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January 30, 2007
I Love New York Recap - Episode 4 - Men and their wood

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There's no shortage of visual metaphors on I Love New York. No one's sprouted horns yet, but hey, we aren't even halfway through the season.

At the top of the show, the boys (and the viewing public, really) are treated to Chamo in construction-worker garb.

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Expect an Indian headdress, cop gear and a sailor uniform to follow. Hopefully, he'll save the leather-daddy get-up for the finale. He's special like that. Chamo's message informs the boys that they'll be building something but it doesn't explain what. Basically, all it should have said was, "Go outside," because they do and New York's there to explain the challenge.

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New York needs a handyman Video_icon , but more importantly, Your Majesty needs a doghouse. Really? She's going to let that little dog sleep outside by herself? Why is it that Chihuahuas are always adopted by people who are really confident in their self-sufficiency? It's a dog, New York, not a dishwasher.

The guys are divided into three teams.

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Foremen are chosen by masculine methods like Rock, Paper, Scissors and flipping a pack of cigarettes. They are 12 Pack, Tango and Rico. The winning team will go on a date with New York, and the winning foreman will get "something extra special." As New York says this, she turns around and sticks out her ass.

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Can that even still be considered special at this point?

Mr. Boston voices early concern over the challenge, saying, "I am really nervous, because generally, I'm only good at using my hands on my own wood." He's probably lying -- Mr. Boston is exactly the type who'd fumble around even with himself and then feel the need to brag about it later.

Planning and chopping commences.

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Mr. Boston suggests a sex room for Your Majesty. It's a dog, not a prostitute! Stop trying to corrupt her! His best idea, however, is picking his nose on camera for the second week in a row. You know the producers felt like they struck gold when they found Mr. Boston. Now the question is: did he?

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Boston and Chance bicker the whole time. Chance takes exception to Boston's suggestion that there be a sex room and a drugs room. "The dog don't hit no blunts man, it's a damn pooch. What the damn pooch look like kickin' back, blowin' bleezies?" says Chance.

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Thanks for explaining why that's ridiculous, Chance.

Meanwhile, there appears to be...tension between Heat and 12 Pack. Oh, they get along fine (basically 12 Pack tells Heat to jump, and Heat says, "Double or triple axle?"). It's just...tense. Heat compares their relationship to -- no joke -- Batman and Robin and does a weird motion with his fist.

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Batman and Robin with homoerotic undertones in tow, then.

New York watches the guys work with their dangerous tools. In an interview she notes, "And that's sexy, because I wouldn't mind bringing that power saw into the bedroom at some point."

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OK, what the hell could she even mean by that? Where is she going to put the power saw? Maybe even scarier: where isn't she going to put it?

The doghouses are done and here's what they look like:

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Brilliant. Your Majesty seems to prefer the last one, which belongs to 12 Pack, Real and Heat. So it wins. The dates start almost immediately -- the guys will take turns spending time with New York, with Real taking up the cocktail portion, Heat sharing the meal and 12 Pack being there for dessert.

During cocktail hour with Real, New York freaks out about his hair.

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And that's basically it.

Meanwhile, with the other guys, the Chance-Boston feud is brewing. Trash talk ping-pongs between them. Mr. Boston ends up calling Chance and his other doghouse teammate, Rico, "so retarded." Perhaps, but they aren't the ones picking their noses in front of millions of people every week, you know?

Then, it's Heat's turn to spend one-on-one time with New York. Heat, who it should be noted, is wearing a choker, says he's in a "happy mood" and then sticks his finger in his mouth.

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His gestures are really incriminating, no?

Heat's bizarreness allows New York to shine. The first awesome thing she does in a post-date interview is throw up a sign for her name. She says that Heat before told her that he'd put his Mama and Yaya before "N.Y."

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Damn, it must feel good to be a gangsta.

Then, New York notes that Heat's shifty eyes made him look as through he was suffering from a neurological disorder.

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That shimmery, pink interview room is so often where the magic happens. Heat also does some weird thing where he talks like Liza Minelli about New York's "butter lips." Well, you know what they say: if you want to win a girl, impersonate Liza.

Meanwhile, Chance and Boston are creating some magic of their own. In at least the third gay-ish display of the episode, the guys hold Boston down so that Chance can shave his head. The hazing/shaving combination is a match made in fetish heaven.

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Chance doesn't really shave Boston's head -- he sort of just touches it with the clippers. He nonetheless imitates Boston's reaction:

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Apparently, Boston squirming against the weight of his ILNY brothers looks a lot like Willi Ninja (RIP!) working the runway. Go figure.

Finally, it is time for 12 Pack and New York's "dessert" date. As New York is "watching her figure" (so are we!), this dessert will go down in her bedroom.

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She and 12 Pack will receive tantric instruction from one Taia Aaliyah.

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Tantra: the forbidden dance.

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New York cackles her way through, which is awesome, because what this woman is having them do looks pretty damn ridiculous. "To be quite frank, she's f***ing weird!" says New York in a post-tantra interview.

