On this week's episode of Celebrity Fit Club: ups and downs all around. We find out a little too much information from Ted Lange, we see clouds roll over the 24-hour sunshine that is Carnie Wilson and we worry that the battle of the bulge is being overtaken by the battle of the bulging vein on Nick Turturro's forehead. Oh yeah, he's still freaking out.

This week's Fit Camp challenge finds the CFCers making like firefighters at the Ventura County Regional Firefighting Training Center. Except, of course, the main objective is not to extinguish but to make those calories burn, baby, burn. Chili Con Carnie (Carnie Wilson, Vincent Pastore, Tina Yothers and Ted Lange) are in red, while the Fat Crushers (Bone Crusher, Angie Stone, Nick Turturro and Erika Eleniak) are in blue. The teams huff, puff and attempt to put out bonfires using buckets of waters for the first event. The CCCs win it. The second event is the hose pull, which our faithful host Ant takes delight in announcing.

He looks just like a real firefighter! (Note the popped collar.)

Both teams struggle through the hose pull, a relay race that ultimately requires a member of each team to shoot water at boards in windows. As neither team can knock all the boards down, this contest ends in a draw.

The third and final event is called the dummy rescue and tower climb, which basically requires everyone to take turns dragging a dummy through the course and up a tower.

But the most notable thing about this challenge is Bone Crusher's brush with nudity.

Thank god for censorship. Crack kills, man.

Ultimately, the Fat Crushers win the event...

(Well, maybe...Bone's either choking or winning. Hard to say.)

However, because the Fat Crushers took much longer to complete the first even than the CCCs, the CCCs win this week's Fit Camp challenge. This, of course, sends Nick into a rage, but then, he basically trash talked his way throughout the entire challenge, anyway.

"C'mon!" "C'mon!" "It's still going, look at it. LOOK. AT. IT!"

"Maybe our string was a little stronger than their string."

And, everyone's new favorite insult: "Up your googie, dere, Isaac!" OK, what's a googie and who's Isaac? Does Nick even know? And check out Harvey in the background -- is that a smile he's cracking? It's that ridiculous. Are pigs going to fly out of Nick's mouth next episode?

So anyway, the point is that this challenge was a trash-talking good time. It always is with Nick around!

And now, onto the weight loss...

Erika

A newly honey-locked Erika hits her loss of 5 lbs.

But just because she's blonde doesn't mean she's having more fun. We see footage of Erika at a photo shoot, which finds her looking hot...

...but not as hot as she'd like.

"When I look at this picture, I just go, 'Yaaaa.'" If you turn to the "Yaaa" entry in your Baywatch-to-English dictionary, you'll see that it's not a good thing. Erika has a way to go before she can rock the bombshell bod that helped make her famous. Her target loss for next time is 3 lbs.

Vincent

Vincent's lost 5 lbs., but he misses his target -- he was supposed to lose 6.

It's not for lack of devotion to fitness, though, as we see an incident in which a hottie was brought in to throw him off at the gym.

Ha! Vincent didn't take the bait. She barely got his heart rate up...

So, what gives? Is Vincent giving up his status as a ladies man for a life of fitness? Probably not. Back at panel, he explains, "If you're gonna send somebody to try and pick me up, don't send a little kid." Oh snap! Vincent likes his women mature! Next time, the panel should send in Bea Arthur. She'd really throw him off.

Vincent's target loss is 5 lbs.

Angie

Down from 217, Angie's current weight of 212 lbs., means she's hit her target.

What's her secret? Well, here's at least part of it:

"Me and egg whites have a relationship now." Get your mind out of the gutter: they're just really, really good friends.

Good old egg whites -- they're loyal till death. They don't call 'em the health-conscious man's best friend for nothing.

Angie's target weight loss is 4 lbs.

Nick

Now 5 lbs. lighter, Nick's actually gone beyond his target by a pound. Good thing -- who knows what kinda googie he'd kick if he didn't hit his target.

Instead of freaking out at the panel, as he's wont to do, Nick merely relates a story which finds him...freaking out. Someone said something at his son's little league game that Nick took major exception to...

"I coulda, y'know, really choked the guy if I wasn't, like, maybe working out and exercising. I felt like punching the guy, I felt like punching one of these people. But I didn't." Whew! Good thing. Nick goes further to explain what it's like to hit his boiling point.

"Yay, d-d-d-dah...

...duh duh dot...

...daaaa! Y'know, be like, it's crazy." He said it!

With that useful information out of the way, Nick's target is 4 lbs.

Carnie

Carnie did not hit her target -- she was to lose 5 lbs., but she only lost 3.

That's not the only wall she hit, however -- Carnie attempted to do some indoor rock climbing, we find out. She barely made it halfway up.

However, she was successful in her attempts at humor.

"This girl over there has the widest space between her thighs I've ever seen."

"It's like I'm wearing a big Kotex pad, actually. That's what it feels like."

"Rock climbing can just f*** off, 'cause it's not for me."

Such snark in such a short period of time! Carnie, if you ever want a job recapping reality TV, we've got a slot for you.

Carnie's target loss is 4 lbs.

Ted

Four lbs. less a man, Ted has hit his target.

What is up with his beard, though? Look at it again:

Was he shaving in his sleep? Is he paying ants to do his facial landscaping? Does he just grow in patchy and not care?

Before we can dwell too long on this, Linda pipes up with one of her provocative questions:

"Is the sex better since you've lost weight?"

Ugh! Linda, please: STOP PROVOKING HIM. Stop making Ted say things like...

"We're having fun, we're having fun. But, um, the ceiling mirror, she's starting to use it now."

ENOUGH already.

Meanwhile, Ted talks about this rowing excursion and he completely redeems himself with this quip:

"These white folks got rhythm here! I'm just trying to catch up to 'em."

Ted's target loss is 3 lbs.

Bone Crusher

Bone misses his target by half -- not so vanglorious, considering that last week he made CFC history with the largest single weight loss over the course of one weigh-in.

Bone's target is 6 lbs.

Tina

Shedding just 1 lb., Tina lost the least amount of weight this time around, and missed her target by 4 lbs.

But still, her confidence continues to grow, as we see when we follow Tina on a trip to the beach.

Tina, that is, her baby, and her extreme hunk of a hubby. He's like a walking weight-loss incentive.

Tina's target loss is 4 lbs.

Wrap up

And so, if you haven't been counting (and who does?), here's how giant scale tips this week...

So Fat Crushers emerge victorious this time around, buuuut...

...the cumulative weight-loss is all-tied up. This thrills Carnie to no end, as you can see. She's always taking us to that place called sunshine!

Watch exclusive extras from Episode 3 only on VSPOT!

Comments

[Sarah]

Love the recap!

You should do your own Celebrity Fit Club for Winston.
I'd love to see him with a sweatband and jogging shorts.

[crippy's mom]

I have been waiting for this day, Rich! Finally your wit combined with the celebreality updates -- I'm a happy girl

Actually, I thought the picture to go with the egg white thing would have been a lot more perverted, but I suppose you'll ease into that, right?

[Grumio Melissam delectat]

Rich you can make a dull show funny. Gosh, how many shows will you have to recap a week now? Keep up the quality work my friend. You're extremely funny and clever.

[angela]

so happy that you are writing this blog! and i loved this week on BPR that it said, "drop everything" because your recap was up. that is how it is! YOU bring us to a place called sunshine!