Look who's back!

Admit it: you missed her.

To help cope with the show's massive loss at the end of this episode, I'm going to feature Angelique as much as possible in this recap. That is to say...

...be prepared.

Megan slowwwwly reads the typically oblique Bret Mail.

No one has any idea what it means, but Megan, at least, is hopeful about what it doesn't mean: "I really hope it’s nothing to do with athleticness, because I don’t have any." Well, how could she what with all the time she clearly puts into studying English?

When the girls meet Bret, it's at a skating rink:

Bret lays it down for the girls: today, they must compete to preserve the well-being of a doll with sensors he refers to as "Little Baby Bret."

It looks like Little Baby Hulk Hogan to me, but whatever.

Making the girls' task infinitely more difficult will be a roller derby team, who will attempt to confirm all man-hating stereotypes by taking their aggression out on the doll. They'll be led by one...

...Lacey Connor. And you know, all things considered, she looks hot. I guess evoking the scorn of a nation of reality TV watchers does a body good? The girls are predictably miffed that they have to come up against Lacey. The collective irritation is best represented by Inna, who says, "If there’s anything I can do with these skates, I hope I can skate over Lacey’s face." You know, you can say a lot about Inna and whatever's inside of her that would prompt her to choose netting as outerwear. But above all this, she's kind of awesome.

Anyway, if you're like most people with a brain, you're wondering about the relevance of this challenge. Have no fear, there is a point! Bret says that he's looking for a girl with a "mother bear instinct" and this challenge can help test for that.

If his prospective rock of love is the mother bear, that makes him, what? Goldilocks?

Bret goes further to underscore the importance of the roller derby: "There is only one way to start to find true love, and that is with a stroller derby challenge." You know, it takes some reality shows years before its participants become in on the joke, as it were. Thank god that isn't the case here -- there's no room for tragedy in my comedy.

The girls are broken up into teams:

Blue team: Aubry, Angelique, Kristy Joe and Inna
Red team: Jessica, Roxy, Peyton and Ambre
Pink team: Daisy, Megan, Destiney and Catherine

After some practicing, which basically involves the girls falling on their asses...

...and, in some cases, showing said asses off...

...the games are ready to begin. The derby will be refereed by a woman who holds one of the best drag-queen names for a non-drag queen that I've ever heard:

So. Hot.

Skating ensues.

So does rough girl-on-girl action.

You know, I don't think that any challenge in the history of Rock of Love has looked more like the template of a '70s sexploitation flick...and, considering the non-stop jiggling that this show provides, that's really saying something.

Lacey, at one point, does everything to live up to her reputation by actually punching the baby.

That's it, Lacey Connor is officially my hero.

When it's the red team's turn, Peyton is the one who's selected to push the stroller. She takes her job extremely seriously, clinging to the dolls like pants to rock star's ass.

Her hard work is for naught, however. One of the derby girls wrestles the baby's arm away from her.

It seriously looks like she's holding a sex toy. Don't threaten me with a good time, Roller Girl.

Finally, it's the blue team's turn. Angelique takes an early spill and just happens to land in the most sexually provocative position possible.

She is seriously a gem at every turn. What Bret doesn't see in her, I'll never know.

Anyway, Kristy Joe shines here, zipping around the rink as her teammates fend off the nasties.  Aubry is particularly kick-ass.

OK, so now she's my hero.

At the end, the roller girls get their hands on the blue team's baby, but it's a minor thrashing compared to the full-on fake child-abuse that the other two dolls withstood.

And then, the results are announced:

Yay - blue team wins! This is exciting, because it means more screen time for Angelique. Infinite yay!

I don't even know what that means, but I think it might involve the removal of Bret's cornea. It's a fetish thing, you wouldn't understand.

Anyway, how it will go down is Angelique, Inna and Aubry will go out with Bret first, and then Kristy Joe will get a special one-on-one date with Bret for being the team's V.I.P. The trio gets ready for their date:

Love that Aubry's basically dressed like Bret and double love that Angelique looks like a sexy cavewoman. Where do you even buy something like that? Fredrick's of Bedrock?

As the girls and Bret travel to the location of their date -- the burlesque club Forty Deuce -- something seemingly minor happens in the kitchen, in which Kristy Joe kinda-sort jokes about Catherine's poor showing in the roller-derby challenge somehow equaling a maternal deficiency. It doesn't make much sense, unless Kristy Joe really thinks that these challenges in some way reflect reality, but soon, it will prove important. Or, you know, as important as any of the petty babbling that's routine for these girls. Anyway, it somehow gets twisted so that Kristy Joe accuses Daisy of accusing Catherine of dropping the ball. Or the baby, really.