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To be quite frank, the best thing that New York can do is start all of her sentences with, "To be quite frank..."

At one point, 12 Pack dips out to pee and the guys see him running around in jungle gear. This makes them curious. Very curious. Real decides that he's going to spy on them, so using a ladder on top of his failed doghouse, he climbs up to the balcony outside of New York's room and attempts to peak through the frosted glass. Good luck with that!

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New York and 12 Pack catch wind of what's going on and confront Real on the balcony. However, no one really makes a big deal out of Real's peeping. And really, given New York's exhibitionist tendencies, of course they don't.

The date ends, everyone goes to bed except for 12 Pack and Heat, who stay up to drink. Well, to drink and to do this:

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What on earth is going on and why is it blurred out?

Brokeback-inspired music plays in the background while Heat babbles sloppy nothings at 12 Pack and touches him.

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"Just for some fact that you can lift weights, smoke cigarettes...and just for the fact you can do backflips f***ing smoking a surgit..." slurs Heat. Look, they found each other, OK?

The next morning, Sister Patterson comes in early to tell the boys to get up for church Video_icon . This makes all of them unhappy, but especially Heat and 12 Pack who, if not still drunk, are massively hung over.

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Heat's all, "O.J., I swear..."

On the way to church, Boston repeatedly puts his foot in his mouth while talking race with New York and Sister P.

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He says questionable things about skin tone and talks about how light/dark his babies with New York would be. Sister P tries to make it seem that he's racist, but really, he's just awkward. His biggest offense is not shutting up. Sister P also brings up the topic of passing, and seems to imply that New York could pass for white. Uh, what? And if this were ever true, certainly it isn't after you've been on VH1. And really? People still pass?

They arrive at church, but Chance refuses to go in because he doesn't want to remove his hat. The resulting shot is as sad as a PSA...

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Don't throw him away.

Inside church, Heat dozes off, which is amazing, considering the racket that Sister P drums up from the pulpit.

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Seriously, she goes off, scream-singing "Praise him!" repeatedly.

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If she and New York want to get into music, they should form a duo and call themselves Floozy and the Banshee.

This shrieking draws Chance into the church. And he ends up actually getting a hug from Sister P.

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There's hope yet for that wacky pair!

At home, the generally mild-mannered Onix talks some smack on Sister P:

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Uh, hellooooo, Onix. This is a reality show. Nothing is fake!

Rico gets all serious and says that Onix shouldn't be talking about anyone's mother.

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Yeah, whatever. It's just an excuse to get someone kicked off. Tango and Rico report to New York and it works...

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The lesson here, of course, is that even if you're fairly certain, never ever accuse a woman of faking it.

Heat also gets the boot...

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New York's rationale is basically, "He's crazy." Crazy for Yaya!


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Comments
ASHLEY

I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD TELL NEWYORK THAT SHE IS NOT ALL OF THAT AND THAT SHE SHOULD NOT LET HER MAMA COME ON THE SHOW IN THAT CHURCH ACT LIKE A FOOL LIKE THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS IN THAT CHURCH TALKING ABOUT.

ASHLEY

I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD TELL NEWYORK THAT SHE IS NOT ALL OF THAT AND THAT SHE SHOULD NOT LET HER MAMA COME ON THE SHOW IN THAT CHURCH ACT LIKE A FOOL LIKE THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS IN THAT CHURCH TALKING ABOUT.

ASHLEY

I DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD HAVE SENT ONIEX HOME BECAUSE HE CALLED HER MAMA WHAT SHE WAS A FACK I THINK SHE SHOULD HAVE SENT ONE OF THOSE OTHER CLOWNS HOME

lily

good chose new york. chance is really the right one for you. i just hope he can lightin' up and get your mother's blessin'.onix had no right tryna dis yo mom like that. when it comes to got to god no body is fakin' even if they try to, you just can't. he was just out of line to do that.( now all you need to do is get rid of Mr. Boston, 12 pack, tango, and any one else except fo chance. he's the one.

lily

good chose new york. chance is really the right one for you. i just hope he can lightin' up and get your mother's blessin'.onix had no right tryna dis yo mom like that. when it comes to got to god no body is fakin' even if they try to, you just can't. he was just out of line to do that.( now all you need to do is get rid of Mr. Boston, 12 pack, tango, and any one else except fo chance. he's the one.

lily

good chose new york. chance is really the right one for you. i just hope he can lightin' up and get your mother's blessin'.onix had no right tryna dis yo mom like that. when it comes to got to god no body is fakin' even if they try to, you just can't. he was just out of line to do that.( now all you need to do is get rid of Mr. Boston, 12 pack, tango, and any one else except fo chance. he's the one.

juanay

i luv your show i watch it every time it comes on it is sooooo funny i almost pee on my self i am your biggest fan u are so popular in my schoo magnolia middle hope u can drop buy sometimes it is in harford county, maryland hope to see u princess p.s princess is wat my daddy calls me, bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............

