There's no shortage of visual metaphors on I Love New York. No one's sprouted horns yet, but hey, we aren't even halfway through the season.
At the top of the show, the boys (and the viewing public, really) are treated to Chamo in construction-worker garb.
Expect an Indian headdress, cop gear and a sailor uniform to follow. Hopefully, he'll save the leather-daddy get-up for the finale. He's special like that. Chamo's message informs the boys that they'll be building something but it doesn't explain what. Basically, all it should have said was, "Go outside," because they do and New York's there to explain the challenge.
New York needs a handyman , but more importantly, Your Majesty needs a doghouse. Really? She's going to let that little dog sleep outside by herself? Why is it that Chihuahuas are always adopted by people who are really confident in their self-sufficiency? It's a dog, New York, not a dishwasher.
The guys are divided into three teams.
Foremen are chosen by masculine methods like Rock, Paper, Scissors and flipping a pack of cigarettes. They are 12 Pack, Tango and Rico. The winning team will go on a date with New York, and the winning foreman will get "something extra special." As New York says this, she turns around and sticks out her ass.
Can that even still be considered special at this point?
Mr. Boston voices early concern over the challenge, saying, "I am really nervous, because generally, I'm only good at using my hands on my own wood." He's probably lying -- Mr. Boston is exactly the type who'd fumble around even with himself and then feel the need to brag about it later.
Planning and chopping commences.
Mr. Boston suggests a sex room for Your Majesty. It's a dog, not a prostitute! Stop trying to corrupt her! His best idea, however, is picking his nose on camera for the second week in a row. You know the producers felt like they struck gold when they found Mr. Boston. Now the question is: did he?
Boston and Chance bicker the whole time. Chance takes exception to Boston's suggestion that there be a sex room and a drugs room. "The dog don't hit no blunts man, it's a damn pooch. What the damn pooch look like kickin' back, blowin' bleezies?" says Chance.
Thanks for explaining why that's ridiculous, Chance.
Meanwhile, there appears to be...tension between Heat and 12 Pack. Oh, they get along fine (basically 12 Pack tells Heat to jump, and Heat says, "Double or triple axle?"). It's just...tense. Heat compares their relationship to -- no joke -- Batman and Robin and does a weird motion with his fist.
Batman and Robin with homoerotic undertones in tow, then.
New York watches the guys work with their dangerous tools. In an interview she notes, "And that's sexy, because I wouldn't mind bringing that power saw into the bedroom at some point."
OK, what the hell could she even mean by that? Where is she going to put the power saw? Maybe even scarier: where isn't she going to put it?
The doghouses are done and here's what they look like:
Brilliant. Your Majesty seems to prefer the last one, which belongs to 12 Pack, Real and Heat. So it wins. The dates start almost immediately -- the guys will take turns spending time with New York, with Real taking up the cocktail portion, Heat sharing the meal and 12 Pack being there for dessert.
During cocktail hour with Real, New York freaks out about his hair.
And that's basically it.
Meanwhile, with the other guys, the Chance-Boston feud is brewing. Trash talk ping-pongs between them. Mr. Boston ends up calling Chance and his other doghouse teammate, Rico, "so retarded." Perhaps, but they aren't the ones picking their noses in front of millions of people every week, you know?
Then, it's Heat's turn to spend one-on-one time with New York. Heat, who it should be noted, is wearing a choker, says he's in a "happy mood" and then sticks his finger in his mouth.
His gestures are really incriminating, no?
Heat's bizarreness allows New York to shine. The first awesome thing she does in a post-date interview is throw up a sign for her name. She says that Heat before told her that he'd put his Mama and Yaya before "N.Y."
Damn, it must feel good to be a gangsta.
Then, New York notes that Heat's shifty eyes made him look as through he was suffering from a neurological disorder.
That shimmery, pink interview room is so often where the magic happens. Heat also does some weird thing where he talks like Liza Minelli about New York's "butter lips." Well, you know what they say: if you want to win a girl, impersonate Liza.
Meanwhile, Chance and Boston are creating some magic of their own. In at least the third gay-ish display of the episode, the guys hold Boston down so that Chance can shave his head. The hazing/shaving combination is a match made in fetish heaven.
Chance doesn't really shave Boston's head -- he sort of just touches it with the clippers. He nonetheless imitates Boston's reaction:
Apparently, Boston squirming against the weight of his ILNY brothers looks a lot like Willi Ninja (RIP!) working the runway. Go figure.
Finally, it is time for 12 Pack and New York's "dessert" date. As New York is "watching her figure" (so are we!), this dessert will go down in her bedroom.
She and 12 Pack will receive tantric instruction from one Taia Aaliyah.
Tantra: the forbidden dance.
New York cackles her way through, which is awesome, because what this woman is having them do looks pretty damn ridiculous. "To be quite frank, she's f***ing weird!" says New York in a post-tantra interview.
To be quite frank, the best thing that New York can do is start all of her sentences with, "To be quite frank..."
At one point, 12 Pack dips out to pee and the guys see him running around in jungle gear. This makes them curious. Very curious. Real decides that he's going to spy on them, so using a ladder on top of his failed doghouse, he climbs up to the balcony outside of New York's room and attempts to peak through the frosted glass. Good luck with that!
New York and 12 Pack catch wind of what's going on and confront Real on the balcony. However, no one really makes a big deal out of Real's peeping. And really, given New York's exhibitionist tendencies, of course they don't.
The date ends, everyone goes to bed except for 12 Pack and Heat, who stay up to drink. Well, to drink and to do this:
What on earth is going on and why is it blurred out?
Brokeback-inspired music plays in the background while Heat babbles sloppy nothings at 12 Pack and touches him.
"Just for some fact that you can lift weights, smoke cigarettes...and just for the fact you can do backflips f***ing smoking a surgit..." slurs Heat. Look, they found each other, OK?
The next morning, Sister Patterson comes in early to tell the boys to get up for church . This makes all of them unhappy, but especially Heat and 12 Pack who, if not still drunk, are massively hung over.
Heat's all, "O.J., I swear..."
On the way to church, Boston repeatedly puts his foot in his mouth while talking race with New York and Sister P.
He says questionable things about skin tone and talks about how light/dark his babies with New York would be. Sister P tries to make it seem that he's racist, but really, he's just awkward. His biggest offense is not shutting up. Sister P also brings up the topic of passing, and seems to imply that New York could pass for white. Uh, what? And if this were ever true, certainly it isn't after you've been on VH1. And really? People still pass?
They arrive at church, but Chance refuses to go in because he doesn't want to remove his hat. The resulting shot is as sad as a PSA...
Don't throw him away.
Inside church, Heat dozes off, which is amazing, considering the racket that Sister P drums up from the pulpit.
Seriously, she goes off, scream-singing "Praise him!" repeatedly.
If she and New York want to get into music, they should form a duo and call themselves Floozy and the Banshee.
This shrieking draws Chance into the church. And he ends up actually getting a hug from Sister P.
There's hope yet for that wacky pair!
At home, the generally mild-mannered Onix talks some smack on Sister P:
Uh, hellooooo, Onix. This is a reality show. Nothing is fake!
Rico gets all serious and says that Onix shouldn't be talking about anyone's mother.
Yeah, whatever. It's just an excuse to get someone kicked off. Tango and Rico report to New York and it works...
The lesson here, of course, is that even if you're fairly certain, never ever accuse a woman of faking it.
Heat also gets the boot...
New York's rationale is basically, "He's crazy." Crazy for Yaya!
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