Bret, Inna, Aubry and Angelique are treated to a private burlesque show:

Dakota seriously whips around with all the grace of YouTube personality ArtemisBell. I thought burlesque was supposed to be, like, sensual. This is disorienting enough to impede my senses. My ears are ringing and I'm seeing spots. And no, those spots aren't nipples for, as Frenchie points out:

That's right, Dakota is a stripper who doesn't strip, which is Rock of Love's version of a unicorn.

The three girls now will get their chance to dance burlesquely. Dakota comes down to give them some tips. Not that Angelique needs any!

We know well. Too well. Chocolate-covered-boobs well. Dakota points out that that's actually not what burlesque is about -- it comes down to less strip, more tease. Angelique yeses Dakota to death because, clearly, she is well-versed in the art of subtlety.

I would trust you, Frenchie, but your lips move so much when you talk.

Inna is the first of the girls to grace us with some burlesque.

On her showing, Bret reports: "…my Ukranian love tank. She sucks as a burlesque dancer, but she is sexy. Spicy meatball!" OK, so he just called her a "tank" and a "meatball." His capacity for flattery is never-ending.

Aubry goes and she's fine.

As though this show couldn't get more Russ Meyer-esque, they introduce the up-from-the-floor shot while the girls go-go. Brilliant.

Finally, there is Frenchie.

This reveal prompts Bret to lean over, all connoisseur-like, and remark...

Ha! That's Bret Michaels for you: feet on the ground, and reaching for the silver-lining.

It's only a matter of time before Angelique is showing off her frenchies...

But if you think she stopped there, you're just tuning in and/or have no idea how the French do. Angelique goes to remove her bottoms and there is universal panic.

God, guys, it's just vagina. Y'all act like the Cloverfield monster just walked in and ordered a drink.

Angelique ends her act on her stomach, kicking her legs up, one at a time.

Her effect is best summed up by the look on the club owner's face:

Heh.

When Angelique is back in her seat, Dakota addresses the group, explaining that at Forty Deuce, they don't get naked.

To this, Frenchie's retort is: "I’m sorry, but I cannot keep my clothes on." That's because she's French. It's in the blood. Duh.

Meanwhile, back at home, a fight rages on over what Kristy Joe said about Catherine. Catherine, who's seemingly meek actually confronts her, which is, you know, as admirable as it gets in this house.

Catherine meets with the V.I.P.'s...plus Jessica, regarding Kristy Joe's accusation that Daisy was the one who made the comments about Catherine to start with.

Nuh-uh! Yuh-huh! Blah blah blah. You know, this whole V.I.P.'s thing has created a caste system that is, to say the very least, conducive to drama. Case and point: Destiney confronts Kristy Joe for being manipulative and fake.

Between the peroxide and silicone, I thought the whole idea of appearing on this show was to be fake. I'm confused. A lot of "Say it to my face!"ing goes down and other girls get involved. Megan calls Kristy Joe out for not wearing makeup.

Megan claims that "this isn't a horror show." Well, girlfriend, that depends on where you're sitting.

Bret and the girls return. A party rages.

Meanwhile, Kristy Joe is having a meltdown in a bathroom and is comforted by Aubry, who just keeps proving how awesome she is.

And it's here that I realize exactly who Kristy Joe reminds me of: Leilene/Smiley of Flavor of Love/Charm School fame. I bet Kristy Joe is every bit the damn! good! motherrrrrr! that Leilene is, and everything.

Aubry comforts Kristy Joe with a nice, affectionate straddle.

She assesses Kristy Joe's situation thusly:

"I wish Kristy Joe had more self-esteem, because right now, she’s jumping into a ring of fire, and if she can’t take the heat, she’s got to get out of the kitchen." Why is there a ring of fire in the kitchen? Is Angelique working on a giant batch of diabetic crème brûlée?

The next day, the girls are corralled to listen to the Bret Mail, just when I'm about to bust up laughing at how Bret-esque Destiney looks in this shot...

...we move to an even better shot, this time of Catherine.

Rock of Love, I'd like to introduce you to glamor. I'm sure you won't get along, but it'll be fun watching you duke it out. A helpful pointer to always keep in mind: neither of you are here to make friends.

The Bret Mail informs Kristy Joe that where she goes on her one-on-one date with Bret is her choice. So, she's going to barbecue and they'll hang out in the backyard. That way they can really get to know each other without any distractions. Except for the other 11 girls in the house, but whatever. It's not like any of them are going to go out of their ways to steal attention or anything!