Tad

Are you kidding Mr boston is the best he is one of the funniest guys there i hope she keeps him around cause he is hilarious

Brandon

I think that New York is the Bomb and I LOVE HER to death...I think that Tango should win cause he is the most into her I believe or 12 pack the other ones are faking it...Boston lied to mom's about going to church...he had never been...thats not right...and Chance and Real...they can't split her...they want a tagteam...

louise coard

i love you show new york i think that chane is sexy as hell and tango is palying you girl you are to goood for that rico he is also pretty good but 12pack got them big ass balls better get them girl you cool mr. boston he is a freak in a way

vettes

i aint lyin but you might as well eliminate the other rest of those goofballs and just pick between
CHANCE AND REAL! damn the een just fine the fuckin
hype.
if u een wan um send dem rite here cuz u gat summtin
good. u cud not have got better lookin men!

 da vettes in da damn building u cud breathe now

i aint lyin but you might as well eliminate the other rest of those goofballs and just pick between
CHANCE AND REAL! damn the een just fine they fuckin
gat it goin on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if u een wan um send dem rite here cuz u gat summtin
good. u cud not have got better lookin men!
while plaiting REAL'S hair u cud be layin on
CHANCE'S chest. Holla!

JAMIE J.

NEW YORK DO YOUR THING GURL U MY IDOL!!! U DA SHIT AND U KNOW I FEEL U GURL REP WHATCHA YA GOT BABY GIRL SO DO IT TO IT SHOW THEM FELLAS WHATS UP

Devans00

Too Hilarious. I can't believe you invoked Willie Ninja. I LOVED Paris is Burning.

You were way too easy on Heat and 12 pack though. Chamo was one of the best looking in his wife beater though.

melissa

listen up i think that new york should choose chance but i reall y like mr.boston even though he is nerdy i really like him!!

melissa

listen up i think that new york should choose chance but i reall y like mr.boston even though he is nerdy i really like him!!

Dinieta

NEW YORK u are the biggest insane female BUST DOWN I ever seen in my life. You are very ignorant and uneducated I guess the fruit dont fall far from the tree with your evil devil undercover ass momma. I wish we can meet in person so I could knock some of those teeth out your BIGGG ASSS MOUTH!!!

Dinieta

As far as the show go, I wish yo dumb ass pick who ever and they leave yo moose grimmlin lookin ass. What they dont know is u aint got shit, but a few dollars if the show recieve good ratings.Tell yo momma she needs to find a man other than that dope fiend she brought to flavs crib. Yo momma look like she jumped out of a grave with dat hand me dowm wig on.

Amanda

12 Pack is soo hot!

LovelyLady

I Agree with Dinieta, I think New York should get an education, learn how to speak clearly. It's pretty sad for a women putting herself in that postion saying she looking for love and a man to take care of her. You need to take care of yourself. I realy dont Know what the heck your MOTHER is doing on the show dosent she have a live? She must not, or is she looking for her own show? If you have never dated a caucasian nerdy male I suggest you try it, there is something about them and once you give them some you will drive them crazy, they love Latin women like myself. So New York alittle advise carry yourself like a lady in public and freak when the the doors are closed. You will be surprise how much you can get out of any one of them. But remember always a strong Lady, take a real good look at yourself in the mirror before you call herself a lady.

trick please

Thanks Rich for making my day. You do not know how many times I've refreshed this page.

Could this show be any more scripted? Chance's redemption by merely stepping inside the church? SO now 'he aiight' with Sister Fivehead? WTF? Must be written by the same jokers who write 'Passions'.

Mr Boston, I cringe when he opens his mouth because I just know he's going to say the wrong thing. Poor baby. Somebody's gonna kick his ass before this show ends.

I will miss Onix's body. You know Heat and 12-pack will hook up later

trick please

P.S. Chance looks a lot like Chester Cheetah (cheetos) in that black wife beater and sunglasses

yolanda

hey there i just love the NY show. I am from NY as well and I think NY ( Tiffany) is working that shit, GO GURL..... Them other bytches is hating and I see why. Anyway do what u do NY and if I were you I would pick that sexy ass CHANCE, cuz baby got good hair, he sexy as hell and he a thug, UUMMMMMMMMM!!!

Monique

I wanted to say that this is the worst and most blatant case of staged drama I have ever seen. Dang New York when did your momma become the saint of the stars. I remember how horrible she was to flav...but maybe that was part of the act to get you a show. I can say that at least she is getting paid for her drama. But she may want to check some scriptures before she starts dogging others. I would say she falls more on the Holy Roller side (Yes I am siding with Onix) than true christianity. I have to admit that I thought it would be nice to see some men prancing around and not T&A but this show is no where the caliber of Flavor of Love at all.

Shanta

New York I was leaving a comment to let you know that I really think you deserve love because everyone does,news flash you are not all that. I dont see how they even got guys to come on the show. you sent the guy home because he said that his yaya would eat before you. Who do you think you are. Another thing grow up and stop letting your mom make decisions for you. Advice maybe if you stop being so stubborn all the time you will find true love.

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