In this episode, New York gets immortalized in ink.

Never. Looked. Hotter.

We resume precisely where we left off: Buddha is still whining about Chance.

"She’s torn between garbage and kings," he says of her current predicament. God, that's poetic.  Also NO SHE ISN'T BECAUSE CHANCE WENT HOME, LIKE A HALF EPISODE AGO. I think Buddha's more obsessed with Chance than New York is.

Regardless, New York explains that she feels bad and she's afraid that the men are going to leave her after what happened with Chance. Sweetie, as long as there's a camera around, you'll have your pick of suitors.

It's kind of cute that she's so insecure, though. It's a different look for her, at least. I mean, she changes wigs so frequently, why not change dispositions, too? Perhaps her last attitude is being combed for lice. "I missed you guys," she announces upon sitting down. Didn't she see them, like, eight hours ago?

Exploiting her vulnerability, as much as possible, Buddha announces that he's tired of all the drama.

Does he really think that it's going to stop here? Like, is he effectively claiming to look forward to a drama-free life with New York? If so, I've got a wonderful unicorn-drawn carriage driven by Santa Claus that I'd like to offer them both a ride in. It will be free of charge. And drama!

"Let's not have a weird day," New York says.

Uh, too late. Not that it's a big deal: everybody has a weird day!

New York asks, "Is everyone happy with me in this house?" The Entertainer and Tailor Made are both like, "Yeah!!!" But hush boys...

...because clearly the question is targeted at Buddha, who doesn't answer, he just sulks. You know, for all his purported masculinity, he sure has the spoiled-child routine down...

...which is to say that he and New York are a good match. She pulls Buddha outside to set things straight.

I'm not sure that she's effective at all. He's still smarting over Chance. Ugh, he is so last week! He says he's slowed down his pursuit of New York in response to the Chance debacle. New York apologizes and he accepts it, albeit warily. OMG, just get over it already. There are like three episodes left. If you don't be careful, Buddha, you'll carry your resentment through the run of Rock of Love 2. And that might get in the way of your enjoyment of the show, which would be a damn shame.

Time for this week's awesome challenge.

This guy is going to administer a series of psychology-esque tests. When he hears this the Entertainer says, "Terrific! I’ve been through tests like that before." Wow! I haven't been more shocked since I found out that New York's boobs are fake. New York explains that they'll help determine compatibility and that whomever she's most compatible with will go on a date with her. As she does this, she gestures wildly.

She thinks she's driving home the point, but really, she's just distracting. Eh, what else is new? She's, like, built to be distracting.

The first series of tests is a Rorschach knock-off.  It's your standard ink-blot identification test.

Everyone thinks this looks like a flower (because, duh, it does!) except for the Entertainer, who sees a devil.

He sees a devil there, too.

And, presumably, there, too. But duh, that's obviously a vagina. Well a vagina nd/or the vagina-esque monster that controlled all the other giant bugs in Starship Troopers.

Oh, it's notable that every time he's shown a blot, Buddha says it's "cool."

He's, like, really into the inkblots. I'd love to talk fine art with him some time.

And then, there's this one:

And before it can even register that it looks exactly like New York, we cut to the immortalized one herself...

...who confirms this. You know you're becoming a cartoon character when looking at an inkblot is like looking in the mirror. Or maybe it's just that the blot really brings out that smoky eye that she rocks so frequently.

The next test involves drawing.

"When I look at these squares, the first thing that comes to mind is my house with New York, my cars with New York, my honeymoon with New York. Basically, New York and I together forever," says Tailor Made, which: creepy! OMG with all of his openly insane devotion, Tailor Made is totally the New York of I Love New York 2...and it freaks me out!

Guess who did that. Hint: It wasn't Buddha.

The Entertainer takes a non-traditional approach.

When the technician points out that it's interesting that he decided to draw a baseball, the Entertainer responds, "Normal people would probably just draw a dumb-ass face in there." Cut to...

Ah, editing. You are a wonderfully loyal friend.

The rest of New York's sheet is equally awesome, btw:

I love that in the blank square, all she did was write, "Hot!!!" That's...hot. The psych tech asks her about this and she makes no bones about it referring to her. I mean, duh, of course she's hot. She looks like an inkblot.

Then there's handwriting evaluation that's about as dry as handwriting evaluation tends to be.

As they wait for the results of the test to be tabulated and cross-checked, Buddha starts talking about his previous TV work.

He's appeared on Nip/Tuck among things. Well, that makes two people in the house. That's kind of shocking, really. As Buddha goes on, New York gets pissed! She says she doesn't like that Buddha's talking about himself and not paying attention to her. But really, I think it's clear that she's angry that Buddha's not paying attention to her ego. She bolts up, saying: "Excuse me, I’m f***in' outta here right now!"

All three of her.

Buddha, hilariously, announces that he's taking the cue to follow her.

But she doesn't want to be bothered, or so she says. Whatever, she'll be back.

See? That was quick.

