Do you have love for New York?
More importantly, do you have love for her show?
Seriously, who wouldn't want to get with a woman so in command of her body?
Welcome to New York's further adventures in ranting and finding love via television (really: same thing). Since the first episode of I Love New York focused on New York's breaking the ice with her 20 potential suitors , we'll do the same here -- this post will touch on the bachelors (not like that!) and what we know about them so far.
But first, let's meet our H.B.I.C.'s:
In case you forgot between now and the jump, here is New York:
And here is New York's mother, Sister Patterson, who will be on hand to guide New York in her decision-making process and/or to scare people.
And here are the bachelors with some key points regarding their personalities:
- New York describes him as "suave," so, duh, "Rico" is the perfect name for him. Now all he needs is a bandanna and about five pounds of hair gel and he'll be set. Ladies, he'll eat you raw like sushi.
- Rico ends up offending New York when he calls her "negrita," (literally: "black girl" in Spanish). He says it's a compliment; she thinks he's gone Kramer on her ass. With the help of New York's effervescent and otherwise Latino sidekick, Chamo, the language barrier is set straight. But really, isn't pointing out her race unnecessarily, uh, racial, no matter what the language?
- Pootie is so named because he's after "pootie tang." Apparently, calling him "Vagina" just would have been too weird.
- Tango's nickname comes from his mother. And that's what he wants New York, his potential lover, to call him. Oedipal!
- Get your mind out of the gutter: Wood is short for Richwood, this dude's last name. Now you may return your mind to the gutter.
- Wood ends up confessing to New York that he's appeared on various shows, including Mr. Romance and Elimidate, which he refers to as a talk show. Yeah, and Flavor of Love is a nature series. Perhaps because she shares a history in dating shows, New York doesn't seem to mind much...
- Whiteboy is so named because of his history in advocating for tenant farmer land rights. Just kidding. It's his name because he's a white boy! Duh!
- No, that isn't Nick Lachey returning to the world of televised relationships, it's 12 Pack, who's named after his abs.
- 12 Pack tweezes his own eyebrows.
- He also reveals that "everywhere he goes," he's called gay.
- Including here. Sister Patterson on 12 Pack: "He's...he's gay!" And really: tweezes luck a duck, does crunches like a duck... Just sayin'!
- Heat says people are intimidated by him. None yet, as far as we can tell!
- Oh, T-Bone. Poor guy -- New York decides on this name for him because, "He's huge, he's big, he's greasy."
- T-Bone says that women often compliment his eyes.
- On a not-at-all related note: he hasn't gotten laid in three years.
- T-Bone also thinks that New York is proof of creationism: "You can look at New York and tell she didn't come from no Cro-Magnon man. There was a divine wisdom that put that together." Really, New York bypassing evolution would explain so much. Her hair, for one thing.
Her third eye, for another.
- Jersey comes from New Jersey. No word on what he smells like.
- Mr. Boston at first requests the nickname of "Stud." New York and Sister P are all, "Poindextersaysstud?" Sister P ends up giving him the name of Mr. Boston, as a salute to his hometown. It still sounds like a weight-lifting title or something.
- Mr. Boston looks like Al Gore's little brother, according to Chance.
- New York is really attracted to Onix. It's kind of nice that the Flavor of Love style of spelling things somewhere between phonetically and correctly was resurrected for I Love New York, isn't it?
- Sister Patterson is a huge advocate for T-Weed (whose name, btw, is never explained and could mean anything from sushi enthusiasm to the belief that every time of day should be 4:20). "He has a brain, he makes money, he looks good in clothes," says Sister P of T-Weed. But the real question is: does he look good out of clothes?
- He's a tennis player, so he knows all about love. Just not that kind.
- Trendz is...a guy...on the...show...
- Bonez is really religious which gets Sister P all hot and bothered. You know, in a church-going kind of way.
- T-Money completes the trilogy of T's. How...awesome.
- His outfit offends New York: "He has a green jacket on, bright pink shirt, lookin' like a watermelon, and I'm wondering to myself, Do you think I like watermelon, just because I'm black?" Clearly, that's exactly what T-Money is going for. He wants her to spit out his seeds. Freaky.
- Real seems kind of great, and down-to-earth. Oddly, his brother is also in the competition:
- The first thing you need to know about Chance is that he's amazing.
- The second thing you need to know is that he's not about that "jibber jabber and yip yap." Right. It's articulation or it's nothing when it comes to Chance.
- Chance needs Ritalin according to Mr. Boston. Chance does not agree with Boston's prescription.
- He's the clear frontrunner, which drives Sister Patterson crazy, as she is not feeling Chance's thug appeal. The two argue throughout most of the show. It goes something like this. Awesomely, Chance refers to Sister P as "Mr. Patterson...Sister Patterson...Peppermint Patterson." Peppermint Patterson! That's the best sarcastic name for a person ever! For Chance's hard work coming up with that, we salute him with a pictorial version of his vision:
- Chance also gets into it with Mr. Boston, over New York's attention. It goes something like:
- Ladies, lock up your daughters: Chance is a ringer for R. Kelly, no?
- Token requests his nickname because New York needs a token to take with her everywhere. Uh, what? You sure it wasn't because "Whiteboy" was already taken?
- Token wins over the affection of Sister P by telling her whom he thinks is real and not real in the house. A mole! And really, probably the best-looking mole anyone could ever hope for. No snout there.
- Ah, Romance. His first request for a nickname was "Cupid." If you don't know who Cupid is, Romance will explain it for you: he's the "Romanian god for love." This show is way educational. Thanks, Romance!
- Romance recently lost his beloved teacup Yorkie, and hopes that New York can fill the void she left.
- As if that isn't enough, he thinks that the tattoo on New York's breast ("Princess") bonds him to her because his dog was named Princess. Dude, do you know that you're this close to calling New York a "bitch?"
In the end (after Sister Patterson has told us not to go toe-to-toe with her, as if we'd dare), only 15 men get to stay. The guys getting the boot are:
That's Jersey, Wood, T-Bone, T-Money and Ace, for those keeping score at home. On why these were the five to get the boot, New York says, "One was here for acting [Wood], one was a f***ing pansy [T-Money], and one couldn't control his eye sockets [T-Bone]. The other two [Jersey and Ace], they just weren't good enough for me and they had to get the f*** up out of my place." Jeez. Do you think she'll be this easy on the next guys she kicks out?
Check out hilarious extras from this week's episode, plus Goldie's Aftershow right here on VSPOT!
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