It's such a shame that Brigitte ejected herself from the competition. If only Jordan Knight were here, he could lead everyone in a round of the song that needs to be sung:
Please don’t go girl
You would ruin my whole world
Tell me you’ll stay
Never ever go away
In case it hasn't been drilled into your head enough, we open on the unfairness the members of the B-list face.
Contrast those images with this:
The B stands for "brutal." Traci backs this up when she says that she and her fellow B-listers are "not considered as good." Well, yeah, that's what happens when you play games. To emphasize her misery, she uses air quotes.
It is though she is grasping at the elusive status she yearns for. Grasp on, Lobster Girl. Chyna tells Traci that this is how it goes when you play "the game." She, too, uses air quotes.
Chyna's moments of clarity are so satsifying, like someone without legs crossing the finish line of a marathon. Traci lets us know how she really feels in an interview.
She cries about the limitations of always being considered a bimbo. She's not crying about the show though -- it's pretty clear that appearing on The Surreal Life is a symptom of the tears, not the other way around. Sad.
The house then finds out that the A-listers will receive a lesson from a famous chef, while the B-listers, Robin chuckles, will be having "a feast of a very...different sort." Please don't tell us that it involves a trough.
The A-listers' instructor arrives:
With him, Todd brings live lobsters that he and Rob commence to cutting in two while they are alive. Here are the justified reactions of Andrea and Pepa:
It's totally sick, and the worst thing is that we're treated to a variety of tight shots on the animals struggling against the blade that's tearing their world in two. Since when did we agree to tune into The Surreal Life: Cannibal Holocaust?
Meanwhile, the B-listers get up close and personal with some animal parts, too:
It ain't lobster, but at least they don't have to bob to be fed.
Andrea gets over her horror at the lobster massacre and she reveals that, "The food was so good, I was getting slightly aroused."
Imagine what she would have done with the hotdogs!
Then the A-listers decide to invite the B-listers to their table, but they're totally rude about it.
It's at this point that The Surreal Life Fame Games reveals itself as a social experiment in the making -- it may be predictable that if you tell people they're superior, they'll act that way, but damn if it isn't fascinating to watch.
So the B-listers sort of put on a good face at the A-list table...
...except for Brigitte who's back in the B-list wing. Rob goes to retrieve her and she seems to enjoy the attention.
Why is she holding a container of Vaseline?
Rob persuades her to join the group, but she senses the entitlement of the A-list and gathers her Vaseline to go back to her room.
When someone retreats to their room with a tub of Vaseline, you gotta raise an eyebrow or seven, you know?
After dinner, the house finds out that there are a bunch of strippers in the house -- the A-list will be given a wad of cash, while the B-listers will just have to hope for generosity (or die waiting). Burlesque antics ensue.
Rob takes one look at the scene and gives Verne his cash -- he won't be taking part in the festivities as he's married. Dude, there's always room for jiggle! Whatever, it just means more for Verne.
Ron eventually invites the strippers into the main A-list wing. One of them makes the mistake of plopping on Rob's bed.
This prompts Rob to unleash the anger of Thor.
"This looks like a whorehouse!" he rants. Who knew VanIce was so puritanical? Next thing you know, he's going to proclaim himself a "God warrior" and condemn Verne for being a gargoyle. Traci takes exception to Rob's rant, as she feels that it implies that the strippers are whores. It may seem petty, but it's a fair distinction. Rob repeats that he said it "looks like a whorehouse" with Brigitte occasionally chiming in, "'Looks like,' he said, 'Looks like,'" like a disaffected, Germanic parrot. In the end Traci concedes and she and Rob embrace.
Then, for no apparent reason, Chyna wears one of those borderline offensive hats with the fake dreadlocks.
It goes so well with her velour jogging suit, right?
Then it's time for the challenge: the two teams will get to wreck a fake hotel room.
Each member will get 30 seconds to wreak as much havoc as possible. In the end, the team with the most busted room wins. Helping judge will be no stranger to busted hotel rooms:
You get the feeling that the stomped neon phone in Gn'R's "Patience" video is just the tip of the iceberg for Adler.
The busting commences. The funniest destroyer is Brigitte, who narrates her way through the destruction.
"Who's on the phone?"
"No one!" She killed them with her sass.
Worst is Chyna, who doesn't do anything but saunter in slowly, look around, put on her sunglasses and take off her gloves.
Robin told them to be creative. Perhaps she figured that by not destroying, she was creating. Interesting but wrong.
Brigitte has her own philosophy: "Chyna Doll, she's fragile. But she did try hard. She's at times a lost soul, and she can't handle certain things. And I understand that." Very interesting, Dr. Nielsen.
She holds a degree in On-the-Fly Psy, you know.
In the end here's what the rooms look like:
In retrospect, Verne says that he should have pulled down his pants and peed. Now that would have been creating something.
Steven Adler, who apparently never felt the need to leave the jungle (baby), gestures with this rose he's holding and his hair.
Good thing they didn't give him a gun, too.
The A-list ends up winning because, apparently, its members are genetically superior.
This means the B-list must send three of its members to play Back to Reality. But first, there's a search for an explanation of Chyna's minimalist display. After about five minutes of moving her mouth but not saying anything, Chyna informs Manny (who really took the loss hard, poor guy), that trashing things is "yucky". "It sends a yucky message."
As she says "yucky," she seems to do her best squirrel impression. Chyna, insult the challenges all you want, but leave the rodents out of it!
The three that the B-listers agree will play Back to Reality are Chyna, Brigitte and Verne.
This week's Back to Reality game is:
It's basically like playing the Kevin Bacon six-degrees game -- they'll be given a series of photos connecting them with a Hollywood A-lister. They must say how each actor along the way connects to the next. Here, play along:
In the end, Verne gets the fewest points, so he's supposed to go home. But Brigitte gets all upset because she wanted to go home.
So, apparently, she's allowed to sacrifice herself for Verne. She does and leaves. Sad -- it would have been nice to see how much further she could have taken her weirdness.
Bye, Brigitte. Next time try harder to lose!
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