Then, it's time for the results of the evaluations. Tailor Made is attracted to New York, but he may be bored when he gets her. Highly unlikely. New York is a lot of things, but boring is not one of them. She's a puppet show at every turn! Punk is a hard worker with a big sex drive who doesn't trust anyone. The result? He's a chronic masturbator.

It is important to note that Punk does not protest this claim.

Wise is emotionally unavailable, the Entertainer has narcissism on par with New York's and Buddha is closed off. And then, the psych tech presents New York's drawings:

Aren't they amazing? I think I might even like the lips in the bottom right more than I like "Hot!!!" The door is good, too. Oh, and I like the fish that looks like a tooth. I think if New York does a third season, toothfish should be her handler/bodyguard.

Looking over New York's work, the psych tech says, "How do I say this nicely?" Ha! It's already not nice. He minces his words, calling New York "sensitive" and "defensive." Yeah, yeah, we know! It's good to know that his evaluating expertise and mine are on par, and I didn't even need to leave my couch. Anyway, it turns out that the Entertainer is the best match for New York in this capacity.

So the Entertainer wins the date. He is thrilled.

Like, really thrilled. "I’m hopin’, hey, I’m gonna get a little tongue action finally. Y’know?" It's not an unreasonable expectation, it just sounds that way.

Anyway, the Entertainer gets ready for his date. If you've never been to Long Island...

...now you have. Cross that one off the list of perspective vacation spots.

Their date will be dinner.

"This table is nice and cute and dainty," New York notes. With each passing episode, she becomes more and more like Rose of The Golden Girls. Maybe next season, New York's uncle will leave her a pig and it can keep toothfish company!

The Entertainer and New York share flirty pleasantries.

"I like you! You’re so loony and crazy and nutty. I love it!"

Ah, it sounds like a sonnet. The Entertainer protests New York's assessment, but then...

Loony indeed.

New York offers more praise: "I like a man that’s well-faceted." Well, then why didn't she keep Wolf around? Oh wait, she means something else. She also says that the Entertainer comes off as someone who's kind of freaky. This didn't occur to her till now? Not even when he had her foot in his mouth? Perhaps it is his sense of humor that suggests exciting sex?

Then, out comes a belly dancer. The Entertainer is not pleased.

New York begs him to dance with her, and he is not having it. They go back and forth and it gets so heated that New York actually tells him at one point, "Don’t go there!"

You know, if they were still filming The Golden Girls today, that's exactly the type of thing that Rose would say to a potential suitor.

The Entertainer is clearly anguished over this belly dancer and the expectation of him to join her...

...and then, he just gets over it and shake-shake-shakes with her.

Really, he's quite talented.

Since the Entertainer followed her orders, New York deems the date a success. Since New York deems the date a success, the Entertainer thinks they should tell the guys that it wasn't. You know, as a prank, if for nothing else, to exploit the 7th-grade mentality that runs rampant throughout the house. New York loves this idea and giggles like a mechanical hyena at the prospect.

Encouraged, the Entertainer continues formulating: "I’m gonna pack everything, and then as soon as I get to the door, I’m gonna turn around, and just go: ‘Psyche!’"

I'm sorry, I overestimated the Entertainer. That's 5th-grade level mentality, tops. I mean, he actually said, "Psyche," and meant it. At this point, I don't know if I love him or I fear him.

At home, the guys wait for him to arrive.

See, they've pulled a prank of their own: remembering how freaked out the possible poltergeist had the Entertainer, they decide to recreate that scene.

The idea's lameness is illustrated by the fact that the Entertainer completely blows past it in his pseudo-fight with New York that happens as soon as he's back in the house, and the following pseudo-packing of his belongings.

Awesomely, all the guys fall for it! Ha! The pranksters have been pranked. When they see that he didn't even pay enough attention to their gag to fall for it, they scramble to clean things up. Strong and silent Mr. Wise blows out the candles.

Someone had to do it.

The Entertainer's prank goes off as planned. He really does bring all his bags to the door and he really does say "Psyche!" and then walk away. The other guys are knocked on their asses.

But not the Entertainer! He's not on his ass! He's on his...

...hands.

And then, turmoil.

You can tell there is turmoil because of the balled-up fists and twisted-up face. This is regarding Buddha, who never met a grudge he hasn't wanted to keep as a pet and feed and brush and love for ever and ever.

Aw, puppy love.

Meanwhile, the Entertainer gets a call from his ex, who, as you'll remember, was in the house just last week.

She just saw Buddha on Hell Date! Another dating show? Oh no he didn't!

Tailor shares the news with Punk.

The chronic masturbator has a body that could inspire a nation to follow suit. Funny how that works.

Anyway, there's more psych-related stuff today. And you know what? I applaud the producers for bringing on evaluation after evaluation. With guys like this, you can never be too careful.

Remember her? She's New York's doctor from the first episode. Nice to know she's still getting work. Anyway, one-by-one the guys and New York will meet with the therapist for a round of couple's therapy.

The Entertainer says he'll have no problem being a stay-at-home dad, which of course, begs New York to deem him her future "wife." "I like ‘Mr. Mom’ better than ‘wife,’" says the Entertainer. Oh yeah, because Mr. Mom isn't at all emasculating.

