There's a hell of a lot of smoke and screeching from here on out.

The start of the episode finds the Hogans at the Nopi Nationals, a car show at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. Here, in what would seem like an unlikely garden, a seed grows.

That seed is the idea in Nick's head that will blossom into perhaps a career, but for now, an episode of Hogan Knows Best: drift-racing aspirations. Nick tries out driving, but not before Linda dotes over him:

These flashes of utter realness make the show.

And so the seed is planted: Nick wants to pursue a career in drift-car racing . Terry has reservations, as Nick has professed interests in other fields, all of which have since been abandoned. Terry wonders what's next: "Rock star? Movie star? Porn star?" Oooh! The latter should make a very special episode of Hogan Knows Best. Toss wholesomeness in the backseat, Hogans!

But for now, it remains upfront: Nick pursues the squeaky clean field of racing by first taking lessons with Bobby Ore.

 

Bobby Ore is so butch that it's almost amazing that he doesn't introduce himself by saying, "Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn."

Bobby shows off drifting by having Terry stand on a course. Bobby drifts all around Terry, coming close to him, but never touching him.

Amazing.

Nick gets in the car. Smoke and squeaking commence. Nick hits a few cones, but in the end Bobby tells him that he detects "basic talent." Encouraging!

So encouraging that later at home, Nick tells Terry that he wants his own drift car.

A drift car today, an Oompa Loompa tomorrow. Terry tells Nick that they'll instead take things slow -- their hands are on the parking break, so to speak.

Except not really because then, Terry gets a call offering Nick a chance to practice at the Irwindale Speedway -- if it goes well, Nick could end up with his own Viper to race.

It does, and so Nick decides that it's time to get his Formula D license, which would allow him to race professionally.

Apparently, you can't just walk into the DMV and wait on line for 10 hours to get this license -- it calls for an event that draws budding racers far and wide. Budding racers, that is, with chips on their shoulders.

This guy talks some smack about Nick Hogan coming out of nowhere and not having to work his way up to where he is now. Dude, you probably should save your hating for when the only thing separating your face from an IHOP dish isn't a 10-lb. car jack. Just a thought!

More grousing occurs:

This exchange is kind of classic:

Stranger: You got a free Viper.
Nick: It's not any easier to drift…
Stranger: Yeah, but it's a free car.

Ha! People's hard work for their cars makes them feel entitled to complain about Nick Hogan's entitlement. It's a petty hierarchy if ever there was.

Anyway, Nick practices for a while to warm up before his drivers test. However, he hits a wall and damages the Viper he's in. Everyone freaks out because there's really no time to spare -- if Nick wants to have the chance to race in the coming year, he needs to get his license today, and he needs to take the test to get that license by 5. He's broken a spindle and there's not a replacement to be found. Automodrama! Terry phones in to a dealer that happens to have a Viper -- he asks if he can borrow it for one of the spindles, which will be put on the racing Viper for Nick's test and then put back on the commercial Viper. The dealer agrees, and doesn't even make him fill out paperwork. All those po-faced racers that bitched about the Hogan privilege are gonna love this.

The spindle swap happens, and Nick speeds back to the speedway. He finds out, however, that the track has been rearranged since he practiced earlier in the day. Automoblasphemy! Nick gets off to a shaky start, and things go totally to hell when he hits the wall -- again.

Brooke and Linda freak out.

And Nick thwarts a familial public display of affection yet again.

The car accident was worth it just for that shot.

In the end, Nick doesn't get his license, but Terry says that this is a good thing: if everything comes easy, it doesn't mean as much. Terry had to fight for his fame , and look where it landed him!

Because what fun is owning an Oompa Loompa if you don't have to wrestle it into submission, anyway?

Comments

[zachretox]

A couple things:

A - Despite not evening having a license and getting the keys to a 500hp+ viper to drift... Nick didn't do half-bad.

B - Despite facing the (justified imho) pooptalking of his peers, Nick took it in stride by (wisely) stfu'ing.

C - I still laughed when he crashed. TWICE.

[Princess]

I am glad that Nick is pursuing what he wants to do although i don't think it will last. I think if he really wants to pursue this then he should just continue with more classes and get the license that way rather than taking a short class and trying to get a license when he was clearly not ready! I am glad that the family is sticking behind him cause that is what family is supposed to do. I think he desire to do something else will come real soon! Love the show!

[G. Clayton Taylor]

it's funny how you call these peoples feelings about Nick petty and pooptalk (what!?) but they have an absolute valid point, it's called paying your dues and the sentiment is something Nick will never, ever have to do because he's daddy's little boy and daddy will always step in and make phone calls or whatever. Nick will grow up, but he'll never be a man as long as his father is there to cushion every little fall!

[dj]

I wonder if the dealer discounted that USED Viper & if he came clean to the customer who bought it-after all it no longer was straight from the factory-Daddy warbucks should've just bought the damn thing like he does everything else Nick wants

[dj]

I think it's great to stick by and support your kids TO A DEGREE-but I think they(parents)go abit to far-how many 16yr olds have PAID THEIR DUES and EARNED the career that Nick thinks he wants this week-Hulk should have bought the car then made Nick repay him for it-I think-NO I KNOW I see at least 2 silver spoons in a couple of mouths

[dj]

Again with the beer-geez are u like this every day? If so,u should start thinking about AA, friend-u may not think u HAVE a PROBLEM-but to viewers and kids don't ya think we notice how much u down and how often ur with a beer can in ur hand? But again, most likely when ur in a fender bender-or seriously injury or kill someone, a friend? a stranger? a senior citizen? a family? a soldier just back from Iraq,or maybe that sweet little child in the back seat you'll remember this-let's both hope it's the fender bender. Not preachin' just statin'

[Freddy Munster]

Drifting is a fad and you shouldn't try to build a career or livelihood around it.

[Realist]

Nice way to raise your kids, Hulk! You blatantly lied to professionals and said Nick had much experience on the track, you didn't even give a rat's *** that he cracked up an incredibly expensive car, and there was no lesson learned here except "everything my kids do is great no matter how lame they are".

[JD]

First of all I don't even know the show, I was linked to here from a racing site. But as an amateur race driver I must say I'm glad he didnt qualify. The guy laying under the car worked for that car, carried his tools and spares in the backseat, is his own mechanic, and probably drove his car to the track. That is a true driver, spending countless hours and scrouging up any money he can get tuning and fixing his car. Unlike this little kid who has a champoinship winning, professionally maintained and set up car, along with all the spares and crew he could possibly need, for free. Those other drivers deserve to be there, he doesn't.