They discuss things like thinking with your heart and Kristy Joe's current marriage: she's still going through her annulment. It's not yet clear whether her baggage is of the Louis Vuitton or Wal-Mart variety. We'll see! She says, "I’m still legally married," and the "legally married" part is looped to imply that Bret cares about this. Something tells me he doesn't. We never find out for sure, however, because soon Destiney comes with her V.I.P. pass to wrestle Kristy Joe away. That's so low. Seriously, if Kristy Joe had opted for a restaurant, Destiney wouldn't have had the opportunity to do this. A date should be off-limits to the V.I.P. pass, which isn't even a real prize anyway. Even Bret, who's usually gleeful at the prospect of women outwardly expressing contempt for each other for his sake, is taken aback. He stammers and says that this is "awkward," although he eventually accepts Destiney on his lap nonetheless.

They talk about nothing of consequence. Soon, Destiney's time is up.

See? Told you.

And then, back inside, Daisy, who's also holding onto a V.I.P. pass, plans to go steal some of Kristy Joe's date time, too. This is all to get back at Kristy Joe from that ridiculous fight they were all a part of earlier that day. Destiney sends a bare-breasted Daisy away with some advice: "Give him all you got!"

You mean there's more?

Daisy walks up to the table...

And Bret totally sends her away! Ha! Apparently, all she's got is saltiness because Daisy sort of crawls away, humiliated that she's been rejected.

Bret's momentary flash of chivalry doesn't lessen the sting of the girls' vindictiveness and Kristy Joe starts to cry.

Bret asks her if the competition is getting to her and, duh, it is. She doesn't know if she can hang. Bret helpfully offers this advice: "Sometimes it’s the right place at the right time, but maybe inevitably, it’s the wrong place at the wrong time." Is that his convoluted way of telling Kristy Joe to choose her own adventure. Fight a dragon or ride a roller coaster -- what'll it be, ma'am?

Their date ends with Kristy Joe Leilening some more. Meanwhile, Bret finds Daisy because he felt bad that he had to reject her.

Daisy opens up to him, or at least attempts to: "Like, I want you to know, like, how I’m doing. I’m, like, dreaming about you like the last couple of nights and it was so weird, but it was, like, soothing. And it was like, wow. It was cool, like…I’m sorry…" Ugh. Could you guys just make out and get it over with?

Thank you!

Eliminations loom. Angelique doesn't think she's going home.

Peyton, too, can "feel energy." Why am I not surprised? I'm sure she lets her dreamcatcher store any excess that comes her way.

Inna does this:

And Aubry thinks that Kristy Joe is going down in a "big ball of flames." And I think that Aubry is a pyromaniac. Seriously, evoke fire imagery much?

At elimination, Destiney is the first to get her pass for using the V.I.P. pass correctly.

Ugh. He's rewarding that behavior? I mean, I guess I should be happy that drama will thrive now that it's been reinforced positively, but that kind of kills my soul a little bit (as does the fact that Daisy, for merely attempting to be a bitch, gets her pass second). Eliminations go on and then it comes down to Roxy, Frenchie and Kristy Joe. So, duh, Kristy Joe stays.

That'll teach you to be polite and/or hold onto a pass that may help you in the future, Roxy. See ya!

Frenchie is completely upbeat, proclaiming herself a free spirit and saying that she gave Bret everything she could. I have photographic proof of her claim and I love her for it. Au revoir, Angelique. See you and your everything all over the Internet!

Comments

[Jess]

I can't get over how much Daisy looks like Janice, the guitarist from Electric Mayhem. Y'know...from the Muppet Show...

She freaks me out, but I'm sure she'll be in the top three for some unholy reason.

[Kevin]

Hilarious as always Rich, but just one thing (and I hate myself for being this pedantic, but it bugs me when I see smart people make this mistake): it's case IN point, not case AND point.

[Amber]

Thank you, Jess for the Janice from the Muppet Show reference! I have been trying to figure out who Daisy reminds me of for two weeks, and that is it!

Rich - maybe you could do a split screen still next week of Daisy and Janice? Please?

[steele]

Yeah, a Daisy/Janice split screen would be awesome, maybe Janice could be on the Rock of Love 3 Muppet's Crossover?

[Jess]

Yay!! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that. A split screen would be hilarious.

[dale]

Ah ahm looking forward to zee Learn Franch Viz Angelique DVDs, no?

[jeri]

first of all this whole show is the dumbest crap ever. Brett is a loser one, get rid of the eighties scarf look. he would look much better if he cut his hair..wait, maybe he is bald.

sexist, and ridiculous.

the girls aren't even all that. they really lower themselves to prostitute level, and not even a high class one.

he's a has been that needs to find god. what a plastic, cold, L.A world. hope the whole town falls off into the ocean.

whatever!

[DAKOTA]

Take class with me! or my Burlesque Body Work Out class!!!

[DAKOTA]

Take class with me! or my Burlesque Body Work Out class!!!