Scales don't lie, and neither do dress sizes. Carnie, on the other hand...

...oh well. Maybe it's that she's way too expressive to be bound to the truth.

Before we get to see Carnie's pants go up in flames, our concern is burned calories. Bone Crusher is the first CFCer to face the judges this episode. Last time, he weighed 381 lbs. His target for this time was 5 lbs. Bone hits the scale, and...

4 lbs. down!

Bone says that beyond the show, his target is 300 lbs. That isn't enough for Dr. Ian, who thinks that Bone should set an even higher (or in the crazy, upside down world of weight-loss, lower) goal. Dr. Linda wonders aloud if Bone sees himself as a big guy and therefore is reluctant to lose his identity along with the pounds (or something). She says his personality is feisty, but what's most important is the visual that comes with that:

Grrrr! It's a feisty Dr. Linda. She assures Bone that he'll still be "Bone the Monster" no matter how small he gets. She means this as a compliment.

Harvey reminds Bone of their recent street b-ball game -- early on in the competition, Harvey told Bone they'd play a game of one-on-one once Bone dropped below 400 lbs. And since that happened a few weeks ago (a-hem, Harvey), this game took place. So they hit the court and...

...played...

...or wrestled...

...or something.

In the end, Harvey beat Bone 11-2. However...

Everyone's a winner! Remember: it doesn't matter if you win or lose on Celebrity Fit Club, it's how sweaty your shirt gets.

Bone's target for next time is 5 lbs.

Before we get to the next contestant, it's time for the Fit Camp challenge. It's pretty straightforward this time, which means no fake fires or horse poopie. The teams have to participate in a mini-triathlon, relay-style. The first leg involves Tina and Carnie swimming...

Tina doggie paddles and it's actually effective. Crazy and upside down world, indeed! Meanwhile, Carnie struggles.

In the next event, Vinny and Erika go head-to-head on bikes.

Erika pulls ahead and puts the Blue team in the lead. After Erika and Vinny's turn, it's Bone Crusher vs. Angie. Though Bone maintains Erika's lead, Angie proves formidable and keeps Bone's pace. She even takes the bike around for one more lap than expected -- Angie officially has turned over a new leaf in the competition and she has a pair of handlebars to thank. Well, handlebars and a go-getter attitude.

In the final event, Nick and Ted face off for a one-mile run. Nick's handed the proverbial baton minutes before Ted, so he has such an advantage that he can walk some of the way. He pulls it together, though, and sprints the final lap, eventually leading the blue team to victory.

Good thing. If he lost, he might have maimed one of those cones in the background.

Back at the panel, Nick recaps his victory. "I was runnin' like a tiger," he explains.

A tiger in desperate search of a bathroom.

Before Nick faces the judges, we're treated to a delightful segment in which he and his family go shopping to find him something to wear to the beach. Nick apparently likes his swimwear skimpy. His kids are suitably (ha!) embarrassed.

Have subtitles ever been more merciful?

Nick decides that he wants the world to know that yellow is his color.

Winner? Him or the viewers: you decide.

Finally, it's Nick's turn for weigh-in. Last time, he weighed 160. His target for this time was 3 lbs.

Just 1 lb. off!

When questioned about his feelings on weight-loss as he gets closer to his goal, Nick reveals more internal dialog. "It's sorta like I'm at a weight I feel comfortable at, so it's like tellin' me, 'No,' and I'm sayin' 'Yeah.' It's sayin', 'No,' I'm sayin', 'Yeah.'" Do you think that any of Nick's soliloquies begin, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well"? Or maybe, "Am I being as considerate to others as possible with my choice of swimwear?" If it isn't the last one, it should be, according to Harvey: "I don't know 'bout them doggone Speedos." Ha! Harvey adds insult to eye sore, telling Nick to work on his body before putting on the barely legal briefs. Or how 'bout just joining '06 and buying a pair of board shorts?

Nick's target for next time is 3 lbs.

Next up is Vinny, who at the time of filming, had just celebrated a birthday (he turned 60). Last time, Vinny weighed 255 lbs. His target for this time was 5 lbs.

Weight-loss is the best birthday gift of all!

Vinny notes that he promised that if and when his weight dipped below 250 lbs., he'd dance. He says this as though it's intended for our entertainment. When he chooses Erika and does a romantic shuffle, it's clear that it's for his entertainment.

