It's the return of Hogan Knows Best! It should be a happy occasion...

...but why does everybody look so sad?

We open with Linda looking stressed. Nice to see you, too, Linda. She says she can't even think of all the things she has to do. Perhaps this is why she answers her phone by saying, "What!" instead of the usual, "Hello?" Since, you know, one of those things she had to do was to be polite. Anyway, Brooke's face when her mother answers the phone like that is amazing.

Linda won't talk to Terry about some undisclosed issue. She ends by throwing the phone. Linda's got demons.

Brooke notes that their arguments arise from the way that Linda and Terry talk to each other. It's the standard, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it," deal. Brooke's a smart girl. Brooke wonders if they'd be happier divorced and Linda says she doesn't know. Brooke answers for her, saying that they wouldn't be because Terry's the love of Linda's life. Brooke's a hopeful girl.

At home: more bickering. Linda's had it.

In this case, it's unclear as to if by "it," she means a good scare on a rollercoaster or maybe a mouthful of helium.

Linda says that if they don't get counseling, she knows what the next step will be, because she doesn't care anymore. Well, calling for counseling would seem to indicate that she does care, but whatever. Let her have her pride.

Let her have her counselor, too:

The Hogans begin spilling their guts. The last six months have been fraught with fighting and unhappiness. They don't have a lot of time, their trips to restaurants feel more like food hunts than leisurely time spent together and Terry is constantly glued to his cell phone. Ooooh. And then things get really juicy: it surfaces that Linda often denies Terry sex.

The counselor assigns the Hogans some work: they're to write each other's likes and dislikes on a piece of paper for next time. Are they sure that isn't just a scam to get them to come back? Also, they are to set aside time for a "wish day," in which one person gets exactly what they want from the other without any arguments. Apparently, this doctor is an advocate of slavery.

The next day, Linda asks Terry if he'll walk to the dog with her. He agrees to do so via is Segway. What's awesome is that you'd think she'd be walking the dog for exercise, but she's actually just carrying it.

They have nothing to talk about, they discover. Maybe they can discuss proper animal exercise?

The next day, Terry calls Linda to inform her that it's his Wish Day.

If it were her Wish Day, she'd probably wish for some air freshener. Too bad. Terry's first wish is for her to shave his back with her bikini on.

It looks like someone just got bit by the Rock of Love bug.

His second wish is to go on the roof with her.

Nick and Brooke pop in too say they're going out. Which gives Terry an idea he lets Linda in on.

If you can't guess what that idea involves, the sign says it all.

For their next meeting with their counselor, the Hogans come prepared with their homework assignment.

Apparently, the things that make Terry happy are spending quality time and sex. One in the same, no? The things that make Linda happy, according to Terry, are spending time with animals. If these things also included "spending time with Terry," you could probably say "one in the same," again. They go on and it's eventually revealed that after particularly heated discussions, they've talked about getting divorced. Also, Linda seems a little lost: she claims that moving to California will make her happy, but Terry points out that Linda has said that she's not going to be happy anywhere. Except maybe in bed:

It's Linda's Wish Day and she requests that Terry say how he feels about her via poetry to be read at dinner tonight. You sure you want to do that to your stomach, Linda? But first, Terry will make Linda breakfast in bed. Again, the question must be posed: are you sure you want to do that to your stomach, Linda?

And then, Terry gets to work on his poem. He asks Brooke to listen.

Here's what he's come up with:

The first time I saw you
I saw your feet first and then I saw you
In the end, we would turn out to be more than friends
So I did a knee bend
So that we would stay together till the end
I love you, too
So what 'chu gonna do?

The best thing about this is that it starts out sounding like he's describing a breech birth. The second best thing about it is that he refers to proposing as doing a "knee bend." So physically inclined, that one! The third best thing? Brooke's reaction:

Brooke disagrees and says maybe he should stay away from making jokes about the size of Linda's feet. He scraps the poem and Brooke protests saying that she likes most of it. Brooke's a polite girl. Nick suggests a Hulkamania-style poem. "Let me tell you something, Linda." Ha. That's already way more poetic than the breach birth piece.

Then Terry draws Linda a bath. OK, by now it's abundantly clear that these people love and need each other, right?

Yeah, well maybe not. Terry disrobes and attempts to join her.

Only to be met with…this:

Terry gets the hint and stalks off, poor guy.

Then, it's time for dinner.

More importantly, it's time for poetry. Terry revised piece goes:
I really don't understand
At all how we got here
Why we love so much and
Still might fail
Out of touch, out of love and out of place
Losing you would be like living without ever seeing my children's face
I stand here before you embarrassed and ashamed
Asking you to love me make me feel I fell from grace
It's up to you if our love rises or falls
But right now it really doesn't matter at all
If our love is dead, I'll finally bow my head
Because being in love with you only if for a second
Means I'll never live to regret it

It's undoubtedly heartfelt and, actually, pretty sweet. That it doesn't include any breech-birth or working-out imagery is an added bonus. Before the end of the poem, Linda cries and so does Terry. At the end, they embrace:

And all would seem to be will in the Hogans household. Phew! When the kids are out of the room, Linda notes that she wants to do one more thing for her Wish Day. Guess what it is.

And so, after pouring his heart out in poetry, Terry gets some. Expect work on the level of Woodsworth to be produced by the end of this season.

Comments

[Ulltra]

Woodsworth? Come on, Rich.

[moss]

For reals Rich! SPELL CHECK BABY!!

[Natalie]

Wondering when we in Canada are going to get the show again , I truely enjoyed it

[Anita]

What is up with the Hogan Family?????? Brooke is spoiled past the point of return, and her brother......Just what the world needs, a rich suburban kid acting ghetto!!!!!! Come on dude, You are white!

[Anita]

What is up with the Hogan Family?????? Brooke is spoiled past the point of return, and her brother......Just what the world needs, a rich suburban kid acting ghetto!!!!!! Come on dude, You are white!

[Anita]

What is up with the Hogan Family?????? Brooke is spoiled past the point of return, and her brother......Just what the world needs, a rich suburban kid acting ghetto!!!!!! Come on dude, You are white!

[Tyler]

Did anyone see what type of energy drink Hogan was drinking...I think it was in this episode? My friends said it's probably that Hulk Hogan one, but I think it was BURN...it's a yellow can, and BURN's the only fully yellow can energy drink I've seen.

[KEISHA]

MUST BE NICE TO BE RICH

[tesha]

save your little girl from them old as men and work things out with your wife

[Jessica]

I love the hogans

[DEBRA YOUNG]

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE HOGANS AND WISH I COULD BE PART OF THE FAMILY PLEASE CALL IF YOU EVER NEED HELP IN THEHOUSE, IT IS BEAUTIFUL 856-740-1888

[DEBRA YOUNG]

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE HOGANS AND WISH I COULD BE PART OF THE FAMILY PLEASE CALL IF YOU EVER NEED HELP IN THEHOUSE, IT IS BEAUTIFUL 856-740-1888

[Hogan fan]

Please don't break up!!! You two are meant to be together! Your children love you and want you to work it out! We love you! Stay together!