"You need a penis implant!" New York says to Tailor Made, her future "bitch." You know what? I bet that this is based wholly on reality -- somehow New York got Tailor Made to tell her that he's packing...lightly, and she's been obsessing ever since. You know he'd be open about his shortcomings, too, just because of his weenie-like tendencies. Where is the footage of their initial discussion and why weren't we privy to it?

Mr. Wise is too close to his ex. What else is new? Besides New York's hair and temperament, I mean. Buddha acts as though he'll submit to New York, when everyone knows that he's way too dominant for that. In an interview, New York informs us...

..."Buddha is ly-ying!" Haha, awesome. Just the way she says it is beautiful. So much poetry this episode. So, so much.

The therapist surmises that New York's brain doesn't want Buddha, but her body does. How she came to this conclusion...

...is anyone's guess.

And then there is Punk, aka, the most recent guy in the house to have his head held in New York's hand as though it's a poisonous apple and she's a witch.

Punk is a good match for her, per the therapist's assessment. That's good. They'd make extremely pneumatic, no doubt. Also, Punk's good for gossip, which is also key to getting along with New York (but you didn't hear that from me!): he reveals that Buddha's been on Hell Date.

New York then, of course, confronts Buddha about this.

"It's for fun!" says Buddha. But this show? This show right here? This show is for serious.

And then, elimination. Punk is the first to be called.

And again, he is regarded as poison: New York tells him that he's like a brother to her! Haha, she's so gross, even when she doesn't try.

The Entertainer is called next.

Wow, that's some makeup he's got on there. If you've never been to a MAC Counter in Long Island, now you have been.

Upon giving the Entertainer his chain, New York says something about his standing in the competition being good. He takes issue with this.

But New York breaks down her definition of good, which is like one of those poems you'd write about yourself (probably in 5th grade, come to think of it) in which each letter of your name stands for an adjective. Check it:

G can stand for "great"
O can stand for "outstanding"
O can stand for..."osome"
D can stand for "Damn, we got it going on together"

That's right.  "Osome." New York, you are omazing and o-inspiring.

Tailor Made gets his chain and then it's down to Buddha and Wise. Wise goes because he seems to have unfinished business with the ex.

He makes a very respectful bow, saying that no matter what, he'll always have love for New York. A gentleman to the end? No wonder New York didn't want him!

Related content
I Love New York 2 show page

Comments

[Sandy]

I like that curly wig she was rockin!

[Lainey]

This woman is the most vile human being I have ever seen on television. (Another reason why I don't watch much television.)

I happened on this channel and watched two episodes. I found "New York" to be obnoxious, classless, disgusting, vulgar, impatient, ruthless, overly dramatic and idiotic.

In order to be this woman's husband, the man would have to give up his voice and integrity to get "down and dirty"; like a pig in the trough. He would have to give up too much of himself to accommodate this disgusting pig. She dresses like a low-class prostitute and has the filthy mouth to match. She has absolutely no redeeming qualities to offer anyone. How this woman has her own TV show is indicative of what America has become; a dumbed down version of its previous self. This is the kind of schlock that's on television; these fake reality, nauseating shows that occupy the airwaves, and people seem to lap it up.

This is another validation to give up television, as it is a waste of time, proving that while the masses watch TV, the 2% wealthy in America are laughing and getting richer. They have no competition to question authority, or how this country is run, due to the idiots who just keep watching this garbage, instead of studying.

My TV is going on craigslist!

[kim p.]

I wanted Buddha to win NY heart but she wants a hen-pecked man. They have some ways that are similar. Buddha is a MAN'S MAN there's no way in the hell he's going to give up his masculinity to be NY's WIFE. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard of wanting a man that's not gay to be a wife. Some people are finding him to be annoying now. He was a little cocky with her on this episode. I guess Punk and Tailor Made will be in the final 2. I love you NY.

[Toshiba]

Tiff has to the most ghetto person i have ever seen she portrays miss high society and holds a champagne glass with a closed fist which is so not elegant at all. i will still give her props she had the opportunity for her own show and she is working it it keeps me in tune every week.

[Courtie]

Rich, I want to kiss you for the Sifl & Olly reference.

[Chris]

Rich, I absolutely love your blogs and read them faithfully. Your references are awesome and your writing is so funny I usually laugh out loud. You're really talented -- please keep on writing.

Small mistake: When you talked about taking Long Island off the list of "perspective vacation spots", the word should have been prospective, not perspective.

I agree with Kim P. -- Buddha is too strong a person to end up with NY in the long run.

[moss]

Lainey shut the eff up. I don't own a tv either. But I don't think I'm all SUPERIOR or OSOME because of that.

Rich people watch tv too.

You are a moron.

[Ty]

The Sifl and Olly reference is the most face-meltingly osome thing I've ever seen in these recaps. They trump the incredible Midget Mac gifs...

Sifl & Olly in an "I Love New York" = insurmountable osomeness.