For his birthday, Dr. Ian gives Vinny a pedometer and Harvey gives him a cap.

Très militaristic. No?

Vinny's target for next time is 4 lbs.

Next is Angie. Before she faces the judges, we see footage of her on tour and eating healthy.

And having a ball! A word to the wise: when Angie's looking at you like this, it's best to keep your distance and let her enjoy her healthy snack.

Angie's show got a boost from Dr. Ian.

He's a doctor by day and a dancer by night.

It's time for Angie to face the panel. Last time, she weighed 214 lbs. Her target for this time was 4 lbs.

More than 4!

Angie's renewed progress and brightened spirit prompts Harvey to proclaim that "this is a new damn Angie." Everyone can agree that new damn Angie is a lot more pleasant than old damn Angie. Angie's target for next time is 6 lbs.

Now it's Tina's turn. Last time, Tina weighed in at 161 lbs. Her target for this time was 4 lbs.

Whoops.

Tina explains that an injury kept her from exercising as much as she would have since last time. Dr. Ian reminds her that she's still leading on the percentage-of-body-weight-loss front, but that Erika is nipping at Tina's heels. It's just about a literal statement as Erika gladly bares her teeth to show how serious she is about beating Tina.

Tina says she isn't afraid (but don't be surprised if she's wearing extra padding around her ankles next time!).

Tina's target is 4 lbs.

Nippy Erika goes in front of the judges next. Last time she was at 130 lbs. Her target was 4 lbs.

Nope.

Erika's percentage of body-weight loss is up to 15 now -- Tina's, in contrast, is 16.5. No matter how this goes, however, Erika says that participating in CFC is among the Top 5 experiences of her life. Everyone gets a little misty over this, especially Dr. Linda, who, it should be noted, has not mentioned sex, passion or bedrooms once this episode. She's got to put her emotions somewhere -- if not in suggestive language, then in tears.

Erika's target for next time is 4 lbs.

It's Carnie's turn next, but before her weigh-in, we see video of Harvey and Dr. Ian smuggling her to a polgyraph test. Carnie has lost only 2 lbs., in the past month, and all the while, has said that she's kept up with her exercise and diet. Harvey and Dr. Ian aren't buying the reduced-calorie dish she's serving and want to know for sure if she's telling the truth. They hook her up to the machine...

...and this guy...

...basically determines that she hasn't been dieting or exercising like she says she has. It took a machine to figure that out?

Back at panel, Carnie responds to the allegations of the polygraph...

The moral of the episode? If you can't look as thin as you'd like, look as weird as you'd like.

It's Carnie's turn to be weighed in. Last time, she weighed 172 lbs. Her target for this time was 4 lbs.

She hit it!

When asked what was different about this time, Carnie says, "I exercised my ass off." Her face, too!

Carnie's target for next time is 4 lbs.

Finally, Ted goes up for his weigh in. Last time, he was at 164 lbs. This time, his target was only to maintain that, as he's hit his goal for the show.

He did it!

Ted says he's happy coasting on this weight and focusing on toning. Dr. Ian, however, urges Ted to push harder and lose even more weight, if not for his own good, than for the good of his team. Harvey chimes in and Ted exclaims, "The brothers done teamed up against the old man!" He finally relents and agrees to attempt to lose more. Ted's target for next time is 3 lbs.

The teams then make their way to the giant, soothsaying scales and...

A rare win for Hot Buttered Soul! However, Fat Crushers are still living up to their name, overall.

With just one show left, can Hot Buttered Soul turn things around? It may all come down to Ted's promise to lose more weight -- let's hope he isn't blowing smoke up everyone's googies.

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Comments

[Crippy's Mom]

Carnie is as irritating as it gets! You lied, admit it and move on, you contorted-face, whiny biyotch

[Robin]

Ithink loosing any amount of weight isn't easy for anyone. I have personally lost 50 lbs over a period 1 year and it wasnt easy. but all the bitching and whinning like babies aside i thought everone has done a awsome job and hope that eveyone keeps mataing their weight in a positive and healthy manner. Good luck guys!

[Afrobella]

I am so proud of Angie for turning it around. She's totally motivating me to get my ass off the couch. Thanks for making CFC so damn funny, Rich!