We now return to our regularly scheduled sobriety.

The first thing you should know about this final episode of Breaking Bonaduce, Season 2 is that it contains no meltdowns. Danny doesn't even come close, so this will be quick.

We start with Gretchen and Danny talking to Dr. Garry about the seeming relapse of last week's episode.

No one's freaking out, though. Danny calmly explains that when he ordered his singing cranberry juice, he was out of Gretchen's line of sight. The temptation was great, he succumbed. Standard issue. Gretchen thinks it's great that Danny told he right away -- he's making progress in honesty. Dr. Garry notes that Danny's sobriety was happening so fast that he felt uneasy. "This makes it more real," he tells the couple. No, silly, the cameras make it more real.

And then what happens next is, uh, unexpected. Danny informs us that he's going to be baptized.

"That's the answer! I don't have to quit! We can kill Danny and have him born again, and he'll be born a guy who doesn't lie and cheat and take drugs." Eueka! ...Er...really? That's how it works? It sounds like the plot of some crazy TV show. Oh, wait...

But before the Danny slaying: rehab!

In what seems like an outpatient stint, Danny serves food.

Well, not feeding exactly. That would be some finale, Danny doing, "Open up, here comes the plane!" for his recovering brothers.

Instead, he sits with them and talks to them about addiction.

He shares details of his boozing, using and losing lifestyle. He is not unlike Florrie Fisher right about now.

After rehab, Danny talks to his sober friend, Jason.

Jason isn't feeling Danny's optimism. "This whole baptism thing is all good, but it ain't gonna keep you sober, dude." Preach, Jason.

At least Danny's in high spirits, though. That is, until he gets word from his physician that there's some question stemming from his recent blood work. Once Danny's in the office, his doctor explains that Danny's blood work suggests that Danny's at risk for a stroke and/or a heart attack. The doctor suggests that Danny quit smoking. After leaving the office, Danny explains that it "unfortunately seems almost appropriate" that he's getting this news before being baptized into "a whole new life." Or maybe it suggests that there's no such thing as getting rid of your "old life," as you'll always have to pay the price for what took place in it. Take your pick.

Anyway, the big day of baptism has almost arrived, which means Gretchen's family and Danny's mom come into town. Danny's mother hassles him about this rocker-esque jewelry, all skulls and crosses.

She's right, it makes for a jarring juxtaposition in a religious context:

On the way to the baptism, Danny's mom proves her awesomeness once and for all, when talking about the upcoming baptisim (or, really, how people will react to it):

"I'll be really happy when people say to me, 'I saw your son on the television show,' and they don't look apologetic." Please, someone, give this woman a spin-off. Dante, this season's break-out star, can be her sidekick.

They arrive at the baptism and immediately, you can tell it's going to be quite the affair.

Not pictured in that shot: the choir.

Yeah, it's like that.

So, in an unforgettable conclusion to an unforgettable show, Danny gets a full-body baptism:

It just goes to show that even with his drinking and drugging behind him, Danny is unpredictable as ever. No matter how many times he's dipped in holy water, he'll still be Danny Bonaduce...being dipped in holy water.

What's next for Danny and his family? Who knows? The beauty of this family as a pop-cultural artifact is that if we could predict what's next, we simply wouldn't be talking about the Bonaduces.

Comments

[Kim]

Rich clearly does not have an understanding of the power of God. Neither does Danny's sponsor. None of that crap was working for him until he started going to church -- not the counseling, clearly not the rehab (that sent him straight to hell as soon as he left), and not AA (which I've always seen as a place for drug addicts and alcoholics to meet other drug addicts and alcoholics -- AKA resources for their next binge). After Danny went to church, Gretchen commented that she had never known him to be so at peace. You can see it in him in the final episodes, too. It makes sense that for him to clean up, he needs to be around other clean people, not a bunch of drunks, etc.

I do think Gretchen could be more supportive and quit drinking herself. Why tempt him by having wine right in front of him? I'm not saying everyone should quit drinking around him, but you'd think his wife would. And why go to bars at all?

[antwan zulu]

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[Barbara Reid]

I agree with you Kim

[Laprns]

Trackback, if the power of your god is going to "save Danny" from drinking, why is it a problem for Gretchen to drink in front of him? Some sublime being has removed the need/want to drink or has it placed a cloaking device on him?

[tundrababe]

Great recap Rich - your observations are on-the-money, as they generally always are.

[Dean]

I think this is a family that could make it. They just need a little more time together, and away from the hoop-law of hollywood. I wish them all the best in the world.

Dean

[sandra bernal]

I feel so sorry for this man. He has lead this life of distruction for so long that he has hurt the people most closes to him. I can see that deep down inside he does want to change. But it takes lots of currage and consistency to get away from a life of distruction.