Here's all you really need to know about this episode:
Sad but true.
The episode starts with everyone talking about the unlikely couple that is Brigitte and Chyna Doll. And they aren't kidding: Brigitte and Chyna are like Laverne and Burly.
Or maybe Laverne, Burly and bizarre...
Chyna says they can read each other's mind.
Like right now, Chyna is totally humming the theme of The Last Unicorn.
Then the cast gets a message from Robin, who seems to be really enjoying his hooka...
...they're told to go into the next room and find athletic gear. They do, and soon it becomes clear that the A-listers will be playing tennis (they have rackets), while the b-listers will not (they don't). Once on the court, they find out that the b-listers will be playing table tennis.
The B-listers complain about being relegated to a lesser sport, but whatever, it's not like ping pong sucks that much.
But you know what does suck? Ron Jeremy.
You already knew this, as it's part of Ron's life's work, but still. Who knew he'd get all porno on Brigitte's leg? What a dog!
Just when you think Chyna's going to get all jealous, her own side interest emerges...
There's a good chance that if Chyna and Verne mated, they'd produce children of totally average stature. A courtship almost makes sense.
But really, the kiss comes because Verne's leaving the house because of a "prior engagement." No word on when he'll be back or why he's forgiven the "midget bowling" comment Chyna unleashed last week, but whatever!
Soon notification comes that the celebs will be making their way to a casino. While the A-list gets $100 in chips, the B-list gets nothing.
Like, they don't even have anyone open their car door for them.
Can you imagine not having people wait on you hand and foot every second of your life? Next they'll tell us that the B-listers are going to be made to chew food for themselves! Will the sadism ever cease?
No, it will not.
Brigitte tries to get slick with her celeb status and she's shot down. So she decides to leave.
Joking aside, the unfairness in treatment for the A-listers and B-listers really is glaring and seemingly meant to agitate. Anyway, as she waits outside of the casino for a taxi, Ron goes out to save her. He ends up giving her some chips and then she pays him back at home...
OK, what? Why? How?
Brigitte and Ron apparently were so taken by their kiss that they didn't realize cameras were filming them. Apparently, when cameras are on you 24/7, their presence is easy to forget. And anyway, the scandal video was last week -- as weird as this paring is, it's already feeling like old news. That is, until Brigitte confesses that she wants to find out, "what's behind this big d***."
A wick, perhaps? (Seriously -- why is she holding lighters?)
Before you can say "hedgehog love," Brigitte's infatuation with Ron is over. It all starts when Brigitte and Chyna sleep late.
It's so ridiculous, how could you not mess with them? Rob and Traci decide to put a bunch of stuff on them while they sleep, frat-boy style.
Ron tops it all off with a toe on Brigitte's tag that says, "D.O.A." on one side and says that her cause of death is too much partying on the other. At first, upon waking up, Brigitte and Chyna find this hysterical.
And then Brigitte decides that it isn't funny, mentions her son and a brain tumor and takes Ron to task for this.
Uh, why would you?
It only gets more confusing as Brigitte then says to Ron, "I was hoping from you, you would be more of just you, and not crack the joke all the time, since you know that I'm a sensitive person." All of that is [sic], btw. Seriously, Gitte, say "you" again. Ron, in an interview, tells the camera, "She's weird, she's just weird!" Amen, brother.
Brigitte gets to angry that she tells Ron, "I'll kick your motherf***ing ass! How dare you?" and then she threatens to leave. Oh, no, don't go, Brigitte! There are still eight people in the house that you haven't gotten oddly sexual with! Your time is nowhere near over!
Does it even need to be said that Brigitte changes her mind and decides to stay? Rob seems really happy about it, too. His number is probably next.
The celebs then go to their challenge location. This week, the A-listers will act in front of green screens, hamming up scenes from fake disaster movies. Almost all of these scenes require death, which is not at all symbolic of anyone's career. Helping judge this time will be:
That's the only time Victoria will smile during the entire episode, until Robin jokes that he's got an appointment on her casting couch, right before she's about to leave. Seriously!
Anyway, the scenes go something like this...
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