcious level you have such a poor view of yourself. I can see from here that you don't love yourself or realize your special gifts. I feel mortified that you allow those 'friends' to sponge from you. My wish for you, is that someday you can see yourself as others do.
I know we're only seeing on TV what happened months ago, so I hope all is changed for the better and that you're happily married. If not, I suggest you leave your current enviorment for a new one. If you know a happily married (younger) couple NOT in CA, go stay with them for a while. Understand what love is, what loving yourself is, and why people are making such a big deal out of it. Get a new perspective, and come away knowing, loving, appreciating, and respecting yourself. THEN, will you be ready for something more fulfilling, and not miss out on what life is truly about. It's not too late for you. The good news is, that you're in search of it. If you thought your life was fulfiling enough the way it was, you wouldn't be trying to make changes. Good for you! Remember this, you are the AVERAGE, of the 5 people you hang out with most. Tally that up and see where you stand.
I have been married for 2 1/2 years to the love of my life and we're getting ready to start a family. Life only BEGAN for us at marriage, it wasn't death! You don't stop having sex because you're married. Life is truly what you CHOSE to make it. Dream big and then learn how to accomplish your dreams. Give yourself some credit, it's not easy growing up under everyone's watchful eye, of course, you're going to come away from that with some battle scars. So what? Now you're trying to correct it and that is wonderful. It hurt my heart to see another individual not experiencing what life is about, so I'll pray that you figure it out. Johnny V needs prayers too. Give him a hug as well.

[jermaira smith]

shop worlwide cyber mall called the computer power mall

[Cindy]

All I had to watch was the pilot episode of this show to be embarrassed I'd ever liked Scott Baio when I was a pre-teen. He comes across as a chauvenistic, self-centered, know-it-all d*ck. At least I can say I hadn't thought of him since I was 13 until I saw this show advertised. I won't be watching any more of it. He's a waste of oxygen in my opinion and I don't say that lightly.

[Melissa]

Scott,
Your just a single guy wanting to stay single, that's how I see it. You like the feeling of not being tied down and doing what you want, that's fine. Hanging out with the guys, who are stiull single too. I don't see you getting married. You've been this way for some time now so why change it. Maybe if you just stay with the girl your with without getting married, you'll be fine. Who cares if you get married, as long as you love her.

[mollie]

You really just need a girl who youre friends with and attracted to and it will work. My question about Johnny is what kind of friend is that who deliberately tries to sabatage you and your attempt at trying to put your life and priorites in order ?

[StacyFlyGirl73]

Need to get message to your friend JASON HERVEY!!!
SCOTT, I wish you the best & hope you find happiness with the girl of your dreams (I'm 5'10" w/ a GREAT body, so I guess I'm not your type...too bad!) Anyway, trying to find a long-lost friend that Jason knows & I believe used to work with. P.A. worked at a production company with him. P.A. called a few years back but my Mom took the call when I was living in Green Bay; she was so thrilled that I was engaged at the time to a cop who was a minister's son, she didn't even ask for P.A's contact info; I was furious with her. Never got married & interested in how my friend is doing as I plan to move to Los Angeles in a few months. Could you PLEASE get back to me? I don't know how else to find him (has a very complicated Greek last name). Would be forever grateful, thanks. StacyFlyGirl73

[Stacy]

Scott,
I hope you find the girl of your dreams & can someday make a great family man. Sadly, it won't be me as I am intellegent, 5'10" w/ a great body (too bad for you)! Have to say, though, I DID have a poster of you on my bedroom door when I was younger: you were wearing a satin jacket, no shirt & a cross necklace. You seriously made my heart melt.
Wish you liked tall, slender brunettes w/ slammin' bodies as I would love to go on a date with you.
Actually, I really need to get in touch with your friend JASON HERVEY. I am looking for a long-lost friend which he used to work with at a production company. His name is P.A. & he called my hometown # to see how I was doing. P.A. crosses my mind often, but at the time I was a flight attendent based in Detroit & living in Green Bay(that's where P.A. & I met). Well, my Mom was so thrilled that at the time I was engaged to marry a police officer/minister's son that she didn't even get P.A.'s contact info....I was furious w/ her.
Scott, could you do me the BIGGEST FAVOR in the world? (*remember*, KARMA is a great thing & doing a good deed for a stranger will bring good things to you!).Please ask JASON to contact VH1 to get my info if he knows the whereabouts of P.A.(long Greek last name & grew up in Titusville,FL; was good friends w/ your brother-in-law Br.) Thank you, you little hottie, you!!!
Stacy

[R]

Scott Baio is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My friends and I love the show. I don't know how much is real or fake/stage but it's wonderful entertainment.

Scott should be in a new sit-com, docudrama or even a major motion pic.

Stay single forever Scott:) there are more women out there that need you.

[dot]

scott,from all the shows I've seen so far I agree with the women that's helping you.your friends can be like a drug,you have to drop them,so you can move to the next step in your life.I really hope everything workout for you.

[Deirdre]

This show is great, and I'm so glad they are bringing it back for a Second Season. His friends are hilarious.

[noname]

this i'm doing because R. Kelly got in trouble with a child and I got convicted for child molesting and a felony. but R. Kelly will never get that felony or a couple of months in prison. everyday i wake up i'm asshamed is he no he's making songs and still on cam not saying "i'm sorry." if i had that kind of money i wouldn't be blowing like he does making child pornography. i have epilepsy i asked the person i was with are you over 18 5 times, they lied to me, yet i still got a felony. police in my area pick on minorities on welfare.R. Kelly knew what he was doing he even had it filmed. I wasn't drunk or drugged.i don't need to compare nothing i am 5'7 she was 6'8 and for being a minor thats tall and plus heavy.so how is a guy supposed to think a 6'8 girl that weighs 350lbs is under 18 after she lies over 5 times.Plus she asked me if she could perform oral sex on me.Yet i still got a felony.I'm disabled and should've sued the parents, R.Kelly i don't know what your excuse is but i hope it is as good as mine is.I'm already labeled

[Sanjay]

These are all nice picture all guys so sweet hot and sexy wish he all the best.