Remember, The Bodyguard, that slice of '90s cheese in which Whitney Houston plays a pop star who enlists the services of a bodyguard played by Kevin Costner and, after some initial bumps, they fall madly in love?

Yeah, well, this episode of Hogan Knows Best is nothing like that. For one thing, Brooke doesn't wear a flowing head covering, like, once!

The start of this episode couldn't be more disorienting.

We see the Hogans in the studio with Brooke. Terry is made to say "305" in the mic. We're never explained what "305" means, but it probably has something to do with Miami.

Linda, meanwhile, says she needs toothpicks to keep her eyes open.

That is because her eyes are actually made of meatballs. True story!

Anyway, with that bit of weirdness out of the way, we see the Hogans at home. It turns out that Terry, Nick and Brooke all have something work-related planned for an upcoming weekend. That's a lot of hands that are going to go without holding. What ever will the Hogans do? Nick says he can go do his drifting in St. Louis alone because, "I'm not sexy." Perhaps recognizing the err in her son's declaration, Linda decides that she'll accompany him. Since Terry will be busy, who will accompany Brooke? Nick decides that it should be a bodyguard. Terry and Linda present this idea to Brooke, who protests for a millisecond before relenting in a body-against-surface display of exasperation that is not unlike that of a Muppet.

Brooke's one request for this endeavor is that her bodyguard be not fugly. You know what that means: Terry would enlist Fergie Ferg herself if he thought she could bench her bodyweight.

The search begins.

Terry wants to take pictures of the potential bodyguards next to Nick so that he can get an idea of their size. This first one says, "Don't let the size, uh, fool you." He says this in a way that suggests he's comfortable being uncomfortable about his size, which in turn, suggests that he's said this before. When he was naked, most likely.

Men, men, men. This guy above calls himself "Big Fred." Terry asks about his experience as a bodyguard and Fred says, "Anything. You name it. I done it." Slap that on a business card and watch the meek and mild flock like lambs.

Finally we get to this guy:

Is it unprofessional as a recapper to swoon? Oh, I don't care: swoon. Nick's cracking up in the background of this shot because Terry has just asked this strapping boy, Brock, what his sexual preference is. Brock is, unfortunately, and maybe a little surprisingly, straight. That's bad news for Terry, but infinitely worse for a recapper.

Brooke and Linda breeze in, and catch the tail end of Brock's interview. Brooke also swoons.

She literally cannot control herself -- she whispers, "He's hot," and everyone can hear her.

It goes without saying that Brock does not get the job.

But Big Fred might.

The next day, he's invited back for some more questioning. Linda asks if he knows Tae Kwon Do. Big Fred replies that he knows Beat Chu Up Kwon Do. Hm. It sounds more clever than it reads. Big Fred also says he will resort to hair pulling and biting for the sake of protection. Terry loves this.

Look who's swooning now!

And so, Big Fred is hired and he's sent off to L.A. with Brooke for a taping of Wild 'N Out. Big Fred's instructions for looking over Brooke are simple: No boys, no alcohol and "I need you to check in with me every hour." Simple in concept, that is -- sounds like a pain in the ass in execution.

On the way to the airport, Big Fred assures that this will be a good experience, in part, because he's funny. "That's what we need. Funniness is the key to protection," is Brooke's retort. You know, Brooke is only getting snarkier. It's such a pleasure to watch her grow in to the wise-cracking smart-ass she's dying to be. Best Week Ever, watch out!

Case in point: once they've landed Brooke goes into the bathroom. When she's about to leave, she screams, "Freddy help me!"

He rushes to her aid and then she laughs at him for entering the women's room. Haha, he's a girl now. That's what that means. Spontaneous vagina via a practical joke. Yet another true story!

The fun and games soon end when Brooke learns the extent of Fred's up-your-buttedness. He demands to get a room on the same floor as her, despite the fact that there aren't any. Once Brooke's in her room, he demands that she inform him if she's going to leave.

Brooke can't take it and with good reason: Big Fred is creepily omnipresent.

At the gym, he bats away Brooke's fans, much to her chagrin.

She understands Fred needs to do his job, but by sending her fans away, he's kind of keeping her from doing her job, you know?

The next day, Brooke dons gold lamé and attends a radio interview.

How's that for creepy omnipresence?

Fred does some bit where he wrestles a sidekick to the ground. When he's out of the room, Brooke lets the main DJ know that Fred's smothering her. The DJ suggests she tell her dad that Big Fred is into her. Shield your eyes: light bulbs are going off!

Brooke attends the Wild 'N Out taping...

And then she sets forth her evil-genius plan.

She tells Terry that she's having so much fun with Fred and that he "definitely, definitely" likes her. That light bulb just switched hands and shattered in Terry's fist.

But you know, the thing is that this problem doesn't stop with Fred. He's annoying because he's being paid to be annoying. If Brooke gets rid of him, won't someone just as smothering step up in his place?

Whatever. When Brooke and Fred return to Miami, they're walking arm-in-arm. Ha. Brooke is so devious. Terry's all suspicious and grills Fred who doesn't exactly get the impression Terry has of his "work" with Brooke. Terry pays him and dismisses him. Then, Terry reports to Linda that he's done with Big Fred.

The family convenes.

Big Fred's out but the bodyguard idea isn't. Instead of a dude, Brooke will be looked after by...

...Joyce. She's a martial-arts expert and she likes to shop. In Terry's eyes, this probably makes her the perfect woman, and hey, who are we to argue? This works for Brooke because there's no way Joyce will be as annoying as Big Fred. It's physically impossible for a woman to be annoying. Truest story of the recap.

Comments

[jermaira smith]

shop worlwide cyber mall called the computer power mall

[tdg]

This a cool family. I really think their will keep their kids out of rehab.Good job Terry and Linda.Oh and Brooke is a very pretty young lady.

[Ty]

If Terry felt that the one bodyguard candidate couldn't stop him, maybe Terry should've given the guy a chance to demonstrate his skills. But who knows... the dude could've owned Terry on national TV... LOL... Also, just because a guy is big doesn't mean that he's the perfect bodyguard... as his selection of Joyce demonstrates.